Threesome 13

I excuse myself and I call Kate, quickly glancing back at Jamie, now me through the window and I take out the phone, my hands shaking and it takes quite a while to dial, as my mind doesn’t help me figure out things too fast and it’s picturesque when I see her quickly open the curtains as she picks up and vanishes and in that moment it looks like all three of us could be some lust painting, some odd chain of events of my back turned to Jamie and me facing a leaving Kate.

It’s always me and Jamie.

Kate hangs up at first and I glance back at Jamie, my hands in my hoodie, my voice trembling-

why had we started keeping secrets from each other?

I head back to the pub and he just smiles at me, putting his hand on top of mine for a brief moment and then back to beer drinking before Kate calls me again and I answer before Jamie even sees her name or photo and I exit, my legs giving up on me and my whole body, my bloody thrashing to turn into ice, my throat swollen as she speaks and my whole mind goes wild

anticipation.

“He’s here.” I breathe, as if his breath is upon my neck.

“I know.” I’m sure she’s smoking, legs crossed and she seems like the right lover. “We can go somewhere else, don’t worry.”

My lips tremble and I start biting them, they’re far too dry.

“We don’t have to fuck specifically in this house.” I feel myself far too excited and I look down, my hair covering my cheating grin. And then I hear a knock from the window and I glance back at Jamie, the problem is he’s always there, looking at me, both of us pondering. He’s always been the spider and I was always the one threading with jealousy through the strands of the web. It’s always as if we free fall, I don’t know how we land and if we can even look at each other. And my eyes keep locked at his as I hold my silence and I just hear Kate’s laugh pulling me back into reality as I just turn around not to face Jamie and feel myself more physically detached from him.

But Kate blows on the web and I’m only left the web no longer connected for the spider, just for him not to pick up old threads, but rather make new.

Fear is the most irrational destroyer of all.

I have been doing that for years for myself.

I just calm myself down that sometimes the most logical and reasonable solutions are obviously the most predictable and likely to fail, like the local. 

There’s a bitter melancholy when you don’t know what to do.

How close are you to the destruction of the identity of oneself? And life itself destroys everything and how everything were and labels change as often as seasons with the thoughts of everything, if you can fall in love with a sole glance so can you fall out of love and the waltz just becomes far more awkward. And what is love when you can predict everyone’s moves? Does it just make it worse?

Do we fall in love in something we don’t want to find out and once we do it’s over, because just like a person finds out about death, they stop living.

She tells me she’ll text the address and I walk back in, filling the chill slowly start catching up behind me, as if outside it were just an essence, I put on a fake smile, but I’ve barely been smiling with him that he doesn’t distinguish it.

-

I know I haven't updated it in quite a while and I'm either binge writing this story or just keeping it, it's actually going to be three years in April, wow, I know XD it's one of those first fanfiction stories which had many chapters and frankly there's a lot of story left, because I really write a lot in one sitting and the chapters are awfully short it actually feels very cumbersome to write them. I really enjoy them and due to Alison being an ignorant moron, Threesome was under consideration and I guess I'm just enjoying my last Alison stories because well, I don't feel like I want new stories with her, I do love the image she had or was created or what she used to be, but it's not her now and yeah. I dunno, I get sad when I think of it much. In general everything is awfully tense these days, not kind of individually, but obviously everything is unsettling, so yeah. 

So yeah, it's quite refreshing because if I write fiction or 500 they both have very strong dystopian feels which the world holds these days, so I mostly find calmness in continuing old stuff and To Miles suddenly gets to much insight of paranoia I wish I wouldn't give it. 

Sometimes, well, I always have very vivid settings in my mind or parts which stick out and Alison calling form the outside and Jamie watching, that was rather vivid and sometimes I get scared what if I don't give the images clearly, in general I get anxious if my imagery is well enough.

Threesome goes to carry my "I have no idea why would you do this, but either way, the topic is cheating" before I went to stamp the theme on different stories. 

I think I'm too polyamorous to write characters which are far too mono, this is the consequence, is this a spoiler? Mmmm, the thought is through-out with consideration, I dunno, polyamory is awfully hard to accept specifically yourself to be honest.

The phrases which are by their own are usually just thoughts written down or when I hadn't written in a while, it's when as if all my desire to write bundled itself up, that's how I see it, that's why when I fall in love I write ridiculous amounts of poetry and fiction is more of a natural prefer state, I like expressing myself even if falling in love is lovely. I wonder how cryptic I am, hummm…

I like pretty much giving thoughts which I wouldn't think, I like writing characters, it's finding out someone else, I would see it as an escape from loneliness, maybe it is at times, being poly sometimes sucks, you're in a weird in limbo sometimes, but yeah, you get thrills of… do they like me xD

I guess I'll enjoy my last reminiscences of Alison and Jamie's relationship and I like how Callie had described the story to me once "how if they were all involved would've been", that would've been weird to watch from the outside, so here's my insight to what I think would the inside be. I dunno, people are too fucked up and I love writing about that

Either way, I hope you enjoyed it and after binging there's a few chapters written:)

Hope you are all well and you enjoyed it

tell me about it :P

<3

Jamie