Saturday, 13 December 2014

Gandalf's Inhaler 17

“We’ll be going north to Scotland, wanna join?” I hear Matt ask me as I’m packing the homework and my hands start shaking. This isn’t the first time I hear someone who has heard my story and in the end they just manage to throw themselves back in there and even offer me a ticket when all they did previously was pat me on the head how awful it was and that the place should rot. I just pack my bags silently, leaving Matt to presume as if I would think of it but it isn’t so. 

It amuses me how people see bad things happen and still hold onto their values. Sometimes I miss it too much and I wish I could dig my teeth into a cupcake and stash the drink, whilst heading into the bus and just taking some long route out of the city to see something else, posh or not. I walk on, lighting a cigarette as I see Ezra go near me and pause. He stretches a piece of paper towards me with names.

“Do you want to sign up for the trip around Scotland? We’re all doing this before Christmas on the last weekend.” He smiles, but his smile is a bit forced and I can’t help but feel uncomfortable around him, I just shake my head as I start walking off.

“Miles Kane!” I hear Ezra call out and I turn around just to see him smile widely. I nod at him, asking and he just motions for me to move on and I catch one last glimpse of his content before I leave. I try not to think much of it and I spend the rest day trying to concentrate, time slowly catching up on me as some people already start getting offers just because they had submitted earlier and I try to avoid the personal statement at all costs and I have no idea how appealing will I ever look. 

Meeting Breana is almost awkward because she doesn’t ask me anything at all, Matt around her seems without change, whenever she’s doing homework or anything that’s when Julian is over and at the beginning I mind it and I head out, always making sure to hold myself until the night to meet Al. Then I stop holding and mostly he just subtly fits in, never bothering me if I’m doing extra for Biology which keeps me going or books Alex would just shove in my face from the library.
Julian keeps his silence until I am left with him and I had the idea of going out of campus and Matt refuses and Julian agrees, that’s when I exhale but I don’t take back my offer.
I don’t pinpoint how anxious Julian is until we leave and I notice that he even is the holder of silence. He is now with some streaks painted blue and red, the feathers still there and he feels like he fell out of the closet, still interwtined in all the garments he found there, while I’m just here in a plain black coat, my hair needing a bit of a trim, while he just manage to get a cut in the closet as well. 
It’s not my relation to be pissed at.
"I’m sorry I just-"
"No, it’s ok. It’s really not my business between you, Matt-" I hold a pause. "And Breana."
Julian just nods.
"I just don’t think what you guys are doing behind Breana’s back is great, because she’s my friend, but -"
"I always thought Alex was fucking Ezra on the side." Julian turns his head and I just blink, my hand twitches lightly an I wonder if I am indeed giving Julian too much freedom, but then I spoke out what I thought of them regarding Breana. I watch him bewildered.

“Excuse me?” I lower my voice, as we walk on past the gates and I think I see Ezra watching me from a bench but I just duck my head lower, feeling uncomfortable and with him being on our lips makes it even more awkward. 

“Well, they always had rumors and I figured that well, he’s really good looking why wouldn’t he fuck around?” I narrow my eyes, no wonder I just keep in touch with Matt and Breana solely and even then Matt gets on my nerves with his new shite boyfriend which I have to keep to myself from his actual girlfriend. 

“I thought the rumors were about him and Arielle.”

“Well, maybe you’re not too interested in the gay aspect of it, dunno.”

“I’m gay, thank you very much.”

“I know, same. I still thought he’d still be fucking Ezra, he doesn’t look like the best shag though, Ezra, but then I could be wrong.” I clench my fists and I just walk on, thinking that perhaps cinema with any movie is the best idea because then he would shut the fuck up and I’d try to cleanse my mind and I try not to think of Ezra too much on the bus ride, which is silent again as Julian watches me, feeling now a bit guilty and daft as he stands up to see what’s behind the window and soon enough he opens it and I keep watching him, as if I were in a LGBT group for the first time and he smiles at me.

“I’m sorry, I just think... Alex is really good-looking, that’s all. You’re lucky to have him, Matt told me.” I just nod harder, biting my lip and I try to close my eyes to think of Alex’s fingers running swiftly through my hair as the image turns into me pinning him down, holding his chin as I slowly thrust in and Alex moans, closing his eyes, his hips rocking against mine, his cock hard-

“What do you want to do?” Julian asks I instantly open my eyes and cross my legs, my boner is surely not for him to see, he already stomped on Breana’s life along with cheating Helders. I just shrug and sometimes I feel some wave of nostalgia as I try to close my eyes and sometimes I get evidence of how homesick I might be of the north and how I would never get to see the same things not because I can’t, but because I couldn’t. And the more I think of it, the more I feel homesick because it had been an escape and it was where I came out, where I stood up and where I had been openly gay to everyone who knew me, just to wipe off everything whenever any of my parents would come over, the eyeliner coming off, the kohl pencils stashed and all random posters taken off-

I had marched on Gay Pride, just not to be defended by most and I sigh, nothing being able to be done and I still feel homesick, moving to a new place because there is no choice, doesn’t make you love it easily, it’s a slide out of desperation and all the imagery still new and all the turns and hanging from the belief that by the end of the day I’m just paperwork. Because the march becomes commercial and becomes hypnosis to believe that the water you drink is wine, because the taste will be there but the body and bruises will give in to show what it actually was on the autopsy table. And I wonder how much pain do I even have stored in my body, as I glance at Julian before we head off and too many things keeps circulating with fear in my head, too much fear escalating as I keep looking at him and I know that there is nothing I can say about him and Matt. 

