Monday, 29 December 2014

Always Golden 4

I wonder if something would happen if he would discard the ring out into the wind.

But I honestly think he wouldn’t and I wonder how metaphorically deep is the ring for me and is it deeper than Kate Moss in my eyes? And in general it’s a bit odd and simply reeks of something wrong, considering the fact that I’m an ex friend which was never sold to the press, that no one ever really said anything once they started asking about Jamie, no one ever addressed the rumors which went round even in my head it was as if he’d always date women and that the past was the same as the shiny present. 

It’s weird to look at him across the table, that he doesn’t look well and I don’t know if it’s emotional or if it’s actually something health related, because it could be both and I watch him, as he avoids me at first and it’s weird, that all of a sudden I’m getting old feelings all over as if they are spread on the table and I’m not even sure why he even invited me, but we used to be friends, so that would explain things, but we’ve never done anything-

What do I even ask? The only question on my lips which is a bit closer than acceptable is if he’s been lying about Alison and even then, would I care? I just feel like I’m back in college, my gaydar yelling at him but never catching him with any men or anything hinting out of his mouth and I feel desperate even seeing this as an action I could count in.

You still dine with people. 

I’m just as dumbstruck as people who would bump into him. But the thing is, my reason is much more simple, I just really really loved him a lot back in the day and I would keep knocking wherever he would live and he would smile and let me in, as we would listen to records and he’d refuse meeting afterwards, saying that he had to band practice and I would just wonder far too much

To this day I regret not kissing him, anytime, regardless of where we were, at any glance, just an attempt at least to lean in as I could picture perfect him closing his eyes and leaning carefully and we’d kiss

what do I ask?

“How’s your dad?” He asks me and I wonder, if the topic of his parents should be raised since it had always been avoided, but his family was at the wedding. Does that mean all is well?

Breaking up with Jamie was unique, because I was the only one who was aware of my own feelings and the lack of his. I couldn’t even reply, staring at him, how different he had looked, how much age had touched both of us and I just looked back down on the plate, nodding, wondering where had all my life gone and how come with both of us entirely different he had seemed to be dragging me to a past where I had started asking him why had he cut off his dreads. 

“He’s alright now...” I pause. “They weren’t together, but y’know, shook everyone. I guess death...”

I try to find the right words and I’m at a loss, like wishing before a birthday cake.

“Makes you open to things and realize how deep the regrets you hold won’t be able to be reversed, I guess.” I say, as he watches me and I see how tense he is. Jamie is still awfully attractive as he’s always been and the latest photos barely do him any justice, because even like he had said they choose the least flattering. And neither is he the cake with the cherry on top for them. He’s solely Mr. Moss and that’s it. I still glance down to the ring and our own frustration seems to be trying to get washed down with alcohol, as we keep ordering more wine, taking long sips, as if we were actually long lost lovers and neither is it my division to ask of Kate, but then what do I ask?

“...How have you been?” But with the recent wedding and it still falls under asking of Kate, so he just takes another sip. He looks around, easing up lightly and I recall how he had always liked suits so it’s no surprise to see him in one, as he nervously runs a hand through his hair. 

“Good.” Is his sole reply. Jamie drinks even more and I try to plunge sober. 

“Well, I see... we’re not doing too well.” I speak out my thoughts, as Jamie just widens his eyes lightly at my suddenness. I tap my fingers on the table, it’s not like I would ever even touch him again, as if I ever had and there is no dice to roll and there is nothing with any man I know and I’m all alone, so some opening would never hurt anyone, because no one listens anyway and I might just listen to myself at least. I still choose what to open up on. “I’m still single, I’ve had a few attempts, Stefan is lost in his own shenanigans, I’m operating but they’ve been doing fucking cuts on the NHS, so the usual.”

I shrug and I know my daily is not his daily. I know that we are both new to each other and the stories I’ve bore to tell are new to him. 

“That’s pretty much all of my life.” I pause. “I was on Peter Hook’s signing a few weeks ago. That’s all my highlife. Didn’t get to read the book yet, I dunno, I think I’ll just get sad knowing everything.”

I laugh. Jamie sighs. He’s not the one to speak on topic, so he waits if I have anything else to tell. 

But I don’t.

I’ve had his silence for years if I would dream of speaking to him. 

And the New Year resolutions would be the same every year.

