Friday, 5 December 2014

Apathy Aftertaste 2

Jerking off to Jack is torturous and he would at first just crawl into my mind as I would touch myself, then it seemed like no other option and he would make his way in and the fact that I’ve seen him shirtless more than a few times wasn’t helping either and if it wasn’t Jack then I wouldn’t feel fully relaxed, I felt as if I was cheating and when it was him, it was even pillow crawling embarrassing how gay and attracted I was to him. 

I’ve known him for far too long to imagine the traces of his lips upon my skin, because I’ve seen them up close for so long and now I could even replicate the taste and the feel again. 

Jack just rolls his eyes on me.

“Not a chance, Hince. Straight as...” He looked around the bookstore for hints. “Straight as you’re gay.”

I just glare at him softly.

“I do love you though.” Jack says slowly making his way out of the shop and I continue glaring at him as every time he glances to see if my frustration is still there, he rolls his eyes at me and even pinches my cheek once and I just narrow my eyes even more. I’d fuck you, I should’ve said but my body language always implies that and my mouth speaks louder than the words I’ve chosen already. I have no idea what the fuck can we even do, but instead Jack just keeps going wherever he wants to and just keeps grinning at my confusion as we head into the grocery store and he starts looking at the sandwiches. 

“Still vegan, Jamie?” He browses through them and I leave him to his own shenanigans. 

“Only meat I’d eat is yours, asshole.”

“Vegan it is.” And he grabs something labelled vegan which I don’t even bother to look at properly. Jack pays for both and I try not to think that I’d have to manage on leftover pocket money and savings which I’ve been doing for quite a while to get a new guitar. Jack quickly smiles at me and holds his gaze as I feel myself slipping away from reality, everything becoming mute and distant as I realize 


the fear just takes over the thoughts, bringing guilt to the throat of even thinking them with a pendulum of melancholy because that should be the only feeling my sore self is allowed to feel. 

Depression slides two ways and the idea of having Jack under the same roof with me not being to do anything is more than pure torture. I think we’ll be feeding each other cereal before we can fucking kiss again. And sitting in front of each other doing that at the same time from each other’s food bowl.

I still exit the store with Jack, who is excitedly nearly skipping and I just look at him skeptically before he sticks two fingers in my mouth and before I can think anything sexual he pulls the corners of my lips up.

“Smile’s up, James.” My dad calls me that. I wince, as Jack quickly says Jamie, noting my tired look. Not dad, just don’t remind me. I try to spit out his fingers and he just removes them, putting his arm around my shoulders as we walk.

“Anywhere you want to head to?”

“No?” I pause. I need a statement, sound that I need him in my bed, at least for a cuddle, I’m too depressed or watch a movie just to watch him. Statement. “No.”


I light a cigarette and exhale before stretching my pack to Jack, closing my eyes not to tremble. 

I can’t go back.

And I was always scared to come out at school because if this is what happens with blood, what about words? Why am I outcasted solely for the gender I am attracted to? So would that mean that I am the one to be stabbed if everything escalates?

How do you even find a job? I never thought of it before properly, just shrugging never knowing what to say to those who could never find one. What do you say? The full never understand the starving and now I’ve shifted to their side. 

What would the rumors be once the word spreads, what leafs would be added to the injury, what would the actual words be and how would people react? What would they even think, would they just stop looking at me at all and I couldn’t help but watch Jack, as he makes a sudden turn, apologizing, our arms intertwined and he doesn’t mind me watching him before we make it to the sea and he sits on the steps, some boats already left and the restaurants not yet opened and he hands me a sandwich. 

“We could get a bunk bed. You’d have the navy feel.” I just watch him, wind tousling both mine and his hair and I wonder how much will he keep growing until his curls reach him. Maybe it doesn’t matter what people think because to be honest, people are all mad and when I myself am mad at Jack, I realize there’s far worse people with their empty eyes and beliefs that by just feeling sorry that would help me.

I can’t kiss Jack as he hands me the sandwich and we both sit, seagulls barely flying and I wonder if there’s a meet as one sole bird just swims in circles as I watch it. 

“I actually do want to move in with you, what’s the difference a year earlier or later? You’re still my best mate and...” He pauses, quickly looking at me. I feel an inch closer to him, but he just takes another bite of his sandwich. “I think it would be cool to live with you. I’ll never leave you, not like this, Jamie.”

