Monday, 1 December 2014

Start Finding Passion 3

“Hey, Jaime, which city do you hate the most in Brazil?” Jack asks as we still wait for the plane as it’s delayed, all of already bored and watching all flights go past us and all the planes taking off in the same route, same models and airlines starts getting far too dull after a while. We try to avoid the fact that our airline decided to go on strike, when frankly they barely even do their job and we’re left stranded with a bunch of other Brazilians showing off their pride in football shirts and whatnot, just to make sure they don’t get lost in Europe and get deported back safely. 

“São Paulo.” Jamie says without any emotion, looking ahead at some bloke in a São Paulo shirt, crossing his arms on his chest. Julian nods, sipping loudly his slushie. 

“What about in the world?” Jamie even stopped caring apparently after Jack had said that Jaime sounds much more fitting and cuter, which caused me to close my eyes for a moment and Jamie clear his throat. I’m surprised he didn’t stick his hand in Jamie’s pants yet. 

“São Paulo.” Jamie doesn’t even blink, Julian nods in approval. Jack just bursts out laughing and I can’t help but keep looking at his flipflops. And it doesn’t get better as we finally queue for the delayed flight and I just look at Jack’s curls and I just feel like nothing compared to him even if Jamie’s arm is around me and he just pulls me closer and I notice how much he had tanned while I still look as if I had gone out of Halloween yesterday and I have decided to keep my celebrations going. 

I feel like if I drink enough I would be able to ask him, but the fear strangles me sober to face Jack and how he towers above me, physically and mentally as I just notice Julian keep his gaze on me and I feel far too exposed to Jamie’s childhood friend and I wonder how distant I am from my own lover. 

I think if life had a soundtrack it would have the opera screech in the back and I hear it as Jack turns quickly to face me and I feel the surroundings blacken lightly, hearing the piercing noise before I feel Jamie’s thumb against my neck and I jerk my head to look at him and he just smiles, before letting go and quickly kissing me on the lips and then he looks down at his shoes. The lips leave a heavy print on mine and I just stare at him, dazzled as if it were still a first kiss. 

The problem is that you never know what awaits you so that explains all types of anxiety and insecurity ever shred.

My fear is a kaleidoscope and I seem to be looking through one at Jamie all the time and no matter how much I twirl it, I always see millions of Jacks turning their head and looking at me, reminding me of my own fear as if it were a reflection, but the most childish things are the ones which will drive you insane. 

And stepping on the plane is even worse, knowing that I’ll end up fighting with the flight attendant as we walk through first class and Jack just sits down on one seat, Jamie sighing and pulling me by the wrists, Julian still sipping his slushie and all I can hear is Jack’s ‘why didn’t you book the first class?’ and I just wonder if he had enough points but then when has the devil been to Brazil? I smirk at my nickname to him. Well, he is fooling with me and sometimes I feel as if my relationship is more about the smoke which escalates into horror with fear as he smokes. 

And soon enough night will take it’s illusion in the plane with the blue screens going through aisles or showing movies, there is a blissful melancholy in such and it grasps you in a feeling that you should be asleep as well. 

But before that, Jack mumbles and joins us in the empty seat after the aisle, we all eat, headphones and all else I can feel is pretty much Jamie lacing his fingers with my own and soon enough, Jack heads off back to his actual seat to sleep. Julian stays awake all night, watching some movies which make no sense through my sleep, as Jamie just cradles me tighter and I wonder if he tries to fill in with my own anxiety and I wonder how much would I even self-destruct.

There is an odd enchantment and severe oddness when you step somewhere new, considering that night is upon us and my Spanish is nearly as bad as everyone else’s, who had thought that their Portuñol would fly. I feel everything pumping through my veins in anticipation and sleep still seems to catch up on us and I shiver, understanding that the PTSD may have left its thought chucked up on memory, but the sleep deprivation was still there. We barely see anything through the taxi, just streets which should still make sense and how glamorous it would look in nostalgia, streets are wider and wider, as we make the turns, past the smaller parts, past the streets, through the buses which drive to other cities which would make me claustrophobic with their sizes. 

