Blue/Jacket 8

I feel like I am the culprit to all the tension and I barely speak through out the whole thing and it’s hard to eat even if I haven’t properly eaten since breakfast, it just gets worse with every bite and when Alex suggests leaving I just nod, both of splitting the bill and my finger even slips as I type the pincode and I have to do it again, still frustrated at how it gets hard to get a fucking new card and soon enough we leave the tablecloths with candles and onto the cold street and I don’t want Alex to touch me and it’s as if it’s a mantra which I keep repeating in my head, it’s as if I don’t want to hurt myself and Jamie for some reason when it could’ve just been a kiss, but I feel like there’s too many missing pieces in my ideal puzzle of Alex and we keep walking, as he holds his silence and I know how concerned he seems about my help and my body still tingles and aches for his touch, because he is the long lost lover I had lost at sea of dreams and he’s back

But I never tell him that. I can’t. 

And even then it wouldn’t make much sense, would it? If I am fated with him why am I canoodling some other guy, mainly Alex’s ex?

Gender dysphoria comes slowly, it seemed that I was slowly coming in terms with myself, even if I felt that there was something wrong with me liking men, it seemed more natural than liking women, but it seemed awfully off and I never understood how to pinpoint it and the more days would pass, the worse it would get, nothing seemed to be enough and the body seemed more foreign and far more bloated, all of a sudden the “maybe I’m just different” seemed to be screaming, the bloated feeling was getting worse than when it dawned on me what it was, I had nothing to wrap myself with, my own breasts choking me as I wondered what could I even do and bandages seemed to scream fear of breaking my back and I just waiting for it to go away, locking the door and being late for dinner, shuddering at every mention of my birth name and soon enough it seemed to dawn on me that I was much more deviant than I thought. It would keep getting worse and worse, myself screaming that I couldn’t be male, just because society still sees us as women and trans gay men are something beyond imaginable. 

With the world at turmoil more images flashing made me even doubt myself more and the question is always asked, was I binding because I wanted or because I didn’t want to and wanted to convince myself that perhaps I could fit?

And it was awful, feeling exposed as I would walk with a binder and hearing Nick that he would never date a transman yet he would encourage me to use Grindr and in the first few weeks it seemed awful, because you never know who is trans and who isn’t, you don’t even properly know how should a man even look?

And that’s when I would bind myself even harder just to feel it far too tight and wonder would a flatter chest even help? I could still see myself in the mirror and the faint effects of hormones. 

The problem is that even if I were to believe, not everyone would.

And the fear stretches to everyone who you talk to and I can’t help but keep my eyes on Al and he doesn’t know, Jamie just swallowed it, but just because he seems to, doesn’t mean that everyone else ever will. I wouldn’t. And even then, with Jamie not besides me the fear escalates just like at any moment of watching gay couples, the lump lightly rises that they’re both cis and the fear strikes down, would I still be considered in? It feels like no matter how much I wrap myself around with different things, it’s as if the core will always be dysphoric and there will never be sunshine in the reflection.

And the more you go around the more you see that everyone lacks self-confidence in every motion, from the smallest to hesitating before a kiss to a flushed cheek silence from Alex. And neither do I know what to say when you turn from fate, as we approach the underground and we still hold our silence even now if we’re sitting opposite, watching each other, as I still slouch ever since I’ve hit puberty, being the most unfortunate to have my chest grow first in my class and I didn’t want them up to the point that I asked why were they growing so early and soon enough everyone else caught up, but I was the one remaining in baggy and wondering when the fuck could I trim my hair shorter and I’m happy no one told me that I’d have to wait years and years

Because it’s good no one has the nerve to tell you

How fucking miserable anything is under your age of today.

And we depart with a kiss, at least we intend to, but I quickly kiss his cheek, barely feeling it, as if he were a ghost and he smiles weakly at me and once I’m inside I yank my clothes off, taking the binder off, revealing my naked torso and I take a big heavy breath in, before yanking the oversized shirt on the chair next to the coat hangers, pushing my hair back just for it to fall back and I press myself against the wall, feeling my phone vibrate, but I slide down, still catching my breath to see that my panic had taken twenty minutes off me and my deadline coming faster and faster, as I slide to see a text from Jamie.

Fuck.

I lock it back, pressing against my lip.

I shouldn’t be putting him through the trouble, if I’m not aware of my own feelings,

but I was.

I rinse and repeat with the hair, walking to the bathroom, irritated at the sudden period, sighing deeply. 

Dreams become a mashup of what you’ve seen and what you will see. I see the man in flames again and I wonder who he is, he remains silent until we decide to start talking and all I recall is his hair in flames, my body twisting and turning in sleep, dysphoria slowly creeping on about me and I just press myself harder into the mattress, feeling the ambiguity and bloatedness of my chest. 

It was a disastrous date. 

And Jamie is in my mind, it now consumed with images even if I happen to be bleeding and I have no idea how long will it last and my whole body proceeds aching, upwards from my stomach that I just blindly ruffle on all the medication lying on the bedside table along with the T pills. I sit up, my whole body still zoning out and one of my legs even asleep as I grab some ibuprofen, swallowing blindly and without water after a few struggles. I cross my arms on my chest, breathing in deeply-

I dreamt of Alex again at some point during my night.