If I can’t relive first times and first kisses with him, then what do I have? It’s all I have, him in front of me and some sort of twisted way of that doesn’t make anything less bleak or exciting, because the passion and desire are just as strong at any lack of hope and age, just that the media will never say how attractive it is between two men at times and my own mind won’t, because just like ever I don’t push him regardless of how hard I try and want. I look at his right hand which still has the longer nails which he still uses to play guitar and I remember how I would dye his nails. Too much homoeroticism which would make any show envious off all the things we’ve done which ended up in a lonely heap like the hope of the viewers does. So was I, the viewer and the person who hoped. 

He holds the wine in his mouth.

“I guess it’s just like the papers say. Nothing beyond.” Jamie doesn’t expand on it and I think the look on my face resembling cardboard makes us on the same boat as I look away. 

And my curiosity takes me away, but I see he doesn’t want to speak much of it, as all my thoughts and conclusions go through me like a television screen and even if I wanted to walk with him now, just to let night’s lights give some sense of solitude among one another, but it doesn’t matter now, he’s holding me, yet it’s enough. I only wonder if he’s got his eye on anyone and how much can he even speak and if that’s even enough of what’s he said. 

“And yeah, the album is being a drag. We’ve been fucking fighting all the time.” He shrugs. He musses for a while and if we were to squeeze our life in a few sentences that would probably be it, like a dating application with the sentences instead of age and name on the mug shot frame. 


I've been trying to write new chapters for stories which haven't been updated in quite a while, kind of bringing everything back to life really xD and I'm sorry, I know I've promised this chapter months and months ago, but I honestly hope that the wait was worth it:3 if you want more, just poke me, trust me that helps xD sorry if I'm being annoying, just like anyone I love feedback pushes:) 

I think the whole idea came from the whole, yeah, I've had my first times, what now, does that make it less romantic sort of mood. I just think on anything and then I start thinking my thoughts on it and I choose a story where my thoughts would go best, that's why I've got so many. Like I started thinking of fluidity and gender so I wrote some Joyce, Joyce yesterday:) so yeah, expect more of that. I started writing PDD but I knew I wouldn't finish the chapter and since I was in a Brian/Jamie mood I decided to pick up on Always Golden since I knew that I was nearly done with the chapter:) and I even wrote more than usual :3 so that's pretty much the logic of which story I choose and I want to vary since I've got so many, really and maybe not bombard with one sole story and my thoughts race really often so I have as you can see all these plots running in my head. Whenever I get stuck I just pick up another story or already am writing a new one already:) or I have binges when I go and finish a bunch of stories at the same time xD and I rarely do one-shots:) short novels, yeah:)

I had started writing this chapter when I had slowly started finding stuff, so I guess mouth closed on certain things? I do speak a lot. Anyways. Brian's confusion is something I had had.

I had started writing this story when Jamie's finger had fucked up and he hadn't looked his best and yeah, it's quite striking that he looks very different and much much more attractive in real life (not that he's not gorgeous in photos, he is, but it's like even more attractive xD).

I think the whole Brian/Jamie maybe echoes when I had realized being female that I was attracted to females as well and I went on to regret not doing anything, but it's different when you're in a very unaccepting country, obviously. So Brian's story is pretty much, fuck, I didn't get to do anything or never even had the guts to ask really. Only I ended up with a massive argument and a fuck off for good instead of making out, me telling to fuck off actually xD

It's a bit weird to re-read since I do it for the accurate backstories or try to do them xD so it's like yeah, that looks like a good metaphor, yeah, I like that, like what do I say to that? xD

Callie joked that I got the accurate 'remember me' Brian, so yeah which I got anxious XD but yeah, I love writing Brian frankly and what I like about fanfiction it's taking the same characters and putting them anywhere you can, I really love that.

I was thinking how frankly everything becomes new to someone we haven't told that before, when it's daily and boring to us and vice versa. You can pretty much tell the same story to different people all the time to get the same "new feeling" for them. 

Wrote a paragraph for the next chapter just now xD

I actually met Peter Hook back when I lived in Edi, so used that shamelessly. He's lovely and I haven't read the book yet, makes me sad, frankly.

I didn't think that saying something loud would help, so subtleness was used instead and Jamie doesn't seem much of a nagging person right away. And I also added the last bits which were supposed to go for the next chapter, because I get anxious if the chapters aren't existing enough xD

I hope you enjoyed it and sorry for the wait, the next chapter will be up soon:)



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