And he just ruffles my hair, pulling on it lightly and I hit him with my sandwich, leaving some sauce on his cheek and I just wipe it off. He focuses his dark eyes on mine. I look away, my skin burning.

“Experimenting is also a bit gay, Jack.” I try to not roll my eyes, halfway through the sandwich and so is the seagull in the middle of a circle. 

“I never said I’m sucking your dick.” I actually look at the taller bloke and I just shake my head, smirking. 

“Yeah, well, you’re moving in with me and I’m sure I’ll be hugging you through nightmares.” I speak up before he even interrupts. “I know you, wanker.” 

I don’t ask why not me again and why he doesn’t even glance when the phone vibrates, but I should be playing my game anyway.

“Misery can be shared anyway, Jamie.”

“I still honestly think you’re gay, Jack.”

Being lovestruck gives some warm feeling as I keep looking at him, how his hands hold anything and I feel as my hands are holding the love I’m willing to give, but his hands just go through them like a ghost and back when all else was ok, when I hadn’t said anything, being lovestruck was pure misery and it would get through the day because when you call on your misery it’s breaking, but at least you know who is holding the hammer. 

Everything is slowly shattering, breaking and killing my gums.

I don’t even know where the future lies, there will be no yelling about studying drama because there will be no drama at all and the hand I will hold will not be love. He would never look.

“Look, I know, I won’t be the one with my skin under the shots, but I just keep wondering how the fuck do I even do anything.” He mutters and I don’t even notice how his fingers are entangled in my newly dyed hair and I just look straight at him and he allows me to do so and we just look at each other. “I’ll do whatever I can. I’m moving in with you.”

Jack swallows.

And I know how he would usually stand in newsagents always hastily picking up newspapers which would have homophobic headlines and he would scan through them and try to avoid the topic of what he had read, how the LGBT youth homeless numbers was just escalating ridiculously and soon enough I was just another number, I was becoming statistic, one is a tragedy, but the problem was that there were solely too many of us. 

“I’ll do whatever I can.” And once we’re back, Jack just sits on the computer, cursing and asking my exact amount in numbers of savings as he ruffles through things and once he picks up his electric guitar I nearly smash it against the skull.

“If a guitar has to go, it’s mine.” 

“No fucking guitars are going then.” He says through grit teeth. “Just checking.”

I just watch him as my own fingers shake as we keep checking through places, through numerous ads of men trying to hook up with women, men looking for threesome and at first Jack tries LGBT friendly and we know that this would take days so the dice are rolled on how long would it last for his parents to ask and he apologizes, pressing me against the door and we just watch each other breathe, his arms on either side of me as I glance. 

He closes in lightly.

“I fucking care about you.” He says against my lips and I just let my mind trace images as I feel his breath on mine, but we both don’t budge, flirting with the edge of love which he doesn’t dare to cross into and he’s still got Meg, which is fair. 

“I fucking love you and that-” We’re too close, eyes closed, bodies shaking and my own lips stop speaking we look at each other and someone budges the door and that just causes both of us to press ourselves harder against the door and I swallow far too audibly as I feel him pressed against me.

“Shut the fuck up-” He hisses.

“Jack?” His mother calls.

I grab him and I pull him closer, grabbing him by the back of his neck and he hastily bites my jawline.

“I’ll be in a moment.” He tries hard not to stutter, but I keep our hips firmly pressed and I nod down. Jack flips at me and pins me harder against the door.

“It’s only fucking you, so shut the fuck up.” He breathes out, quietly into my ear, pressing me harsher against the door. Jack leans back, fixing his hair. He opens his mouth, hair barely tussled and fixes his clothes just incase and I nod down. Then he doesn’t hold and slams me audibly against the door. Mouth on mine, hands in my hair, grinding heavily against me, his hands going down my back, tracing patterns doing now on my skin as he goes under my clothing, tongues ruffling far too viciously and he bites my lip until it bleeds and we stop, breathing as I hold the bottom of my lip. Jack looks shaken. 

“Jack?” The voice is now from further away. I’m guessing he forgot to do the dishes. 

“...But it’s just you.”

“It’s not all men you’re falling in love with-” I realize the words and I say it in shock, shaking, staring at Jack but he doesn’t refuse anything. “-but me.”

I add barely audibly and he just pulls me in, kissing me, holding the kiss and I wonder what else is he holding.

