Friday, 6 July 2012

Candy Cane4

I wake up from cold sweat as if I am in an airplane a small fear I had as a kid, when I had just tried the feeling of not knowing what is the sky and you’re in it, like some giant nightmare. 

So I wake up in cold sweat with Daniel throwing the covers over me and pulling me closer and I look at his stubble as it softened with love and sleep and I kiss him and he pulls me nearer, whispering dreams into my ear and I close my eyes for a while before sitting up again and wondering the night. 

I eat cereal and he starts packing the bags and I nearly vomit from the amount of hours he says and I have more dreams of planes and skies and stars and comets and ships as Daniel listens to an audiobook on the plane to sleep, his head falling on my shoulder and he slips away onto the floor before I catch him and I just look at the orange juice, in trains or planes 

And then when we’re in the hotel with all the people from their cuts sometimes reality hints with Jamie in my head and the vacation and the packing is really my head under a newspaper on the couch and candy clings to the teeth that I cannot unfold and I recall Daniel running down Ipanema and how the sea looks and how he twirls me

and I see Jamie in the night.

I’m in the sea again, swimming, so many dreams and the drains in the sand, falling down, twisting, one hand over another and he vomits and he becomes the sea which drains the land.

Daniel wakes me up.

We’re going to Rio anyway.

I saw Jamie in the sand and sea again and he gave me tea, well, we met on the morning before I left.

I look to see close if he has any gray hair and I think I see a steak and we don’t say anything, all dialogue between us forgotten and he barely touches his donut, something he just ordered which jumped in orange letters, we just drink our coffee and stand up and leave walking hand in hand, Jamie most likely in a trench which looks like Kate’s but he has enough money for his own now so I just don’t mention and I wish I had taken his donut with me and I wish Daniel would play guitar for me on one of our first dates at his house he’d take the guitar say that’s easier through music, smile, loosen his tie or even take it off and he’d play and I’d just sing and then he’d squeeze juice.

I just miss him too much so I leave Jamie on the sidewalk as he watches back, knowing that I love someone else just as much, someone who I need physical contact with, so I wrap the scarf around and Daniel packs the bags as I watch and he doesn’t mind me apologizing so long so I just press myself against the carpet.

“Can I move in?” I ask. “As in, I sell my house.” And I think to see myself crying with tears, I still had some stuff left at my old house and he just grins stronger and kisses me asking me if I am sure and I nod.
No Jamie not even on the sidewalk to leave, sometimes I just wanna fall in the sand and 

“We will.” Daniel says showing me more and more photos of Rio, those which attract tourists and those myself included who believe Rio to be so exotic with all the things, the beaches with the same things and well, weather.


Currently in Brazil so shamelessly using it, gonna make every character feel uncomfortable with the friendliness I'm getting



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