Sunday, 28 December 2014

One For The Road 2

The more the thoughts slip away, the more the daily schedule seems like a blur, food slipping away and the clock sometimes being the only reminder that not on the fact that days are numbered, but the fact that desire is wrapped in some sort of self-loathing and all solutions just as destructive seem to bring nothing and there is a desire to be slimmer, just because everything keeps telling me that sizes go lower and lower, headlines go now like earrings into the ears, because there nothing else to clutch on

the desire to be lonely is so distant and seems to be yelling, because there is nowhere to run, just to desire to escape while standing and that’s what I’ve been doing, thinking that the slimmer you get the more attention you get

and backlash is simply grabbing a can of paint and slurring it on the pristine white walls, just to know how much of my own blood I’ve lost and how long will the state of comatose lust continue because he’s Miles’ and there is nothing I can do.

It’s losing against a competition I wasn’t aware of as the phone calls just distort reality reminding me that apparently Alex was never mine to begin with. 

It’s not even that it’s an open relationship, the more I think the more I know how all I’ve laughed about, that sex doesn’t matter, all seems to escalate and I wonder upon Alison’s misery in front of me, as her legs are crossed and she seems to be painfully thin as well. I try to smile at her, as her own eyes keep looking at me in some sort of tense déjà vu, as neither of us mention each other’s lost lovers. The only irony would be if our lovers would intertwine but the world is far more complex than a comedy, which love tends to be.
We are all destroyed by the desire to be loved and the lack of knowledge how to fall upon it, but Alison still seems to shine brighter as her eyes scroll down the menu.
She winks at me.
Maybe I should let it loose.

Miles is surely let alone with Alex. Maybe I should be the one to walk away, but it would get worse, I wouldn’t get out of bed and spend the whole day in a onesie. Alison seemed like something I had wanted to emerge from after a break-up, but I wouldn’t be and asking her to be there for me where silence is our current state wasn’t the best way either. 

There is nowhere to go and nothing to unravel and the mind is shut with the music box playing Miles’ guitar playing which Alex had shown me excitedly. I could see how he was slipping from my fingers and before anything had been properly done he had kept in said loop, but it wasn’t that I had to share it was the sole fact that I felt alone and I knew that he wasn’t mine in any way. It wasn’t that I detested Miles, it was that I detested Alex.
Alison seemed to echo to me of something long forgotten which was the first feeling of relief and me and Alex never went beyond talking of that sole girlfriend, I thought that Alex would be the last point for me.
Alison would always refuse personal questions and if the topic was opened it would always be her even if I had ventured quite a few times myself with my childish curiosity taking the door down.
I don’t think people realize how each and every action causes ruckus or might harm another person in a way they would never speak of it.

Yet lovers are the sexiest people you’ll ever see, yet Alison seemed to have this charm and fully unaware of her sexual energy in a careless matter which had attracted everyone from all genders and sexuality to try and dig their nails into her hipbones, pinning her down since she’s already taken over. She’s really something to see and to remind of how everything you do can be stripped down to nothing.

But maybe we’re all just shards of everything that has ever broken us, building piece by piece like a Christmas tree. That’s what we are. Alison chews on her thoughts slowly, before asking the right questions.

“So how is it with Alex?” Her dark eyes focusing on me, theatrical curtains opening all the stars she could hold just for me to reveal myself. I just shrug, taking another bite of the salad, as we had agreed to take two courses. I wonder if my own silence is the guillotine here, it’s not that I don’t want to talk to her, it’s that I can’t mention Miles and I’m sure she has her own secrets with Jamie and Kate. Something seemed a bit off. But I couldn’t point my finger and I would watch them just like anyone else would, with Alison’s hands intertwining with the lucky couple. But were they actually lucky?

I was sure that Jamie had been happy with Valentine, Alison was out of the question, both eyes would glitter once mentioned, yet Jamie’s past was as if he was covering his face with a book and we all never speak of the pasts we’ve lost. 