He invited me on a dinner and I refused a kiss. I don’t even know the time and I’ve already got Jamie on my lips and his whole name rushes through out my whole body, attraction is far too easy and I know for sure that he’s accepted me. He’s also seen me and he’s kissed me. 

I bite the back of my palm, realizing how numb I am from everything and most likely I should be changing the period towel.

Do we ourselves make love exist or is it the other person who triggers it?

I struggle for a brief while.

I recall that Jamie rooms with Jack, but where does Jack live?

I grab my phone, closing my eyes and finding Jamie’s contact. It’s around four a.m. but he doesn’t seem the very awake type, yet Alex is besides me.

I look at the door of my bedroom, imagining him sleeping and I just presume that he’s asleep and he could be having an early shift.

‘Hey, are you awake by any chance?’ I text fast and I pray that he only gets a beep or is a sound sleeper. I browse around my e-mail for no reason and quickly check Facebook before I get a proper reply which I take a few seconds to open, my eyes closed until the screen calms down. 

‘Was about to head off. You ok? I sleep at around five.’ He texts me back and I feel my cheeks heat up and my throat slowly start to close up. I never got butterflies, I would always get my chest very heavy and my throat close up on me, my heart beat and my blood rush, my eyes wide open. I lay back on the bed, biting my lip.

I can’t ask him to come over. I have no idea where he lives and there is one bus which goes through all of town, but that would take him an entire hour or two depending from where to get here. Before I text back, he hastily replies.

‘I can come over if you want, you live in Al’s house, there’s a bus which goes there at night.’ I bite my lip. 

‘Nah, don’t worry, I’ll be ok.’ I text and I feel afraid of my own desire to see him, Nick would come over. We both bathe in silence and I recall the man in flames. It’s as if he was something else. I try to wave the thoughts away.

‘Hold on, I’ll come over. Feel free to nap until I come.’ I close my eyes, quickly texting a thanks and curling up in a ball, wondering why couldn’t I just knock on Al’s door or maybe the tide has shifted and maybe the man in flames has something to say.

But he doesn’t speak.

All I hear is some ringing and I jerk myself up, quickly opening the door until it dawns on me that I didn’t put on the binder. I welcome him in, as he walks in with a bag from System Bolaget and I wonder what he bought the night before and he quickly glances at my chest and just kicks off his heeled boots. He’s in a new navy blue coat. I excuse myself for a moment and quickly adjust the binder on the chest, before coming back.

“Whatever makes you comfortable, Miles and... sorry.”

“Jamie, you came. That’s all that...” I yawn, shaking my head. “Matters.”

Can you actually be happy with the way you look?

Can it be ok not to do anything? I had wondered much past, leaning against the sink to see a confused face with longer hair which pains me to recall, it is in nights like this when looking at the mirror makes me realise how long I have been away, how long have I keep pushing everything from parents telling me that my haircut resembled a man’s. Everytime you show a painting, where a man is gay, I forget that it’s activism, but my parents always recall

And always remind-

It’s worse than water on the face in the morning, because water doesn’t linger in the ribs on the whole way on the pendeltåg and when you head out in a different region you don’t ask yourself who are you.

It’s the anxiety and confusion of fate.

Maybe you should take those who you are sure would destroy the moon for you?

I don’t hold and I grab his coat collar, as he nearly loses the grip on the plastic bag and he just leans a bit lower to drop the drink safely and pulls me closer, pushing me so much tighter that I get anxious, because my binder doesn’t fully flatten me and I feel him crushed against me and it’s a mix of light dysphoria, surprise, as I start feeling the taste of light cigarettes and he smells right out of a shower, his hair against my fingers as I stroke the back of his head, feeling anxiety rise, as at the same time, my body loosens and I feel as if I were in a cradle, my mind shutting off, as my lips become more vicious and I yanks his coat off-

I’m on my period.

And a cramp reminds me of that.

I pull away, groaning and with a light sigh, Jamie looks at me flushed and his hair in a new arrangement. 

“Sorry, I-”

“It’s ok, let’s just... put that on hold for a few days. I’m not sure I’m eager to lose my virginity on my period. I’ll be a dysphoric mess then.” I sigh, words coming out of me as soon as the thoughts do. I blink at my subtleness. Or rather, lack of it and Jamie just looks back at me, a bit flushed in his dark eyes as well. I wave my hands. “No, I meant, shit- I just... I... fuck.”

I do want to fuck him, just that it’s an awful wreck already with a binder and I don’t think I’ll handle thinking of bleeding either.

Shit.

Jamie scratches his head. 

“Whatever... you feel comfortable with.” He pauses, looking down. “I’m up for it, if you are, I mean... at your needed time.”

I feel the distance pierce us, but instead I give out a small smile. 