Jack as usual amazes with Spanish, which Julian makes fun of, now calling Jack ‘Diablo’ to which Jack sighs, saying it’s not the first time and being in Spain it is awfully fitting. For some reason I recall the Ninth Gate and Toledo gives me an eerie feeling in my mind, but then you always end up in less places than you had expected and life is too short, so what would even a week or two even do? 

Everything seems to start beaming with life, some idleness only behind the glass of stores on Gran Via. Jack seems to be talking about something with the taxi driver and I wonder how many languages can he speak and we all barely speak about his work, since a lot of money is made by ghost writing and a few novels which had seemed to sell out but not enough, ghost writing being his main bread, all I know is that a lot is remained silent and Jamie said he can only guess who he had written for. He’s a few years older than us and it still amazes us how we had become friends and he had always clung onto Jamie, until he had realized that Jamie was more than interested in me instead. It was odd to see Jack realize that someone he had just met was solely monogamous and not letting go.

It was weird to see someone feel scattered and lost, as he had smoked, Jamie asleep from all the alcohol he had been drinking after a call with his father, it was awfully rough, when he had told me that he was not intending to do anything in Brazil whatsover and my broken portuguese was nowhere close to fully understand what he had told him, what he had yelled back at them and Jack just stared into the distance, telling me that he loved Jamie.

When he would reach a limit, he would tell me such, but he would never do anything, he’d assure me, but the feeling still kept building and some things just happen to be fated, he warned me. 

I had been reluctant to be friends with Jack, which seemed to be a bit confusing for Jamie, whose concern was to fight his parents at that time and it even escalated to the point of Jamie stopping to talk to them, calls were ignored and he had changed his phone number, barely checking his e-mail. 

Sometimes the hand of truth is still prickly, everyone stands at their point of view, just easing under reality and leaving at least gave hope that no one would be intrusive, accepting yet views still held, but that was more than enough for Jamie and his allowance never cut short. 

We arrive at the hotel, splitting in two rooms and Jamie pushes me against the wall and we grin at each other, I ruffle his hair, pulling him even closer, our lips locking, before our mouths open and anxiety still fills me as I were only waiting moments away, as if Jack were watching with a stopwatch, announcing the seconds left until we would break up. 

The more I thought in the night, the worse it would get-

Jamie didn’t wake in the night when I tried budging him and I felt thirsty all of a sudden, my whole body killing me with an urge to head downstairs, as I had recalled some juice machine. Everything seemed firmly packed like in any budget hotel and I had worn my own hoodie downstairs, recalling how Jamie huffed that hoodies were hideous even if when we had started dating he would steal my home ones. 

Jack was sitting there, outside by the entrance, smoking, blowing smoke up into the night and Julian was standing besides him, they were laughing at something muffled to me. I shrugged, my shoulders up from the cold summer as I headed outside, even forgetting about the juice, as both men calmed down and Julian grinned at me. 

“Hey, Al, where’s the Globo heir?” The other Brazilian laughed at me, inhaling, before I nodded, silently asking for a cigarette. 

“Passed out cold, I think he took some Xanax before sleep. He’s been having lots of insomnia back in Brazil.” I rub my eye. “At least we stocked up on that herbal thing which calms him throughout, but y’know how bad it is with his dad. I couldn’t sleep and neither do I want to take his meds.”

Julian smirks. 

“If we were back home, I’d bum one and just send him off to get more, but I think we’re quite strictly on those until we get back.” I ease up even if I feel awful leaving Jamie alone, but Jack’s gaze seems to hold me down, awfully. 

“Whenever I can’t sleep, I walk around. Can’t sleep either.” He turns to Jack. “Jack can watch over Jamie, you up for a drink or something, Alex?”

My blood goes cold. I look at Jack. I can feel his words twist me and how they spill with the cigarette smoke, ‘I won’t do anything with Jamie, unless you do’. It’s a hurling game with fire and I look back at Julian’s goofy smile, he seems lighter and I feel something far too similar which reminds me of Jamie, as if I concentrated enough I would have Jamie without his worries, only he’s not as educated and insightful as my boyfriend, but I just nod before thinking, as I give Jack my key. My hands shake.

“I won’t do anything, Alex. Go on.” He says and I feel some sudden excitement in knowing something new and I still hold onto the electronic key. Julian already starts discarding the cigarette in the far away rubbish bin. “I won’t do anything unless you do.”

He looks at me firm.

