Friday, 19 December 2014

No. 1 Party Anthem 3

It’s the lock of fear and the roll of the dice with anxiety and my own trust and recklessness which should be the one taking hold, but it doesn’t leaving me with a crisp sane mind to see Alex who seemed to shrug off the homophobic show for Jamie, yet still remains the leftovers of the latest fetish in the scene apparently which is a cult of fucking straight men, but the problem is if the walk of shame didn’t work, how far do you even go? And the initial sex appeal wears off and the porn doesn’t work anymore.

And it’s as if Alex is a dinosaur among queer men and me and Jamie would sit wondering sometimes a bit too drunk if people honestly considered themselves straight. And I’m sure we even look at him a bit too weirded out as we all hail in silence, the television still on. And frankly some things don’t seem to make sense, like why he’s still here or maybe I’m just too daft and all the world is queer after all. I keep looking at him until he raises his dark eyes at me and then I just glance at Jamie to cool off and remind myself that it’s still about him. 

The offices opposite me have a palm tree and by their light and activity that’s how Jamie would understand the actual time, who was walking around to cure their sleep and stay awake to make sure the illusion of getting robbed was solely in their head.

And Alex’s carefullness seems to give both of us a slap of reality, that to him we are indeed deviant in our own ways, as if he were in this appartment for the first time, as if it were truly something new even if we had sex last night and just like a person can change overnight, so can they change back and I wondered how much would he even dip his feet now. What were the motives now? Was anything even worth it?

I wish we were forever in a post-coital state where we believe. But instead we are left in the cumbersome grotesque reality where I forget that some people don’t even believe in me. 

But then, he doesn’t seem to fiddle with his thinking regarding his girlfriend, even if he had fucked around and maybe he would be a bit better for Jamie? Would that mean I am solely handing him over? Would that mean that he’s just the straight guy who people happen to fuck around with? I won’t say it wasn’t hot and I wonder if the cult of straight men is like some fucked up virginity cult we queer men seem to have lately. It is a category and maybe even considered a “fetish”, well, it is fucking a virgin of sorts, so maybe it’s just as fucked up. It was hot, but nothing like it would’ve been different from fucking a queer man, just someone with a lack of experience perhaps, but in the end fetishes are still in our minds, what we think we find hot or what we do find hot, rather. It’s attraction and attraction can be more than fucked up. 

“Either way, I’m back to the dating pool, I guess.” Jamie sighs, tapping against his mug as Alex just looks at us and I wonder if we are the dinosaurs to him. He looks uncomfortable with his own curiosity and perhaps expired fear, since now we no longer seem something scary or a subpressed desire. We are the desire accomplished. I wonder if he even thought of fucking us both, since sex is more than a strive here among all these heads. 

Alex seems to muse out and I just look at him, nodding, asking what’s on his mind and he just runs a hand through his morning hair. Maybe the walk of shame wasn’t a walk after all but a stumble and I wonder if I would ever get to touch him again or I’ll be crossed out as harshly as if I were an ex and never spoken of, if he goes back to solely being straight and stating such. I always wondered how do all those girlfriends feel, do they get some gut feeling? Recalling Arielle, I presumed not. Jamie looks at me, still sunken, but his own curiosity looking at Alex, before I realize he decides to drop his attempts, even if Alex had seemed appealing.

“Ok, I’ll head off, I’ll kick Brian’s things out.” My friend states, standing up and before I open my mouth, he just shakes his hand, making a few steps to the already near corridor. “Don’t bother, Miles, it’s ok. He can stay at Stefan’s or whoever he’s fucking or trying to commit in some fucked up ways.”

He pauses, putting on his coat.

“I don’t mind if he’s polyamorous, it’s more about him lying, really.” And he pushes the door open, waving at us, eyes still looking down. I remain quiet until we’re sure he had left. 