“Sorry, I never... I never even y’know. I never fucked anyone or was fucked for that matter. You’re the first bloke I properly kissed actually.” I mutter. “It’s a mess, figuring out your sexuality. I had a girlfriend and it was a mess, I wasn’t attracted but straight men just revolted me and I dunno, that was a disaster and she was my best friend’s sister, whom I had a crush on-”

I see Nick in my head.

“It was long ago and fucked up. I just felt like that would give me some gateway. It was fucked up. Sexuality is a fucked up thing. I didn’t know why I couldn’t get sexually aroused by her and I didn’t want myself to be with men, besides... Nick but he didn’t want me. He’s one of those who think to be a gay guy, you should... be a guy, really.” I exhale. I’m a mess and I become a mess in seconds. Jamie walks towards me, hands in pockets before putting his hands around me, yet watching me. “Sorry, I-”

“Yeah, I just... yeah.” I just put my head on his shoulder. I don’t say anything, because I’ve spoken too much and I kiss him, shattering all my thoughts on love and resolutions. 

-

It's the few days of occasions and well,

HAPPY 4TH ANNIVERSARY CALLIE :D so yeah, I've been with that bundle of joy for four years now. I guess I've said most to face and all the love I've ever described is usually mine towards Callie and I've spoken of it often, I still sort of write love letters to her through stories. So yeah, I've been ticked off at many things, so I've been a bit less outspoken, eh, nah, I've been more loud, who am I kidding?

So yeah, it's been four years, it's insane and bizarre and I'm happy.

It was chosen by Callie to post Blue/Jacket today which I had binged the night before:) and I was thinking to put this up yesterday, so here it is :D

I think it's quite symbolic to put it out because I really based Jamie's acceptance off Callie so yeah:) 

I think I ended up making Miles poly without me trying properly and my mind is all, what's the big deal xD

So it's quite fucked up trying to accept that you're poly really and if you're fated then you ask yourself how do both people fit then? 

I get awful dysphoric days and I had written the whole dysphoria monologue under one of those, it just get really draining specifically because of frankly the world and tumblr shoving as if the US are the only country existing so of course you get a lot of internalized hate towards men and it's seen wrong for being male and through out the years, so it's a pain to allow yourself to be who you are. It really is and it's so fucked up that even as I type it, I still think it's somehow wrong or I ask myself. Specifically gay transmen are the most nonexistent for some reason, so I just get proud I guess of writing Blue/Jacket. I frankly just like anyone starts hating on whoever tries to erase you and because frankly there's been a lot of erasure and frankly torture from male to female through out the past, it influences what is happening now, obviously, but the problem is that those whoever fucked up history fucked up queer men too and now it's just two against one, really, since you've either got the allies yapping or the angry homophobes. Like even speaking out makes me feel awful. Because I'm so used to frankly despising men. I end up despising myself and all the posts comes crashing down about how you shouldn't be male, dot.

Because you just get hate from everyone or ignorance or just the sole, you don't exist, so yeah. No one… thinks of that, you think male is all cool. It's not. It's fucking listening to how fucked up you are and being dysphoric for who you are.

So making Jamie accepting was kind of… like in Faking It they make everyone be accepting, it's that sort of thing, keeping transphobes like Nick in the past, because well, it's not as bad as it is in life. I really need to get my head out of tumblr where I've been more triggered and dysphoric than in life where no one bats an eyelash at my gender. 

I think puberty when I had been the first one to grow breasts was awful and I wouldn't sit straight, I would screech that I didn't want my breasts to show and it was awfully dysphoric to this day I still wear baggy shirts and I slouch, but I don't dislike my breasts, I dunno, I guess I even like them on days when my dysphoria doesn't hit an all time low. And with the whole "small breasts are better trend" I just feel more protective over them, because this is my body and I like it. 

I get a lot of derealization through life, so I go through in a haze, so I had given that not just to Miles here but a bunch of other characters through out my written stories. 

I realized the fun four a.m. mentioned here, so yeah, it's funny because that's around when me and Callie started dating :3

I specifically have this specific region in mind and there's this night bus, so yeah, it's quite a nice route, I think. I miss Stockholm at times xD

System Bolaget is the booze store, frankly xD

Sometimes I forget that even writing about LGBT couples is activism because it's such a daily part of me that I forget that frankly me solely existing as a gay transman is frankly already controversial for some fucked up reason when I'm solely existing, even when I'm sleeping xD it's fucked up and I wish I could punch society in the face.

I had figured that Jamie wouldn't drop the booze, but he wouldn't hold it either, so the scene happened xD

I got hugged and it was weird, I never felt that dyphoric about my breasts because it was just one of those bone-crushing hugs and I got nervous because what if I got read as female then, I don't think I did, I did get terrified though xD and yeah, happy, you do care when someone you like hugs you so yeah. 

I'm a nightmare when I start dating, I'm all OH YOU AND ME FORVER TOGETHER XD so yeah, that's why my characters are just as a wreck as I am xD

I had written more, but for the next chapter ahaha xD

I hope you enjoyed it and yeah, I'm off to celebrate with sleep xD I'll leave it at that. No really, I'm off to bed XD

Tell me if you enjoyed it:3

<3

Jamie