“...Watch yourself, Turner.” And then he grins and I look at his teeth. I want to punch him, but I release the grip on the card. I feel as if we were making deals on who would my boyfriend be with. 

“He never loved you Jack and never will.”

“I’m not sure he’d forgive you, watch your story unfold, Alex.” And with that he turns around and I feel nausea build up, but instead I get a heavier inhale, Julian walking back up to me and pointing towards a random street, which is slowly starting to fill up with a ridiculous amount of bears. It seems odd and I try to make it feel celebratory, I try to get my mind off, I know that Jack wouldn’t do anything and we keep walking in pure silence, until I start asking Julian what does he want to do. The answers are awfully simple and contradicting to Jamie’s, he would follow his father’s footsteps in the model business, he would just continue where his dad would leave off.

“Is that a fucking glory hole?” I whisper into Julian’s ear as we see a man stick his dick inside some old building, through the bars and my companion just puts his hands over my eyes, as we both increase our speed. “I’ve never seen a glory hole.”

“Neither, Europe is fascinating.” Julian laughs back at me, but peeks a glance back. He grabs me by my chin, pulling me closer. “I think he was just pissing.”

“Yeah, well, glory holes can be different, moron.” I calm down, still smirking as I notice Julian’s brown eyes locked on mine and I look away, brushing him a bit off, as I walk through the few bearded men with their opposites as if paired and the overpriced stores just because they are in Chueca. We keep walking and I still feel lost, my vision not adjusting to the sudden change of architecture, how it still seems much cleaner than Brazil even with the scattered odd graffiti.

“Is that a glory hole then, too?” Julian smirks pointing at a sex store. I feel like we’re underage again, giggling and heading in, to find literally something I had never seen before. All is missing is some odd music to accompany the prizes. 

“They should’ve done a fucking teddy picker.” I smirk, Julian just taps on one of the machines holding everything from strap-ons to fisting lube. It is a wide variety of solely sex toy vending machines with all choices of condoms, sex toys and everything, even carbonated water. We both laugh, walking around even twice on the turn and the vending machine exposed to the public. 

“What do you want, Turner?” Julian smirks at me and I roll my eyes, looking down before laughing. 

“Surely, a butt plug to walk back ready to the hotel.” I press my lips together, wondering how young do I even sound and as I raise my eyes Julian is nearly on my toes and I’m exposed to him, fully looking at me, as I don’t look back my memory clouded with his subtle flirting and I am now fully in the light and nude, as he hovers near my lips.

“Deal.” And he kisses me. I nearly stumble, Jack in my mind-

I can see him standing up from his chair, from watching Jamie, my boyfriend waking up, asking where the hell am I-

I kiss Julian back, clutching his shirt, as he slams me against a vending machine-

If you are capable of cheating, how can you know that your partner never did?

Jack’s fear and hurt always locked in his eyes,

always knew


I press my boner against Julian, feeling him hard against me. I try to be open-minded about it, but there is nothing sleazier, the mind takes over, nothing makes an excuse besides self-destruction, when nothing tells you not to kill yourself and you make your life hell, giving Jack flaming hair as if he were the Devil solely for loving my boyfriend.

Actions don’t make sense, passion does

My sole excuse and culprit is Jamie. For letting me love him-

And there will be so much raveled for eternity, for it is accepted that when one’s path is different another will not cling. 

And the moment charges in full force with his whole body and my own giving into something, it’s not even fear of the daily, it’s losing the daily, releasing the captured spider because it would happen sooner or later. He sticks his hand in my jeans, my hair fully on my eyes, as if already getting fucked.
"At least hold until the hotel." I mutter, my mouth not mine. I’m not polyamorous, it feels like an action of self-destruct, as if suicide wouldn’t do justice, as if I could never be washed off Jamie’s rough hands. I would never be, it just feel deeper and ignorant, self-obsessed that if I can’t accept to be the love, I would rather be the deep cut, let me the pain if I can’t bear the heart, if the sole thought terrifies me, I shall shatter it with all the imagery jingling. 
"As if people don’t fuck here." He smirks sticking his hand deeper to grasp my cock and give it a stroke-
I could’ve been snuggling with Jamie in my arms-
I French the thought away. Not Jamie, not him, if I were to lose him let it be from my hands solely.
The worse is done through jealousy, all types of murder.