“You sure, Miles, you can head over to help him.” He says quietly and I see him tense up. I wonder if he wants to leave to Arielle already and maybe the walk of shame is a delayed run and I wonder how much would I even see him again, even if we had managed to get some friends and end up at the same goddamn party. I wonder what would’ve happened if I fucked him on the sheets of the same said party. I expect him to stand up, just like Jamie did, instead he feasts on his own silence and none spoken words. I hope I don’t look hurt and desperate enough. Fear is now my cradle. 

“You can head back... to Arielle.” I state, I don’t even know why I even bothered to mention her name, but I do anyway, feeling a shiver and frankly the downside to fucking straight men, they’ll go back to their girlfriends or lovers, doesn’t matter, you’re always second unless they happens to be a proper open relationship and no hierarchy among partners and you happen to fall under another lover or boyfriend. 

“No, I’m ok.” He shrugs. “I’m sure she presumes that I would take a while, anyway.”

Alex holds the pause and takes out a pack of cigarettes. 

“I’m sorry for walking out on you.” He holds the silence again. “I’m just... I’m not really inetrested in being gay-”

“You don’t necessarily have to be exclusively gay, you do realize that?” I ineterrupt, reminding of his fucked up thinking. I get angry slowly, as if regretting that I even fetched him, that I had allowed him in and the whole act in front of Jamie was perhaps to get some other gay guy to fuck his brains out, since that what he seems to be lacking in his fucking relationship. 

“Like, I said... being gay-” I close my eyes and he continues. “I’m just... not interested.”

“Yet you still had sex with me.” I rant. “It’s not about orientation, I don’t give a shit what you identify as, you still had sex with a man, you do realize that, don’t you, Alex?”

I feel my voice being an inch away from getting properly raised. 

“Maybe you’re right, maybe I should leave-” He states coldly, puting the mug which seemed to be in his hands until now. I feel my chin shake lightly and I keep my eyes closed and I open them to see him avoiding my gaze and as if speaking to the window, lie to himself. 

“Yeah, have fun. Knock yourself out, fuck Jamie next. Since you seem to be very into sex between two men. Or maybe just fucking log in Grindr, you’ll have a bunch of guys down your pants once they hear that lie of yours. And maybe all of a sudden, you’re not so fucking straight now, are you?” I snap, digging my nails into my skin, as he just turns to look at me. Neither of us starts a fight even if it’s taste is vivid in the air like an old hallucination and resolution. Alex pushes me harshly on the floor and goes on top of me.


“Go on, tell me now you don’t want me.” Alex is pinning me down and I can feel him hard against me. Fucker. My hands are pinned down, so all I can do is raise my head and kiss him. He bites my lips back, moaning, defying himself as our tongues rub harshly against each other and he even bites too hard, as he lets go of my hands, travelling down to my belt. 

“I’ll fucking have sex with men, if I want to.” He pauses. “You in?”

He undoes my belt, but doesn’t go further than that and it’s more than ridiculous with me with a full-on boner stating that I don’t want it at all. He grabs my chin, leaning in and breathing against my already swollen lips.

“Like you said... A bunch of men would be interested in fucking a straight guy. Doesn’t matter if I’ve fooled with others.” He hisses, eyes closed and licking my lips.

“I dunno, you seem awfully eager to be fucking me specifically, Alex.” I state, playing fire with fire. I put my hand on the back of his neck, pulling him closer. We kiss without saying anything, solely grinding harshly over the fabric that Alex touches the pre-cum stain on my underwear, grinning as I just push his jeans down. 

“You’re the one fucking the said straight guy, though. Mind you, cheating. All scores, Miles.” He smirks, stroking my cock over the fabric, now sitting up before he pulls the underwear down and takes me painfully turned on and starts stroking as I just bite my lip, holding the moans down, still ticked off and frankly eager to keep torturing both of us to the point of no return. But then, we’ve reached it. We’ve fucked up. 

“I’m not the one with the fucked up conscience.” I snarl back, grinning, giving out a moan, as he strokes harder and he smirks, as I close my mouth, back to biting my lip. Alex stops stroking and before I can protest, he catches up on his distractional line of thinking. “Tell me your fantasies.”

