Bar Eyes 7

Jamie lives right off the Royal Mile, which is a bit weird to me, to see something fancier by stereotype, but then he owns the big store and I wonder about the story behind it and we enter the small apartment, as he takes off his jacket, kicking his shoes off, holding from taking the rest off, feeling a bit uneasy, as he glances at me, knowing that as deviant as it is to him that I’m not attracted so it is for me to be attracted as it is to him.

The room seems much lighter as I walk around, my shoes still on as I walk around, it’s funny that it’s less cluttered than the store, even if all shelves seem to be packed and the kitchen has an empty fridge besides yoghurt and it feels odd, knowing that he’s a vampire as well. I wonder how does he do it, as he lights a new cigarette, opening the window, holding himself like a person who avoids looking at a car crash, all curioisity lingering in his bones. 

“How was it... to die and come back?” I ask him, my voice squeaky, somehow too many spurts of never to be created memories to start growing within my mind.

“Well, I got older. Maybe that’s an analogy that not all is eternal, I dunno?” Jamie says, just as confused. It dawns on me that even if he knows a bit more than I do, our knowledge is still heavily restricted. I try to focus, but he still looks the same.

“You seem as if you... always looked like that.” He seems like one of those who never age, ironically, but I try to see something but he looks his human age. I stick my hands in my pockets. “Maybe... you just haven’t stretched back in reality, yet?”

I click my fingers.

“When was the last time-”

You drank blood.

Oh.

I scratch the back of my head, looking up at the chandeliers which surely don’t seem to be from IKEA. Jamie looks at me amused, interested and trying to unglue the love, maybe convincing that it’s not me, because I’m not really making out with him, am I? 

Jamie smirks, catching up on my own question and I glance at his dark green eyes, my smile slowly turning into a short laugh, as I feel intimidated by getting shoved in a relationship where someone already loves the future me, which doesn't exist.

Anxiety seems to fondle me, as I realize that the future me doesn’t exist, this is how I will be, already in front of his love, confused and dazzled. I don’t ask of Alex, as he watches me walk around the apartment as I wonder stopping at the double bed in the bedroom, Jamie purposely looking away as I just raise an eyebrow at him, closing the door and proceeding to the bathroom, as I instantly start filling it up. Jamie keeps his silence. 

I make sure to pace around the whole thing, which isn’t too big but I’m sure still looked impressive price-wise or maybe it just went down to him from someone and I yell at him as I reach his bedroom and hastily close the door.

“Where’s my bedroom?”

...fuck. Neither does he seem to have a guest bedroom and I eye the couch back in the living room and I hope he has at least some blankets and staying at Alex’s empty apartment doesn’t seem too thrilling either and it’s even smaller. Actually, do we even have to sleep, as I wonder as I shift from shoe to shoe, as Jamie just turns on the telly for noise and mild distraction, seems odd to think that there is a way of us not shutting each other off and I look out to see it dark already and an odd monument below, which seems to be stingy to the eye, but I just shut the curtains. 

The world still seems like a loaded gun and I keep thinking of Alex, laying awake until sleep slowly seems to drag me and in no help restoring the already full energy. I see him older, much older but with hair just as long, he seems to have worn of the childish charm he had, sitting on a ladder to a cardboard moon with a top hat. He watches me, as if I were counting all the stars around us.

I hear footsteps to see Jamie and soon enough, I wake, him knocking on the door, presuming I would be awake, carrying a tray with yoghurt on it, solely. I have a flash of some distant memory of roses laying on the said china tray. I look up at him and if I focus enough, I can start seeing the changes and he notices the stares. I wonder if the love comes as well, before thinking I open the yoghurt, taking the spoon, as he asks permission to sit on the edge of the bed, as he had taken the couch. I watch Jamie sitting crosslegged and I can feel that he tries not to keep looking at me. I don’t spare myself and keep my eyes locked on as much as needed, before examining the chandelier above, reminding me in a sense that all mothers seemed to have a craving for having them at some point. They seemed too fancy, but I just excuse it as some apartments seem to be glued together to have them hanging eventually. 

I wonder how much do we both even know about ourselves, since we seem to have known all about the other. I wonder how deep was that written in the stars which Alex now seems to be among. I imagine him taking off the hat and waiting for them to fall, maybe to erase what was written, since we’re all lost and confused on all the loose ends. Jamie had shot the stars, no smoke out of the barrel already, just blood spilling over the stage edges, avoiding me, as I look back-

All vivid

All vivid, fucking vivid.

-

Sorry, I just wanted something up and I wanted something different as well, so I nearly had this chapter done and I just gave it a small push even if it still ended up rather small xD I've been writing more No. 1 Party Anthem since I promised a bunch of people >.> just that I am too tired to scratch the remaining 1 k xD 

I haven't updated Bar Eyes in quite a while, which is weird but I honestly love the story and the concept and idea is maybe even my favourite surreal story I've written and I've fiddled with the plot a bit, well, the ending slightly, so I dunno if I've spoken about it and I've still got to think what happens until then as well. One of the reasons it took me a while because I liked how I had ended the previous chapter and I kept musing maybe that should actually be ending, but I decided that not really, so I wrote a bit more, before getting distracted to other stories. 

I've actually got two stories where for some fucking reason I had given people apartments in the Royal Mile xD maybe coz I knew a guy who got one, hmm xD I still miss the store which I gave Jamie, I really do, it was just like walking into inspiration. I really like getting inspired by places and then shamelessly use them xD

I just had the image of an older Jamie, so that was taken and been all like "oh, I'll do a fucking fancy metaphor out of that" xD

I cheated and added the "doesn't exist" because I barely edit, so yeah xD

I get anxious very often when I write and I use that in my story, giving the anxiety to a character and then I get anxious that I talk about anxiety or depression so fucking often xD or the structures of those sentence being frankly same xD since I'm pretty much slowly shutting down the stories with Alison or rather not start new ones, I'm getting a last nostalgic taste and enjoying VV as much as I can really, there's a lot of stories to finish, unpublished still as well:)

I realized that the image of Alex with a ladder is something I had borrowed slightly from this other novel I didn't finish publishing here, called Ladder To The Red Moon Gathering and I had a character which carried a ladder to the stars, so Alex has a more furnished version of that if you must xD and the idea for the said character was done after listening to Radiohead's Up on a Ladder for ages. In Rainbows' everything is just amazing and still dazzles me to no end. 

The world is a loaded gun was frankly a phrase I love from Depeche Mode's Darkest Star, so that was taken. Seems like a song filled explanation today xD

I get odd flashes sometimes, very bizarre deja-vus as I tend to have fortune telling dreams so I would dream of random things I would later on see in the day, so that was used shamelessly xD I won't spoil xD

I love the imagery always and writing it, because the story is really quite rich when it comes to that and I can be as surreal and theatrical about it:)

I hope you enjoyed it and please tell me if you did:3

<3

Jamie