“Give me my pace.” He mutters and exits the room as I just start shaking even more, my lip still bleeding and I start crying, as I start messaging people and I try to care about the typos even if it’s hard and when he’s in, Jack just holds me, scrolling through the pages, as I end up falling asleep as if on Xanax, but sometimes touch and belief is all you need. 

The door is locked so the weekend is started with the laptop lying on the floor, Jack swearing as he tries to stretch out and my neck already with a cramp as we try to untangle ourselves and the bed covers lazily around us. My whole body starts pounding and the floor made for me was never undone and I just lift my head and soon enough we both sit up and he’s facing me, he’s breathing faster and I see that the realizing of us tangled asleep suddenly is more than a slap to him and so was our kiss. Do you fall in love with those who do everything for you or is it solely because love makes them do everything? It should be the second, but I fear for the first. He clears his throat and gets the laptop back, getting the charger back in and I just watch him.

“C’mon, help me choose.” And motions with his head to his side and I make my way over and we hover for a while before he pushes himself up to kiss me softly, opening his mouth lightly and I ease when I feel his tongue and he soon breaks it. “Shut up Hince, apartment.”

And we just scroll silently, in a less tangled position than before and that’s how the day is spent with ridiculous replies and Jack’s silence during the dinner table. I’m sure my parents had called Jack’s mom who solely hugs me silently and I can hear her say a prayer, as she yanks me towards the kitchen. I don’t know what to expect from a Catholic mother of many, but instead she just starts washing the dishes and refuses my offer.

“Don’t worry, love, just let me think.” I ease at the way she calls me and I’m sure Jack is listening as I look back, but she asks to close the door and I do. “I’m not kicking you out, but you need to find a place and...”

She just rubs harshly on the plates. 

“And it’s because well, they did wrong. Still keep them in your prayers, God will forgive them if you do. But stay as long as needed, just find a place.” Jack’s mom keeps her silence. “John told me he wants to split rent, so that eases me a bit. That should be easier for you to pay. Better than him moving in with Meg, so.” 

I blink. But I accept her wishes and I leave, widening my eyes in shock effect as both me and Jack leave for him room. I don’t know how to feel, because neither do I pray neither I am too welcome, but it makes more than sense and it takes a while for me to tell Jack everything in the room and he just opens the window which can only show the backyard and we lean out, smoking, sharing a cigarette as if already learnt.

Fear is just the cork to the future, I kiss him once the window is closed and I try to hold everything back, knowing that once moved out the depression will wash over me just like once it had at fifteen and the diagnosis to stay and always be pronounced and now I no longer had my mother to state that I should deny and think that I was healthy or my father who would hear none of it. Maybe there was some ease. I press him against the bed, kissing his neck, our talk more physical and he breathes my name back, as we’re both hard and I know I have lost all morals and I try to push off Meg in my head, because once everything shatters vanity takes over and becoming a lover is a luxurious necessity. 


I quite like taking situations in which I've been or describing things and I guess Apathy Aftertaste just falls under one of those stories. It's quite scary to start everything, knowing that you're pretty much alone with your partner and frankly you've got to survive, so yeah, that was last year and it had been roughly a year anniversary when I was writing this and it was after the whole disaster in Lisbon, so I was awfully depressed and just musing on how everything had collapsed a year ago. I dunno, maybe I'm more positive, but things do turn out better somehow, they just do, there's always something to hold on and I've been in the worst of tips and there's always holding you back.

So yeah, I kind of wanted Jack to be with Jamie in this story even if their love line has yet to unfold, fold and etc (I'm keeping it vague in the backstory as usual xD) so yeah and I was thinking out loud what should I even publish, so I asked Callie and I got a bit depressed thinking about how I had been writing this story. Well, just keep going, that's it, there's no other remedy, do everything you can, literally, just keep going. I even went gray haired during that period. It was odd. And that's described in the first chapter. 

And it's a bit weird, usually I post prior to sleep, but I'm with a face mask so trying to get some sleep earlier xD I dunno, I just write so much and like today I wrote some of the next chapter of Apathy Aftertaste and Disaster, so I'm always writing just that all the time it's something different really. Oh and I started this new story, of course, I always do. 

