Tuesday, 23 December 2014

I Can't Wait8

Writing a love letter should be so fucking hard, it’s more of a desire I’m guessing which rides to keep expressing yourself more and more and I don’t think I’d do it and now which Alison not even shards anymore, the scars more inner than outer and my own parents commenting on how my dark circles are disappearing and by society getting skinny is a good thing, so I seem to be on the horse on this one.

Only I don’t like the horse, it’s not even that I don’t like horses, I just don’t want this damn one. 

I still wait and I know the tickets are Alex’s love letter when he shows up all neatly dressed and anxious as I watch him smoke one last cigarette before we head in and he looks at me, stripping me bare with some old concentrate love. I don’t know how can you even manage to find the right words to say when you will never be able to say them to someone else again, so I believe beginnings which might be endings may be worse.

He invited me on Christmas’ Eve when the whole city is wrapped in coats and a small layer of snow and he seems to be sweaty and anxious. I have never noticed him as nervous and I feel awful how he had escaped my mind and I wondered what had made him thought I was interested. I never thought much of blokes, my childhood was spent trying to do whatever other kids would, having sometimes crushes on girls and when I met Alison, it was just her, so he is more than a fresh start, he is jumping into a cold lake, without knowing how to swim. I feel odd, but it’s still a person who is interested in me. I wonder how come dates are still so linked to cinemas or is it because we would barely walk alone there or because it’s still too intimate to invite someone over to watch it online? 

Winter seems to be covering all the misery with it’s thin layer of snow, as if it would spring open all the shattered glass to be revealed with the once love in the air only now emmiting form someone else. It was odd to watch them back together, Jamie’s ring now gone as they would sit together and I wondered how much of a dull chapter was I in Alison’s life. I wouldn’t tell that she had fucked a minor and a student, anyway. I didn’t want to fuck her life over, if it was for someone to fuck her life over, it was no longer in my hands, but in of another man who had become a lover once again. 

Maybe it never is about the gender, that’s what I tell myself as Alex stares at me, brown eyes wide open and muttering a hello.

“You didn’t have to come.” Well, it is a free movie. I could’ve said, but instead I smile and offer to buy the snacks, as we walk in, slowly taking off our coats and I realize that he had decided to sport a suit, making him a bit out of place as I’m in a plain black thick knitted sweater for warmth as if we have reached far far below zero. That gives him even more reasons to blush.

“You look good.” I say, wondering what should the rules even be. What do you say? I feel lost with the whole situation, as Alex is just lost himself. 

Maybe I should’ve invited Meg or maybe I should be going for the entire full oppoiste of the former lover. In no fashion I do not see Alison and Jamie and I wonder what would happen. How would Alison handle Christmas, as Jamie would always make the school as Christmasy as possible, making sure all the trees were in place, that a play was to be held. I had auditioned sometimes to do minor roles when younger, when he had just entered, so of course we hadn’t been completely erased off each other’s memory and the fact that we had known each other growing old and held the same woman with the same love, made it worse. So maybe Alex was just a distortion in my reality, as he seemed to have been chosen to be my Secret Santa. I wasn’t even aware that I was enrolled. I have just given Carlos, a guy I barely knew some CDs of bands he had mentioned and that was it. There was no excitement and he had plans with whomever, so Alex was my date for the night. 

I still feel a bit on the edge of my seat, wondering how much had I known about myself, not properly watching the movie and Alex looking at me whenever I would move my hand for the popcorn. In the small theatre I wondered how much would my hesitation glister against his lips. What had I always meant? I lean in and I feel how Alex eases, when I go to whisper against his ear.

“You wanna grab a bite later?” I ask him, not moving back to my seat, watching the classically boring comedy dissolve and I recall how Alison had told me she would watch comedies when Jamie was working, since he got work first and then she claimed she hated them. I wonder how much do we contradict ourselves by the end of the day?


Wow, I haven't written this in ages and frankly the last chapter was published over a year ago :O so that's an awfully long time. Sometimes I get scared of trying out new couples, so I drop it for a while and now since I'm forcing to write/post myself every day, this is what you get haha xD I'm honestly trying to rotate here with stories and trying to update old, loved ones really:) I really missed this story and it was odd and interesting to have an open-minded yet "I dunno what I'm doing here" sexuality-wise character. Originally it was going to be Meg/Jack/Alison/Jamie, but hey, we've got enough straight stories, so why not spice it up and Alex was added when I was at the peak of my AM obsession. I'm awfully sad I didn't get to see the on this tour, but y'know their fault for being full asses and only touring the US widely. 

So yeah. 

There will be more Meg, but Alex is surely a main from now on, is that a spoiler? I really like doing odd ships, the only other story I could think of which had Alex/Jack was Thunder With A Heavy Riff, which I should update sometime, don't worry:3 I'm on a roll and updating everything so poke me away :D and a bunch of stories have things either written fully or just need last paragraphs which I will gladly write, like I just sat a bit and finished this chapter of I Can't Wait :3

Alex's anxiety was taken from where I recalled how anxious Callie was when we just started talking and how awkward she would be, when I am demisexual and I was still attracted, but it took me time and I could see her anxiety and I was like shit, what do I do what do I do xD so that was taken:) Callie's much of a "Imma wear a suit for everything" kind of person so that was taken as well.

I really wanted an open-minded character which wouldn't refuse another bloke really but never really had any attraction prior either. 

I dunno, I guess I have this head canon of Jamie Hince being obsessed with Christmas, so I used that xD

I love the short chapter format, a lazy excuse, haha, not really XD I just like different formats and I love this old one, I ever to it as old because usually my newer stories are longer in chapter length:)

I was thinking of it, I always use cinemas as dates, maybe because I've actually barely been on dates, well, I have, but still barely and I kind of always think of cinemas maybe because that's how I had started seeing blokes, dunno or the guy who stood me up xD kind of, anyway xD I've just been so long with Callie and since we were LDR we'd just live together when one would visit the other, so it's not classic dates, so I'm like date and before I can think I chug them into a cinema xD

Alison and comedies was something that I had read that she hated comedies yet she had mentioned watching many comedies through out interviews so I dunno:)


I hope you enjoyed having I Can't Wait back in your life or I guess meeting I Can't Wait and please tell me if you enjoyed it:3 also keeping up the Christmas spirit :D



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