“What the fuck? Can’t we just keep... fucking?”

“I want to stay longer.” He shrugs. “Let’s hold a conversation.”

“With hard erections? I thought we were fucking around, not a fucking relationship.” Alex ignores the last bit, looking up and I wonder how the fuck does his underwear even still covers his dick. I shrug and he motions for me to talk. 

“I dunno, I wanted to fuck a pizza guy. Why?”

“Isn’t that like cruising?”

“No, cruising is like when Brian dumped Jamie and next day was asking people near the bathroom ‘wanna fuck’. It’s a bit different.” I pause, he seems intrigued. “I dunno, I just watched this awful porn, back when I thought I was interested in women-”

He snorts.

“Anyway, this guy was a pizza boy and this woman fucked him. I never bothered to check porn on it, but I guess that’s what crawls in the back of the mind.” I pause. “Like how the fuck do you even do that? I don’t even want to. I’d be too creeped out on both sides, so.” I pick it up. “Can we fuck now?”

“No.” He starts thinking, yet he traces fingers down my stomach, wanker. I bite my lip harder, also not bothering to properly do anything, clutching the rub under my hands and I see Alex’s eyes check as if I am as sexually frustrated as I seem. He lowers his head and sticks his tongue out to slowly start licking me. I groan, clutching harder. Morals out of the window. He stops, grinning at me. “I think we should order a pizza to make your fantasy.” 

And he reaches out to his jeans. I sit up.

“You’re going to wait half a fucking hour? How the fuck are you even holding?” I moan, crossing my legs and shifting my weight unto my arms, trying to relax with my fucking dick nearly up in the air. Alex just flips at me as he starts looking for the number. I blink. “Can we not have a threesome with the pizza guy, please?”

“Who said we’ll be using him. We just need the fucking pizza and it’s a good idea, anyway, pizza after sex, before we both doze off.” He mutters, now putting the phone against his ear, shaking his leg, at least I’m not the only sexually frustrated. I feel even more turned on by looking at how the situation frankly is in his underwear, so I try to concentrate on the fucking ceiling instead and I nearly bite to blood as he slowly sits next to me and starts stroking my cock. The order is done and I try to dislocate my mind, so that I wouldn’t be thinking, but he only sees it even more as a game and goes down, slowly taking me in his mouth. I hear him gag.

“Relax your throat.” I mutter, as if teaching him as he gives me a thumbs up. I moan, before he takes me out of his mouth, now biting his lip. “You’re honest going to wait for the fucking order?”

“Yup.” He’s oblivious to my groaning and to tick him off, I grab my phone and frankly the only person I can even text is angsty Jamie, who I’m not sure I can help at the moment and he would be travelling to his apartment now anyway, so it wouldn’t help by reminding him of what awaits him and he’s more of a sole person unless he wants to speak out, but he’d always listen to you. Besides sexual frustration I have honestly nothing to tell. I press the phone against my lips, wondering if I am even allowed to dress up. It dawns on me. 

“What is your sexual fantasy then...” I quickly resume to add something to my left question. “Or any of them, really.”

“Fuck a guy. Isn’t that obvious?” He smirks, scrolling on his phone, as well, still in his boxers, now sitting besides me on the floor. I’m the only one fully naked. Alex raises his dark brown eyes to look at me. My breath stops slightly, I wonder how the fuck he even manages to be so striking, when he looks younger than the age he is given by the time he’s lived, I wonder what had even went on in all the time he’s been here. I wonder how his school years went and even the daft stories with girls. 

“No, you’re as cloudy as a rainy day.” I smirk back, twisting my own words with hesitation if I should even be laying with him, here, as I can’t seem to pull my eyes down, as he holds them. I wonder what would the actual thoughts running through his head be. What is it that actually holds him down? How does he feel with cheating on his girlfriend? How come he’ll be able to pick her in my arms? I wonder how bad has his poetry been in the high school years? “Anything else?”

Perhaps cheating?

