Tuesday, 12 June 2012

The Circle

I stand in front of Jamie’s mirror and I look at my reflection among his new anti wrinkle creams and Kate’s presence. I want to rub the lipstick further so that it would stick there so that I wouldn’t have to apply it all over and I want to do bigger lips as I look at my orange hair.

I’m bleaching my hair to blonde.

Jamie likes blondes.

My lipstick is going further sinking into my body, making my lips bruised and red.

I am thirty three at the peak of life end.

I might die like Jesus, I might have the middle just like Dante says.

I have no one.

The man who said he married me married another blonde yet again.

I feel cheated and I feel the lack of sex and desire in my body as it’s so strong that I don’t notice it.

Jamie’s creams are taking half just like Kate’s.

I look at Kate’s again and I want to flush them all down the toilet, cause a flood, but I won’t, instead Jamie knocks on the door and walks in and I am done, as I look what has been done to my eyebrows.

I am an insane desperate woman.

I am a woman.

I need to be loved by my man.

“You said we’d get married.” I tell him among these creams as I’ve known him long years I’ve known him my age.

Jamie doesn’t say anything, but most likely he loves Kate, so he turns around the closes the door.

I want to cry, but I don’t and I exit the shrine to make you look like Lenin in the mausoleum all those cremes and with my nearly blonde reflection and we exit onto the streets of London and we drive in silence, as I open the window and I see the stores closing and how the customers shift to drinkers and I have a scarf to hold onto and a Jamie to lose.

I look at him and we feel like a married couple, only my lover is not my lover, he doesn’t run a hand up my leg, he doesn’t touch me and he loves another woman.

“How are you, Alison?” He asks me. “What’s with the pink you’ve worn?”

I glare at him softly, looking at the deep green I want to be married to, women go insane, men brake things, I can do the same.

“Trying to be like your wife, since you like those women.” I should’ve said, but I don’t, instead I just shrug and he puts his hand on my shoulder, I don’t kiss it, the only thing my lips ever say is

“You said we’d get married.”

And Jamie stops the car at green which fades into red with all the car horns and we drive.

We exit the car, we walk past the parks and the squirrels, holding the fags in our mouths, making sure not to drop them anywhere to burn the things.

“You said we’d get married.” Is echoing in his head, I hope.

We walk into the arena, the hall and it’s chilly, our coats are on and we need the feel of nicotine and I look into his mouth, he should taste of smoke, but he doesn’t or he does, instead I just smile.

I won’t ever say anything.

I am going to die anyway.

I am going to be thirty four with smaller eyebrows, blonde hair and no lover.

And then I see Daniel Kessler.

And I see lights on me and Jamie.

It’s not so cold and the illusion of being whole when you jump with people comes, but the gap between me and Jamie is there.

I wave for no reason at Paul, but they don’t wave back they just pour their soul as usual and I look at Daniel’s choice of clothing and how he judges Paul’s in his head and how the strings go and how I lean my head back.

I grab Jamie’s wrist and hold it, my head back, let this all be a dream, where I am blonde, skinny enough, no breasts,

let me be a model, let me be Kate Moss and less smart, let me be Jamie’s, I say that into the crowd and the music takes it, making me feel as if I am the universe, infinite, everything, nothing and I look at Jamie.

He’s not me.

He’s not part of my universe.

The stage is my lover who cheats with all these people who play, but I love them.

I am the stage. I am the stage you jump on Jamie Hince.

I am the one you will never love

And my eyes are closed

And I take my hands away

To fall down and be underneath the crowd

I never see

Due to the blinding lights

Which you won’t give

But I will

So that one day

You will change me

To Kate

And we’d get married one day


And I think my health is now better or I'm abusing it by writing XD either way I am slowly coming back and I dunno how or when will I catch up so I think the best thing is to keep checking the list to see how far away I am from the desired request :3

I intended a happier ending I swear XD I guess if anyone is interested I can change it into a longer story:3 request if needed :D

thank you:3


Broken Black Varnish Requiem

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