Anyway, I've got a bunch of chapters to post around, so keep poking me or if you have some request I might have that written, I have plenty of things written so yeah and I'm trying to push out things I've locked up under myself, because sometimes I get scared like about Apathy Aftertaste if people like it, so yeah, would be cool if you could comment below:) 

I actually had Stockholm in my head, as a setting, I guess I'm speaking of it because I give different settings to stories and I dunno, I don't describe it in detail, but I just would imagine them in a mix of it and I would recall this bookstore where me and Callie headed off to when we had met, so it's a jumble of everything, really if to be fairly honest.

I'm demisexual so frankly through wanting I discovered a lot about myself XD 

I really try to muse on the topic of falling in love with someone outside your sexuality, because even if I'm fluid, Callie is androgynous (it's a pain discovering your gender when you grow up in fucked up places, trust me) so she doesn't fall anywhere on my spectrums really and neither do I fall in her's when I'm male, so I like using that, because I really despite narrow-mindedness or people exclaiming so "you're bisexual" implying that fluidity doesn't exist or frankly some people just have that one person and frankly it is only up to the person to determine and etc. So yeah.

I'm a pain, I've been a pain. I remember I was awfully confident in myself and I would openly talk to this guy I liked, backfired and I got Callie instead xD can't complain and when the guy tried something I just refused, so yeah. So yeah, I'm quite a pain if I know you're into me and I'm into you, so I gave that to Jamie. I'm awful, I will make sexual remarks like 100% of the time. 

It's terrifying and frankly of course me and Callie had no idea how everything works, besides the fact that we had to make it, so yeah, so that's what I really talk about here, how it's when you literally have no backup, it's really fucked up and I don't know, our world is cruel even if it's not full shit, but you really have to bite your own skin off to survive. 

Frankly, I despite hotels now, even if we rented apartments in Summer, we still ended up in hotels due to a fucked up landlords and PTSD, but I think I'm off traveling for the meantime, so yeah. I dunno, it's awfully fucked up because you have the worst of people and the kindest you'd ever meet. So yeah, I really dislike hotels after frankly bunking from one to another, brrr and one of the things I enjoyed was bunk beds, we once stayed at a boat hotel and it had bunk beds and I dunno, I really love Callie and she'd be like c'mon, man, it's like To Miles, so I enjoy bunk beds, you always manage to make things. Like no matter how fucked up everything was, like even last years' Christmas we recalled many things like walking back and yelling Christmas songs on empty streets, try to make things, it's impossible, I'm a wreck, Callie just yanks me into them, but I guess I just feel positive, so trying to share that, so yeah. Keep doing things you like, it might take ages, it might, but doesn't mean that you can't have fun. So yeah, I like bunk beds stuff like that, minor, even if I really dislike hotels now, I like bunk beds so yeah. 

I dunno, lonely birds in some water strike out to me xD it's like… errr hey there, yeah, keep swimming in circles. 

You don't have to be queer, but you can still have queer/gay experiences, really, so yeah. Again, you define yourself.

Both me and Callie play guitar. Guitars are kind of those objects which you go once you move out, if you should sell. I dunno, so yeah, we've got odd guitars or rare ones which aren't as easy to sell so yeah, but it's just one of those thoughts, you go… should I sell my laptop or something, guitars is one of them and I guess even if it is to throw out painful memories and phrases, it should be out, I dunno, I like sharing because I grew up and there was nothing. Everyone just tells you you;ll go straight to University and our world is too fucked up and who the fuck knows how it will go on? 

I have no idea why people use apartment search websites as occupied or grindr, I have no fucking idea, but it exists XD

I tried to keep them off.

I promise, but watch the story unfold BAHAHAHAHAA >:D

Saying that I'm religious is a stretch, but I do rituals or traditions if you must and yeah, so basically when things get hard, I do pray or go to church and I do speak of that often, but it's just what I believe in, I believe in scared places and so on. I believe in prayers, so yeah. But I'm not religious, so go figure, but then you can argue that I've had a lot of supernatural stuff. So basically while that was happening I got told to pray and keep those in mind, because well, forgive but never forget really, but I dunno, never let them off the hook, but it's done, don't be pissed, it's all their fault. 

I also touched how people go yeah, better with someone, but not the opposite gender, so I addressed people's blindness here as well. 

I just believe in love, really, I always have, it's the only constant really. And yourself. 

I hope you enjoyed it and thank you so much for your support and love, please please tell me if you liked it :)



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