I’m still the one allowing him to use me as a tool to break Arielle, unless he decides to open the relationship, which seems something far too away of a concept for straight couples, even if my own gay friends are entangled in the struggles of denial. 

Alex still seems to be thinking on my question for a bit, but then just shrugs and I feel like we are perfect for those commercials which state that communication is dead. 

Being with Alex just highlights how alone I feel and how much I don’t let anything hint that I might actually be missing a significant other, like renting a small apartment not to feel space where someone else could be. Being alone is admitting that you have a problem with yourself because you can’t glue yourself together, because there is no point in holding yourself together in any damn way because everyone who you know will leave and our silence feels as bad as being lone. 

“I don’t know.” He shrugs, lifting his arms up to scratch them. “That was always the main one, crawling in the back of the mind, but I never really tried to push it. I wouldn’t have it if I haven’t followed you-”

“So I was the catalyst in your dipping into the queer pool, adventure then?” I smirk, raising my eyes from the phone. Alex just grins back at me and I wonder which one of us is the devil on the chessboard here. He holds the pause, scrolling in his own phone awkwardly, before putting it down and lying besides me, against his arm, watching me. I notice that nothing is really on his phone anymore and he just pulls me into another kiss. It’s not even a kiss of life or lust, it’s something much more destroyed, shattered and seems to hold a lack of a moral edge as Arielle quickly jumps through my mind as he pins me down, lower, as we start making out, his hand against my cock again and instead I take his hands and push them behind Alex just to hold them together. I had some handcuffs somewhere but it’s as if I am the one needing them, as I thrust my hips lightly against his, rocking them sweetly, Alex moaning as my other hand goes into his boxers, pulling them off.

I push Alex to be under me, as he grins against the kiss, moaning audibly as I start stroking his cock, slowly making my way down with harsh kisses and bites which leave him wincing, his hands let out to grasp anything, which happens to be the rug underneath and my short hair with no avail. I trace my fingers up to his nipples as I squeeze each before taking his cock in my mouth and pressing the fingers back against the skin, as he moans louder. 

The fucking bell rings. I jump up, as Alex groans, banging his fist against the floor, as I quickly pull on my jeans, taking the other end of the rug and covering him in it.

“Fuck you, revenge, asshole!” I say, stepping over him, as he grabs my leg and I shake it off, making my way shirtless to the pizza. The pizza guy doesn’t seem to catch my eye as Alex does wrapped in the IKEA rug on the floor, naked and hard. I swallow, quickly glancing back, as I make sure that the hole between the door and me is minimal, as I just stretch out the banknote, the guy handing the pizza over and I tell him to keep the tip. 

Alex has his arm over his eyes. I grab his jeans. I don’t really have a Domino’s snapback or t-shirt. I quickly head into my room and grab a random white polo. I shouldn’t be kicking someone out into the cold in a shirt and I hope the guy is gone already.

“Go freeze your balls off, pizza boy.” I grin and Alex just groans, not even bothering to put on underwear under his jeans. It’s not like it’s even gonna stay long there anyway. I quickly peek out to see if the pizza boy left, before I push out Alex outside, as he already shivers from the open door as I seem to be pumped with this ridiculous idea, as I throw him outside. 

I close it and before Alex even gets the chance to knock, I yell at him.

“Don’t! We need to make it realistic, I need to be rock hard, wanker!”

“Oh, you’re suggesting for me to fucking jerk off in the cold then too?” I hear Alex’s muffled noises and I’m sure everyone gets a taste of some queer morning now, with Alex in a white polo and a pizza box, no sweater, no nothing and snow being something delayed on the menu these days. 

“Sounds hot!” I yell back, guessing that he’s groaning now and shifting from foot to foot, the pizza box being a deluxe heater now. 

“That wasn’t the fucking fantasy, deal with this one, first!” Alex groans, now banging against my door.

“Oi, oi, pizza boy, calm down otherwise no one is even going to eat the pizza, let alone the crust!” I smirk, actually starting to touch myself but it’s not much of a hard deal to do with the fact that me and Alex were making out a while ago. I get too turned on by thinking of pinning Alex down and riding him. I open the door.