My eyes are darted wide open and I hear Spanish mumbling, I wish I had known something, anything as he undoes my button for more access, pushing me harder and I wonder if we shake the machine enough, if dildos were to fall out and I feel my eyes water as if I were holding them open too long and I muffle my own longing for my sanity against Julian’s lips. He is nothing like Jamie-

I am nothing like Jamie-

Let the thought of him and Jack not solely be mine’s, Jack would’ve never done this and the feel of Leblon is long gone, Julian’s heritage is just as big, but at least I knew whose knot I didn’t want to tie and I hoped so did Julian. I spread my legs to get more access, our tongues pushing each other’s, his fingers threading through my hair, my hands under his shirt-

When was the last time I had even touched someone else?

I tried to make my fall exciting since I were to do it.

And I was. 

And I didn’t want it in my memory at all, just the reality to thrive and forget. 

Let the memory lack all colour as we just stroll back, the room divided in my mind, as if he were to watch, as Julian takes all my clothing off, going on his knees as I feel weaker, wondering if this tips me into hell and I wonder whose eyes would hell even be, I push myself deeper in his mouth, as Julian relaxes his throat, I hold his head, as I thrust deeper, Julian clutching onto my thighs, his gag reflex holding, non-existant for now and I just get turned on even more. I keep pushing him to take more, pulling his hair and I don’t hold, I start moaning and I can feel Jamie shifting in his bed, now his bed solely and I wonder how it is to wake up in an entirely different morning.


and he still is my mind as I unravel, gasping as Julian sucks harder and I let loose, falling on the bed behind me, feeling my body shake, the bliss gone, reality no longer holding the key, everything unfolded and Julian laying besides me hard, as he kisses me oblivious-

puxa a faca

puxa a faca

Their faces vivid, I wish they had stabbed me, I wish they had killed me at least Jamie would have the illusion, that I allowed myself to love him, that he loved me back, that something could’ve been done until the last drop-

I go down on Julian, taking all of him in, the brazilian clutching the bed covers, he’s bigger than Jamie, so I have to relax my mouth more, taking it out lightly before fully starting to boom him, as he’s already near and I just feel fully spent, my whole mind drawing everything I don’t want and need and I wonder if Jack would dare to peek, if Jamie would be able to even stand up and knock on the door, through Julian’s moans I only imagine Jamie’s loud knocking and he’s in a robe for some reason, Jack’s arm around his neck and I can hear his screams, that he knows, as if he weren’t asleep and once Julian comes, I spit it out on the bed, not bothering to even try to swallow, like he had with some unnecessary act of bravery. I push myself up by the elbows, my body no longer shaking, just used and spent in my own ways-

I sit up and Julian just looks back at me, we didn’t even bother to turn on the lights, moonlight covering our sins and thoughts.

“I don’t think... it’s wise for you to-”

“I know.” I snap, but regardless I grab all my clothing and I storm out, jeans unzipped that I do it outside and I never have the guts to knock on the door, so I head back and slip into Jack’s bed, yelling at Julian to shut up as if my tears could be the lullaby but not even tears came. 

In the morning breakfast comes, Jamie knocks on the door and sleep had somehow tumbled me over, he ignored since the beds were separate and I would watch a bewildered Julian and a rested boyfriend. He waved at me, pushing his hair back, yawning, speaking something in portuguese to Julian, as I observed, but from the calmness I would see nothing, thankfully.

Jack is nowhere to be found, as Jamie peels an orange, told that Jack had bought with orange juice and sandwiches. Jamie hums, as Julian excuses himself to the bathroom.

I wish my eyes were bloodshot, I wish my lips were bruised, as he touches my cheek as I’m still under the covers. He watches me and I don’t want his softness

I don’t even lie to myself that I’ll enjoy being single.

I’ll enjoy being destroyed.

I’ve never even tried to destroy anything beautiful. 

That’s all.

Jamie pours me some orange juice, still humming something, I wonder if it’s some theme song, I always wondered how did he feel growing up watching them, he had told me briefly but I never bothered to make him feel uncomfortable, no one was as uncomfortable and using of his fortune as he was-

And it wasn’t mine anymore

In any way

“Jamie” I wish I would croak, instead he looks at me, still drinking, probably dehydrated-

“I slept with Julian.”

