Sometimes the deepest sleep is not the most pleasant and it’s usually the one where you want to forget that either the night before happened of the day upon to get the fuck over.
"TURNER WAKE UP!" And I just hear it through the waves of sleep, barely vibrating and filling myself back into a dream with some school lockers.
"Let Turner fucking sleep…" I open my eyes to see a paler, less kept this day Carlos. I overslept our departure I’m guessing since the sly rocking is back and that just makes my whole body sink, but we agreed that Jamie wouldn’t come. Seeing us again would just make us weep in public.
"…Sir!" And eyes are all on Dengler, mine included and I realise in what a competent crew I’m placed. My body aches from the opposite which insomnia could’ve given me. I sit up, a little, not to hit my head.
"Just because Captain Hince isn’t here to yell at your incompetence Turner, doesn’t mean, I won’t! Commander Molko will be taking the Captain’s place and he will keep this just as-" The speech looks as if it went through some stamping technique Jamie developed over the years for Miles to observe, so I just narrow my eyes lightly and instead Miles just yanks me out of the bed.
"WHAT THE FUCK, SIR!" I exclaim, ducking my head just in time and I stand before the other gunners and loaders in sole underwear clothing.
"Miles… He just overslept." Julian shrugs, holding a yawn."Well, Sailor, that doesn’t mean I should be cutting him slack if we all happen to me in friendly terms." Friendly my ass, you moron. I grumble opening the coffin locker, ruffling to get a clean uniform shirt. Friendly terms. You sucked me off, friend. And oddly I realise that the brief sex encounter didn’t even register in my head, I glance at Carlos with his dark circles, who just gives out a small, pressed yet assured smile, before he excuses himself to pass between me and Miles to exit the bunk room.
And there’s an infliction of loneliness which accompanies the lack of glancing at Jamie through out the canteen and sometimes I would wonder if he looks back when he holds his book midair and eventually I would notice that he would just look at me slightly yet it would hold enough of hidden to observe properly at times, he would still read though.Now all of it was gone and seemed the only time where I wouldn’t mind someone to talk to emotionally to let some level of friendship linger even if all the friends have flicked off over the years and I knew that my bond with Matt was held on the fact that I had strictly loved him, because love ends up being the harshest bone to break, because just like you wouldn’t hurt yourself, you wouldn’t hurt someone who you valued above yourself, the beloved becomes like a prayer, always to heal, never to forget.
I remember back when I was on the other ship, the Captain would complain, but Jamie didn’t, at most he would look at the spoon or fork which contained the food and read two pages, to be immersed before continuing to eating so the current Captain was nowhere near complaining, since he always had some alcohol to resort to. Julian claimed that’s why candy was meant to be eaten, even as a child, since his mother wasn’t the best of cooks, he’d always have candy in the house and he would just eat more of it. Food just stretched into something as if it were hygiene, just something done and on shore it seemed odd that people would go around choosing which meat and the fact that there was a selection seemed odd. I recall when I first came back home, I was just confused at what I had even wanted to eat, as I seemed to be so distant from everything offered besides milkshakes I had gotten with Matt, but it wasn’t as if I would want milkshakes at specific times of the day, it was something I could easily live without, but would treat myself to.
I had 8.9 written between chapter division solely because it was Nano and I couldn't be bothered and I wanted to get it written rather than thinking on chapter boarders, so Alex's thought will trail on.
I'm also awfully sleepy and I've binged Neon Genesis Evangelion the manga in like… 3 days? That's 14 volumes by the way. I've been either barely watching something or binging, I've went through all of Looking (the tv show) in two days or so. So yeah. Also I can't recall if I mentioned but I watched Full Metal Jacket with Callie which left a deep impression on me, so yeah, I remember Callie commented on that even the Brian speech I was scared wasn't good she pointed that it was good and realistic.
I dunno, I'm in an odd place where I'm content with myself, but I'm content with the world, awfully and I just got sad seeing that the denial of Shinji/Kowaru is much intense than of Anthy/Utena for instance and that annoys and depresses me. It kind of starts feeling like I'm alone and kind of pushes me to write more stuff about gay men really. I dunno, I saw this book list the other day and there were more lesbian novels, which is kind of… you think it's the other way around, really, well, you think it is. I dunno, tables turn and for some fucking reason in your face things are refused. I dunno, no one speak of laws specifically against gay men or that Volkova's speech was directly aimed at gay men for instance. I dunno and it's fucked up because it's like I'm in a different margin just for being trans, so that itself falls under transphobia and tumblr has been making me more distant because I get triggered often and I don't give a shit anymore about many issues, I really don't care about cissexist problems and assumption that only women breastfeed, I can't even read the complaint when I read breastfeeding = woman, I get disgusted and triggered and I stop caring. I won't raise a finger if you won't. It becomes a stupid fight. I dunno, so yeah, that's been putting me down.
I've also been getting more annoyed by Alison, so I've been rather torn from The Kills community because frankly I love her as a part of The Kills and I get revolted by the adoration she gets, all The Kills tags and whatnot is just photos of Alison which I can't give a shit about anymore.
I dunno, I feel like I'm being erased and that my identity is sole, I dunno, so that zones me out.
So yeah, of course reading NGE was a big thing, because it had an amazingly developed love line and y'know what for once, fuck the female characters, I'm fucking tired that people think that female characters are more important than male, that In The Flesh is great because of Jam Walker, I'm honestly tired of that.
What am I doing a backstory on?
A novel about gay men, yup, the trans have yet to come unfortunately, but hey, let's stay on topic, I'm just revolted with the world these days.
Anyway, to the story. I missed Carlos, I ended up loving him immensely as he developed and I just have some softness towards him and Julian, I'll see where that goes. I'm tired of people shaming sex, so I'll see.
"Moist blade dunked in salt" I like that line, I'm like Ikuhara, I like the bathtub's legs, when there's Mikki and his sister fucking it in.
…and I got my secret santa to trigger me, great. Anyhow, like I said the world is a hateful place.
Ok, let's try to finish this while shaking, great.
I missed Miles and now he's back and I can pretty much make him be an ass who seems to be in his motives, neck deep.
Ah, at least Brian can give the cheer which Captain Hince would give the sailors.
I was dreading writing this because I felt quite… heartbroken is the wrong word, longing and it's in that stage where you can't do anything besides wait, so that really sucks and fucks me up. But in general I've been happier with myself and everything, I just really hate people online these days, I hate people in general, but yeah.
I guess one of the things which stood out for me, I really pay close attention to conversation to find snippets I can use to do phrases or ideas and Callie had told me how a relative of hers would eat anything coming from the military regardless of how bad it was and that I think was even among the first talks we had like in the first months we knew each other, so that kind of made me make Hince eat anything even if everyone does, but I guess not complaining at all, came from there.
Milkshakes started becoming a metaphor I wonder for what though, the shore? XD The only shore pleasure?
I feel better and I hope you enjoyed it and thank you
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To Miles 47
To Miles 47