Alex hands me the pizza over. I’m shirtless and we stare at each other as if we’ve never had sex before and I see how lost he looks and yet consumed by touching desire. The man knows the sins he’s committing, willingly. I seem more shallow than I expected myself to be. I pretend to open my wallet, as Alex still shifts from foot to foot. How much does it take for one to break the reality they had built? 

I wonder what tips what over and I pull him against me, kissing him, as Alex first doesn’t kiss back, confused, before opening his lips under mine, easing in my touch, kissing softer, feeling something rather harsh dissolve into something far more extended than we had both expected, 

I get scaredconfusedfreakedout

I break the kiss. I try to use Arielle as the catalyst now.

I shouldn’t be the one backing out

from something tender, yet I do, going down on my knees. 

“Sorry, I’ll tip you properly.” I grin and take his cock out, mocking surprise as I lick the underline of his cock, looking at him in the eyes, as he just watches me mesmerized. “You came prepared.”

“No, actually.” He smirks, as I close my eyes and take all his length in my mouth, slowly. 

“You see, I’m not into men.” Alex continues a satire of himself, grabbing the hanging coats behind him, moaning, thrusting against my mouth, as I gag lightly, digging my nails into his hips, getting harder and eager, frankly desperate for Alex. My mind shuts down, pulled apart. 


I'm sorry that it's taking so long to write, because each chapter is around 3.8 k xD (this one is lacking like maybe 40 words to the mark) and in general the choice of what I chose to write is frankly, I don't know how and why, so I might end up picking up stories which I hadn't updated in years and binge until they are done. An ode for instance has like 10k written with each chapter being something around 600 words so yeah xD it really varies from story to story:) so yeah, frankly I had a bit written before I started Nano and I didn't manage to make it in time so I shifted to writing all the three Nano novels:) which all have at least one chapter up xD being To Miles (obviously), Return of the Peppermint Killers and An ode. 

I think it's funny because I had used I guess the classic trend of "fuck yes, let's fuck a straight guy" and then he deep throats in one go. Well, yeah, it's a hot concept I guess, but it still goes on the whole is it because they've never fucked a guy and I really kind of get my deepest thoughts out when I write and I started thinking of the cult of virginity and wondered on it. I dunno, I'm not a person who goes "fuck yes, I'll go for a person who has never been with a gender before or anyone", like Callie never dated anyone else before me, which didn't repulse me or attract me in any way. I've had exes with had their first shot at dating my gender and I really don't get the appeal, like in bed frames-wise yeah, sure, go role-play, we have weirder fantasies in bed, but I dunno, I'm not one to say keep them in bed and not on the streets. I dunno, I just think love isn't as shallow as that but I'm demisexual so maybe I'm not the best to judge. I also try to make my characters as less demisexual as possible whenever they are not, because my thinking is "get to know->get attracted->fuck" xD so I dunno is No. 1 Party Anthem a thrash of that? I think that's for Miles to muse on. I also have an upcoming interesting other storyline (yes, ignore me, y'know where this is heading xD) I dunno, I started liking having many subplots after writing To Miles, so I use that xD 

But yeah, I think the whole story deals with kind of those things, what is the border and what is it to someone else, really. But Al and Miles really play on that, so it does go into sheets, well, sides the fact that he is cheating on Arielle. That's where it becomes… the streets?

The offices opposite was something I had written as in the previous apartment we had some and it was odd that I could observe an office life well, when I didn't close the shutters off. I preferred weekends to that xD 

Maybe because I'm still rather torn from reality and derealization but I dunno I kept musing on, well, a person can change overnight, so I went on that, because anything can change us really. Drastically if we want to or well, y'know it happens. 

Cumbersome is my favourite word now, because I use the word in Russian rather often and I hadn't know it's English translation until now XD which is odd because my Russian is very very poor xD well, not that bad, but could be better, I still can converse and my grammar is well:) I'm just taking the piss because it's rather weak for having it native xD

Heh, the dating pool is something I say since I'm poly, but yeah, I'll see where everything goes. I'm a demisexual closed poly, so yeah, it's hard for me to like someone and I've got my eyes on someone and yeah, patience is a bit rusty sometimes. 