Everything dissolves like powder in water, all the songs are wrong, no humming, yelling, yelling, yelling, Jamie pushing Julian back into the bathroom, Jamie screaming at him in Portuguese to stay away I presume and when Julian refuses, Jamie does a swing and lands exactly on Julian’s nose. He stops for a second to look down at the blood and that’s when I start bawling-


And I cry even harder and my salt is mixed with the fear of Jack and Jamie’s yelling that he would’ve never done that, because he had loved me

And loved pains me more than anything could

He yells that again

I wrap the covers around me, 

I want nothing.

“I thought you’d sleep with Jack, he he he went to yours”


And then he drops the glass against the floor, stepping over it, throwing a glance over me and I see his shoulders shake, rougher and rougher because we don’t know each other anymore.


and the worst is

that is what I fear still. 


And that's all. It was intended to be rather short and I started writing it during Brazil and then when I was in Madrid, I had wanted to include it and the scenes played out, well, the few scenes and I'll go over them. I was thinking if I should write more, but it's obvious what happens and I like it this way, but of course more is told in Blue/Jacket. I really like exploring things I would never do, but which seem interesting to muse about, I think the closest was I had written a novel years and years ago and I was thinking what was the worst a person could do and I had decided on murder and the story revolved around the main character killing his best friend out of jealousy and he had stolen the said guy's boyfriend and of course they had strong homoerotism, who knows maybe I'll publish it here one day:) It had finished it like a few days before my first nano, so yeah xD so this escalated from me musing on cheating, since I'm polyamorous and I guess it's just something entirely beyond me because when I got interested I would always tell Callie and yeah eventually I accepted that I was polyamorous. So I was musing on it and I had an Alex Turner/Julian Casablancas request and I understand that this isn't the best outcome and story regarding those two, but yeah, I'm sorry I've been writing whatever I feel like these days xD

Anyway, thank you for the request and I had fused all of that and I wanted to do more in depth Jamie and Jack, because I didn't think they'd play such an important role in Blue/Jacke even if they do and I was excited to write about all these places I'd been to. 

Also, I'll be posting at least one chapter of something every day, consider it an advent calendar even if this one is awfully sad, but I still love it. I love how it ends like this when I usually would stick to happier endings, maybe I'm just angsty these days, I guess.

I really enjoy writing about how Brazil actually is, being Callie's partner and all and I like covering things which aren't covered and I still laugh at deciding to make Jamie the heir to Manoel Carlos' well, a fictionilzed version of course, I don't know it's really interesting, Brazil is interesting, but I don't enjoy it and now that I got robbed, I really don't even if I love pastel more than anything and açai xD but this is just me and I'm not fond of places where I'm not safe let it be gender, identity, sexuality or frankly because you're just a person. Anyway, I have covered that in the story.

I was thinking today asking if Julian was accurate coz I actually back then had a discussion with Callie's relatives regarding friends, since I'm more of a "don't believe in long-term friends" and how they backstab you and I got told that they wouldn't have that and that it's maybe more cultural where I'm from and that's well what I learnt and got taught, really. So Julian is kind of a wave that all friends are fuck-ups in a way or another and I just really liked Julian as a character. Julian was also used as a contrast to Jamie, how a canon Brazilian kind of is, which is opposite of Jamie which had been built on Callie's views. 

Also Leblon was a running joke among me and Callie, that I had only shown Leblon and Barra like the famous novella writer xD he always places characters in Leblon and sometimes Barra. 

Regarding Saõ Paulo I apologize deeply if I offended anyone, it was used pretty much an actual conversation, the whole Rio vs SP and I had written that snippet months and months ago and now I finally headed off to write the rest, pretty much from the plane scene to the ending was written a bit yesterday and binged today. 

I could've broken this up into two chapters, but decided against, let's have a sea of angst XD I have a bunch of chapters and stories ready to publish, so the chapters might be longer in some xD

I never understood people in flip-flops, so Jack was given such. I really have to remain quiet on Jack's character. I wonder if anyone will start suspecting things xD

I surely speak fluent Portuñol, nah, not really xD

It's a bit weird to write because thankfully my PTSD went away and I had mused originally to describe more disasters which had happened to me and Callie in Madrid, but I think that's enough disasters for them xD and I'd rather forget them or use them elsewhere, all is used xD but yeah, brrr, too much xD

I keep thinking of the Ninth Gate, at least the tiny bits I liked, like Toledo. Actually, I've been to Toledo and it was surely the eeriest city I've been to. I don't even know which one is eerier Toledo or Lisbon, I think Lisbon though.

