Saturday, 4 October 2014

game of chess

It’s more than a game of chess, it’s more than an idea which cannot last longer in the mind. He puts the pawn in his mouth and I look at the clock, which seems to be over in a few minutes and all of our figures seem to be awkwardly standing, not because we haven’t bothered to learn the game but the sole idea of the fact that it seemed closer to a dice roll with the probability theory. It seemed to much of a fifty-fifty, but then an hour is about to pass, so it would be a ridiculous draw which would lead us both exactly into nowhere and it seems that the odds are in no one’s favor. His dark eyes observe my own, both accepted the fate of death. 

He holds the last minutes on his side of the board and his last move is just putting a pawn directly in front of mine, we had taken too much time. And the draw is announced as others are put in our seat and we’re given the paper, honoured and congratulated on the draw.

Maybe it’s some bizarre twist of fate, as he lights my cigarette as I light Jack’s. He blows smoke in my face. He throws an arm around my neck and doesn’t let go and even pulls me closer, that I even stumble and everyone who lives is inside to watch who else would win, who would get a draw. 

Maybe it’s because we know what’s beyond is the reason why we don’t hesitate. 

Both letters are delivered, I watch Jack’s parents, being the chosen is far from something someone would argue against. I just smoke as I see them bless him and we just walk on, further to my own and I am accepted even if my own fate is no longer in my hands. It’s not like we’d be crucified. We’re not saints, we’re just another set of grapes to be given to be fed for no exact reason and as we go on, through the streets which should be sketched in memory even in the afterlife, I take Jack’s cigarette, blowing out the smoke.

“What if there is no afterlife?” I ask, as he takes the last drag and throws it under his feet and he just shakes his head, pressing his finger against his watch. It seems more than obvious that we’ve been chosen and neither of us hesitated during the odd draw where you play chess and people play to lose, never learn the rules and it’s highly watched to make sure no one cheats as a few elderly would watch behind glasses to make sure the pawns are lined up properly and no king is stashed. 

“Would the afterlife be able to hold all of us?” I slowly start raising my voice as I know who had been chosen as well. It’s not even assisted suicide, it’s just a mere fall at the right time where the road breaks down. 

“If the earth could hold us, so can the afterlife.” He snaps and I just shrug, blowing out the smoke of a new cigarette just to light it again. I keep flicking the lighter as we keep walking. Third day of the third month and that’s all it takes with the age of sixteen. Then you see if you’re the one who should just jump down, noble suicide, some sort of twisted fantasy traveling from everyone’s lips from our births with no granatee of God to give in and with no afterlife to greet, just-

I blow a smoke ring. 

That’s all that’s expected, the right roll of the dice and the right play of figures. 

That’s all it takes for suicide. All you need is the right moment and sometimes the right person to be the catalyst, I raise my eyebrow as we reach the end of the road, where the bend is sudden and we’re the only ones. Right on time, Jack taps on his watch. 

He kisses me hastily, but it doesn’t matter. I recall his look and how he would take the time, barely touching his second row, as we would keep destroying each other’s pawns and just seen as noble. He takes me down as I take him. 

I look back through the thin woods to see the light and before I can even ask anything, I am pulled back by Jack who takes a step down.

The person is the catalyst. 

If they could, they would rig the chess game, with anxiety as the ribbon and they would tell that there is no afterlife for those who commit suicide at the age of sixteen.


I'll follow up with a coda for this story, I wasn't sure because I kept getting ideas of more of this alternate universe. I quite enjoy doing dystopian settings or utopian for that matter. So there's one more chapter, but it's more of a prologue.

I honestly got the idea from talking to marmapplie, how erasers just randomly vanish and she was saying how they just go somewhere to commit suicide and we exchanged a few phrases and then I got the idea of people going specifically like any of the common suicide points only for some reason, like a ritual. In general I've been reading a bunch on religion, mythology and supernatural so my mind is quite there, as I've been mostly focusing on writing 500. So I was thinking on about religion and how come if our society is held on some things for no fucking reason, the "norm" then something like some ritualistic suicide seemed like a fitting image for some dystopian fantasy.

And I believe in the afterlife, so for me it was quite dystopian to open the possibility that there is actually no afterlife and in general the church and religion are quite harsh on those who commit suicide, so it was frankly a play on that, pretty much taking some fucked up idea to give the outcome which supposedly suicide should be somehow punished with (well, there's no hell in this story). 

I get a bunch of ideas through out the day and it's quite hard and sometimes I just grab whatever and start writing and when I got the image of using chess as some solution on how to choose who gets to kill themselves and who doesn't, I just didn't hold.

I was planning to end it halfway and I felt that I didn't explain the ritual in mind properly so I went on to describe even their suicide. 

I've also been in a Jack/Jamie mood recently, so I've been focusing on those two lately. So I guess a lot of updates are mostly about those two. I guess also my mind played on me that well there's just tension between them in Axe for Cork Extraction which is one of my favourite dystopian pieces I've written, so here is my solution to that I guess xD

Also Jack is religious, while Jamie doesn't believe in an afterlife (if I recall correctly) so all was used. 

I guess one of the darkest points in the story is the whole musing on suicide, how something can end up being a catalyst just to speed everything up, but yeah. It's odd when you write much darker thoughts than your own, but I quite like that bit.

I'm too sleepy right now, but there was a road I read on sixpenceee's blog, so I won't recall the name, which has a sudden turn and in the night driver's wouldn't see it and would just come crashing down. That road was used in my head for the suicide location.

Also Callie said the story has a Battle Royale feel, which I quite enjoyed reading a few years ago. The movie was wank though.

In general I make a big point of always having love in my stories one way or another and I hate how people idolize friendship and I guess, I just get kick of making my points too seen. I dunno, I just hate how for some reason people just thrash love and relationships while friendship is cherished above. But then that's just me. So I kind of wanted to leave no space for thinking otherwise and it would feel like a fast kiss would happen, but yeah, I've just been angry at the whole "oh no sex is fine too", ok, great, can I please continue my explicit sex scenes on the side without nagging? Because we don't have enough love, we don't have enough sex, we don't have enough queer men, we don't have enough proper queer anything.

I guess in general I wanted to fiddle with a bunch of topics and I did. And yeah, I'm still writing the coda. I wasn't sure if I wanted a coda, but I started writing it and figured that it could have the same bittersweet ending because I like how this part ends and I want the same for the coda, I want something fucked up, I guess, but not on the love line side.

I hope you enjoyed it and please tell me if you did and I'll be off for the night



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