I like having contrasting characters and I realized that I will have a contrasting character to Alex later on and I've been musing on No. 1 Party Anthem so I think it will go a fair way xD be happy? XD Rejoice? XD

My friendly reminder that don't cheat, open up x)

I do have to make Alex a bit ignorant here, comes with the "fucking a straight boy" really, it's not a fucking field in the park, if someone is doubtful or closeted, have fun, it's a minefield if it's you whose closeted or them. 

I do get angry at bierasure, but not everyone is bi, some are pan, some are straight but y'know a 1 on the Kinsey Scale, some just have exceptions, some are queer, some are fluid (waves). 

So yeah, I do get ticked off at times, but Alex has to define his own sexuality if he wishes so. I know, it's weird, I feel like they tell me the story or I watch it in front of myself and I just describe it, it's rather visual when I write to be honest:)

I dunno, they're both fucked up, but yeah, it was something which needed to be addressed. 

I was struggling with writing, frankly. I was like, shit, I need to finish this, this is wanted XD and yeah, I kept musing it and trying to make my mind instead of yelling TODAY WE'RE DOING SNAP OUT OF IT, I was like, fucking go and think as I'm doing daily things and me and Callie for some goddamn reason were talking of porn we've seen in our teens. Callie's first was some disastrous pizza straight het porn which involved titty fucking or whatever. So I was like, that would be a good milex sex one-shot and then I went to myself, Jamie, you fucker use that as fantasy, you of all people barely show people roleplaying in your sex scenes, which is odd, I tend to give my characters other things than I do, kind of, so yeah, for some reason I haven't use sex role-plays as much as I should've xD I am too open. Ah, fuck it, I talk about anyone with bikini waxes. Speaking of, I love Brazilian. 


Now you're closer to me, you've read that I love the Brazilian wax. 

I honestly fucked up and it was Kate who would stand near the bathrooms in the 90s asking to fuck, not Brian, so I borrowed that xD sorry!

Anyway, have fun, there's pizza porn now XD

What, tip? Relax your throat? Yeah, relax your throat and if you have dildos, dicks, have a one-off with your partner who can take more in their mouth XD

I did a twist the cloudy on a rainy day, was really the opposite of as clear as day:)

Catalysts are kind of a running metaphor through this story and thing really, what does cause cheating in Miles' mind really?

Of course everyone starts off with a rock hard erection. Pure life.

I think it's obvious well, that something starts between those two, so it's more of a 'yeah, I feel that, but this wanker is cheating on his girlfriend, but I'm fucking him' for Miles.

I love how they play on it, really

I hope you enjoyed it and yes, pester me PLEASE

see, it was out sooner XD trust me xD

I hope you enjoyed it and tell me fi you did :3



No. 1 Party Anthem 4


  1. I LOVED this, I was pretty surprised when Alex ended up initiating things this time, and admitted that this is a fantasy of his, rather than just denying anything and insisting he's completely straight. I hope this continues soon, I love this fic and am always excited for an update :)

  2. Awww, thank you thank you thank you :D I was anxious if people didn't enjoy it as much xD :3

    Well, he still clings onto his idea of sexuality, but it just made sense for him to open up, but he still doesn't speak much of it (you're gonna make me write this faster haha xD)

    Don't worry it will:3 there's much more to come and I think it will be quite long as I've got quite in store for both of them:3

    Thank you so so so much for your support and yeah, keep checking :3


  3. I know this is apparently a really old story but I wouldn't mind a continuation ... I love how Alex is (not) coming out as anything really :-)


    1. Actually, I update it still:) Sorry my blog is a bit messy right now, but the links to the other chapters are now up on the No. 1 Party Anthem page!

      Yes, I really like that bit about Alex and his confusion about his sexuality overall and I really enjoy this story x)

      Thank you so much!