I was thinking to thread the story over to Lisbon, but I like it the way it is surely and yeah, more to tell in Blue/Jacket and I've used Lisbon in '-' which is eerie as needed.

I kept musing on Jack's work and last minute decided on ghost writing as well, since I do different jobs, so why not let Jack as well?

It's really weird that Alex's backstory is not fully told here, there's much more to come in Blue/Jacket regarding Alex's past.

A lot regarding Jamie and his parents is or was based off Callie's situation, I just like giving insight to things you wouldn't, I like speaking about unspoken things like Brazil's casual ignorance.

There is a symbolism for Alex feeling Jack, but that's not for me to speak of now:)

if not to spoil of course, so have a think XD

I drink herbal, so gave that to Jamie and it's interesting to know things, really.

I figured Jamie would have an exact amount as prescribed instead of a box, so yeah.

It was so planned that I don't know what to even say xD

We actually saw the guy piss and for a good while thought it was a glory hole in Chueca and got sad when we realized it wasn't xD would be funky though

I really liked Chueca and that's why I had decided to give them Madrid and give them the hotel there:) 

For some fucking reason I thought Julian had light eyes, so that was changed and pointed out by Callie >.>

Yes, when I saw the vending machine sex store in Chueca, I told Callie that I would set Julian and Alex to make out there and I kept the store locked firmly with the idea to write until today, that's how odd my mind expands and recalls ideas xD I had been dying to write it and I just liked the idea, no one bothers you, just buy your lube, your condoms and etc xD

It's really an act of self-destruction, I wanted to write how much one's anxiety, fear and insecurity destroy oneself, it's really a short novel about self-destruction and destroying the one thing you love the most. 

Also I briefly touched, but there's the fear of class as if it matters, I don't know, does it? 

I always think of my sex scenes and I was thinking full blown on penetration, but settled for oral, since I seem to be getting bored of the whole cult of penetration. Just as much cheating, honey.

I like doing full circles, so of course 'puxa a faca' was the full circle and the moment of self-destruct entirely, one's fear inflicted by other and his own.

Originally I was going to skip the sex scene, but then I went, well, it's not skipping through Alex's life is it? So I didn't, I hate excluding sex scenes, we should have more sex, if there is sex, there should be sex, I hate censoring, I hate people being disgusted by sex unless they are ace obviously. I just hate society really. 

Ironically, I'm listening to My Mistakes Were Made For You. Oh, Alex.

I like how Blue/Jacket and Start Finding Passion are quite separate, that there are different lives, yet fate is intertwined heavily. I like how life is a bunch of novels, at least mine had always been, so I like giving that for instance in To Miles and here.

I had seen Jamie drinking orange juice and that was included, I didn't bother much how, I knew I needed Jamie drinking orange juice and him punching Julian. It was intended that Alex would tell Jamie, Jamie would come over to Julian's, originally Alex should've cheated on Jamie in Brazil, but basically then it shifted to Madrid and then I had the idea of Alex confessing over breakfast or Julian's arm over Alex's shoulders or kissing Alex, but I like this more, closer to the original and all needed is included, I love how this ended up to be honest :)

I had to add a few fucking to make it Jamie-esque. I would yell like every two words, twice, but I really hold from writing fucking all the time apparently since in life I swear much much more xD

I still muse on what went on after with Jamie and Jack and that's for Blue/Jacket to speak of.

I hope you enjoyed it and let's all listen to Sleeping with Ghosts by Placebo, ironically. I actually don't have a Brian in this universe, hmm


My heart is broken just as yours but I love it and I hope you did as well, please tell me if you did and thank you so much

Thank you and it was awfully pleasant to write again with full freedom, everything at once, I wrote like 5 stories today xD and yeah, I'm sad that Nano is over and the rest of the written To Miles will be posted through out the next weeks, if you want something please request as a lot of things are written:)



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