“He’s alright.” Her stars shine brighter and just like you dissolve at five a.m. from the wrong confession, from allowing the thoughts intrude and a phone call to declare hate for not loving, so do her eyes hold the spoon to tearing the wall apart. I just shake my head. 

“It’s not even Alex.” I scratch the back of my wrist. “It’s fucking me. I can’t calm down.”

I wish there were no smoke ban anymore and Alison just hurries up with her salad, taking me by the wrist, taking her glass of wine, to the outside, to let the cold night remind us of each other’s loneliness as just like neon it had illuminated our lives with the frost and illusion that we had been cheap. 

“I’m alone and I think I always will be. It’s not even Alex.” I keep repeating myself as I light the cigarette with haste, looking at the other woman in the eyes. Maybe I need to let myself loose and I just smile at her wryly, looking away as I light the cigarette and maybe sex stripped down is nothing as well, recalling Alex. We shouldn’t talk about things which don’t satisfy us anymore and nothing keeps me or him, yet we’re still intertwined just because we should be, as if we had some red string of fate which we’ve never had and bought for cheap just to break with exquisite scissors we both saved up on. We had nothing. I just shrug, my shoulders shaking as Alison just observes me, her raven hair resembling a magician’s curtain only I wish I was the disappearing rabbit, because I would tell myself the rabbit would go to a better place. 



I contradict myself don't I?

I guess I let a bit loose on the Alexa Chung ban, since I was lifting it off Alison to finish the stories with her and One For The Road happens to be one of them. It hasn't been updated since October last year, so rejoice, it will be updated to the end just because I enjoy the story and it is a story touching polyamory even if it's not those y'know happy polyamory stories I go for. And my gender is a complex thing, I felt female today and like writing about women, what really eased me up was the fact that I had written maybe yesterday or so, but people really unfortunately erase trans identities by saying that women are everything, that really harmed me for years, I thought I was a different female and frankly well, I know how a female feels and how is it when I'm male. I know the distinction and I get offended when people think it's clothes, it's not, it's your mindset and actions, your sex drive and more sexual factors at least for me. I don't like being female, but y'know it's a part of who I am, so yeah. I dunno if I wrote this as a male writer, but I wrote it knowing what I was going for, what female is really since I still am one at times instead of being all "everything is woman" which some rad folks on tumblr yell at ya. 

I dunno, NGE really opened my eyes on females a lot. Mainly that I'm not one, most of the time xD

Anyway, so it's quite nice to write females without feeling that pressure, it feels far less dysphoric to write about them whilst not being one, I guess or forcing yourself into one. I know, I contradict myself. 

This is the only Alexa Chung story in progress so feel free to enjoy it and I thought of it, she's perfect for this story and I like taking different people and fitting into their mindset well obviously I erased the cissexism and transphobia, because frankly we don't have non-problematic female celebs these days, so what can you do, ugh. Anyway, I felt it was unfair to discard this story which I had built through fully. Also I just had to keep her for the whole "I'll get skinny so maybe they'll like me" paragraph which frankly is something I struggle with and she was perfect for that. Either way, she's still scum, but y'know, I'll be ruthless and do it, use her for this story. It's still fiction.

I was quite manic today and then I got an anon asking me about why I had stopped writing her and I felt inspired which I'm thankful for and my attention drifted to frankly writing this chapter entirely so here it is:) 

I quite like the phrase of love being comedy, it's quite nostalgic to me. 

I seem to be having every character having different shades of brown, so I've been shamelessly using much more metaphors really:)

I stretched it beyond the intended 1k mark because I wanted to end it on something exciting really xD

I just felt that Alison's name just like in my head, ended the chapter, so I kept it even if it's a bit cliche and something I use often xD 

I dunno I just liked it and I think I'm happy gender-wise, knowing where my genders end and start, really:)

I hope you're all well this holiday season and if you want a story just poke me and I might binge it and push it out:3 

Thank you and tell me if you liked it, that would be amazing



P.S. look, I started using less smilies xD 

P.P.S. I went on the Alexa Chung tag and I want to stick a needle in my eye. I better finish this story fast xD

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