Pale Blue Eyes3

It’s awkward with a bra fitting, feeling that you have no boobs. I feel that and I swallow every time the woman touches my chest to see if they fit and the way she looks at me, people keep complaining that women are bombarded with sexual images, we are and she looks at me as I change and my nipples are too small, it starts being too awkward like when you walk on George street at night and all the women feel naked and you just instantly feel wet down and you’d rip their clothes off, it’s a mental note to all

let’s fuck

and sometimes I don’t want to fuck everyone, actually I don’t want to fuck everyone, well, every woman.

Maybe I should stand in front of a mirror like I did when I was thirteen before I became scared I remember jumping up and down in my Converse before I stopped and said to myself and the me in the mirror who became more pale and how butch I had looked then

“I’m a lesbian, Alison is a lesbian”

And I started jumping again and I left home for a while to ask a girl for a fag and she lit it for me and we just stood there, once you’re out you know who is a lesbian and not, you’re proud and you know who likes vaginas as much as you do and she had been taller, maybe my age and I looked at her skirt and I wanted to lift it up, push my fingers inside her and make out with her, I ended up nearly burning my lips off and I just kept staring at her with those rings

Fuck me

I went back home and I stood in front of the same mirror, pressing my forehead against the cool reflection of a beautiful woman wanking, I looked at my fingers stroking myself in the reflection and I kept thinking that it would be another woman and I pressed myself harder, touching my entrance, thrusting, moaning hard, rubbing my breasts or what I had of them harder and harder, I was losing my balance and I started thinking of a girl on her knees and how I press my juices against her mouth and how good it feels with her tongue

Oh,

And then she pushes me on the floor

“I like girls” and that gets me near with her pale blue eyes

and she presses her clit against me

and I scream

moan

rant that I want more

And by the end I stand up alone, mirror having a stream of liquid and the rug smelling of my lost desire and my hair a mess

I knew I was a lesbian when I was thirteen
and old

before the hammer of homophobia struck my jaw and made me lose a few teeth