There is nothing really to do besides watching movies, which none catch our attention and we just pay for overpriced coffee, sitting and once Julian gets the chance he leans in and asks if Alex ever talked about his famous ex and I said that they dated before Nick was ever a Monkey or a Puppet or whatever. Once you live outside of somewhere where shopping is easily accessible the need to just raid everything seems to slowly start vanishing and we just walk around the hangers with all the overpriced clothing and floral always trying to make its way in, which Julian tries on. It dawns on me that we are rather peaceful besides his previous remarks and by the end of the day it’s not you who chooses your best friend’s partner and when we start raiding the sale sweaters I just look down.

“I’m dating Alex. You’re dating Matt.” Fuck it, he is. “Just don’t fucking out me down because I haven’t slept with someone you admire.”

He blinks at me. 

“I really didn’t mean by saying that.” Julian acts all innocent and I can see that the wanker solemnly thinks that he had stated nothing wrong ever in his life and the flirting with Matt or fucking around whilst being the lover made him from from innocent regarding judgement. 

“You still fucking said it.” I snap and I clumsily fold the ugly woolen sweater back and I wonder how long will it be until they start selling swim suits. The Christmas deals come on but I still decide to just order something nearly blindly for my parents and we stop before the make up aisle and I recall how I would stand choosing kohl and even toying with silver eyeliner and Julian just grabs some Maybelline kohl and I grab myself one, new one never bothers anyone and we both pay in silence. Maybe I should’ve experimented more, but I enjoyed being one of those “pretty boys in eyeliner”. It was a phrase I had read in a magazine or just randomly reading random music band history. We all have someone who we steal the eyeliner from. 

“Life is ugly, so you expect everyone to be fucked up. I’m sorry.” He says and we keep walking. “He’s not dumping Breana or telling her, either.”

And then I just look at Julian, who I never realized was juggled as well. I quickly take out a cigarette, offer him one, they are both quickly lit and I just stare at my best friend’s lover. 

“I thought both of you were in this shit together.” He makes an unsure face. I roll my eyes. “Tell me fucking everything.”

Julian struggles for quite a while as we keep on walking, both of us smoking, watching the windows change into small offices with no people inside or the occassional weekend worker as he finally catches up on his own words. 

“We’re all scared of the same future we’ve had in the present: getting dumped.” He smirks at his own words, inhaling and failing to do a smoke ring as he watches the cold air already mixing with the cigarette smoke and I wonder how long will it be until it will decide to eventually snow and give us a mixed feeling of Christmas. I shudder at Christmas as I had wondered how would the next year unravel and I still wonder about Alex’s plans briefly and how would my own play along.

Can you judge and be as unforgiving as it if were upon yourself?

“And how often does one even fall in love, anyway?” He asks with no particular answer in mind, silence being suffice from my end. The grayest winter is upon us, with barely any sunlight and reflection of gray clouds upon the pavement. And who are we to judge others before they tell their story if they ever do?

It’s some edge of relief talking to Julian because it echoes of a time when the closest I would get is people talking about questioning before going back to females and it was as if that sole moment was the best I could get, as if I were stuck in some questioning and awareness that I was solely attracted to males. 

Decisive moments happen and other opinions form in the split of a second. 

I keep wishing of snow, because maybe if you add enough white the gray will go away.

I masturbate when I’m sad, unfortunately I can’t do that on the streets unless it’s not directed at someone apparently in some cases and some countries, and right now it’s impossible with social anxiety and people in mind and sometimes attraction would happen, even if it’s a switch right now, all turned off and Alex spinning around in his chair.

We’re announced a storm as we plan how to head back and I look at Julian, wondering if he is the catalyst, if he is the reason for all the treason, would it be because the person forces you to cheat, so would you have never tripped if there had been no objects on the floor or would you have fallen down regardless? So all the board with the cancelled trains and busses is far from tempting, as the wind just manages to space everything out and digging under the coats and whistling as if it were the only loose thing on the streets. 
So what would tilt, would everyone fall, hands clasped and I look at Julian, even wondering how Matt had even fallen for him, I wouldn’t have gone for either Matt or Breana for that matter and I just wrap the scarf tighter around me, nuzzling my nose against the wool fabric, feeling December wrap us even tighter in it’s cold snow deceiving hands and I wonder if Santa would even be able to make proper footsteps or if he would just miss us all together. 

It starts snowing but just like the truth it never reaches the ground and melts from too harsh of a struggle and I try not to focus, a few images and inner turmoil flashing in my eyes, as I hear the phone vibrate. I take it out, taking a step away from Julian, who still seems to be talking about the sweater he had decided not to buy at the store earlier, choosing a skeleton of a reindeer to sport the cheer. I smile at Alex’s message, which is rather shy and short, asking how was I and I just replied. I would be seeing him later today and after meeting Ezra we had decided to keep it low-key, since our Christmas and winter holidays will be more stitched together and I get anxious from the thought of seeing him again even if it’s every night, nearly, sneaking out in a cliche sort of way, in the night just to be under everyone’s radar and laughing out loud, music muffling as if explaining Alex’s odd cures to his insomnia which had been commented by Ezra and quickly shoved away by Alex. 

Ezra seemed to be making circles in my mind as he also had to shoo off regarding the Scottish trip, which thankfully was something nearly everyone seemed to be on board with. 

When we sat in the taxi to see the snow falling, reminding of the wind it brings with it’s selective misery I felt how tired I was, how everything ha started rocking from side to side for me that I just closed my eyes, Julian’s sudden insecurities flowing back to me in all the conversations we had held today. Snow grips sleep longer and I wonder who defines what friends are and how much should we judge on their actions.

But maybe that’s why they’re solely friends. I drift far too much that I bang my head against the window, before falling asleep again, as I check on Julian who seems dreading coming back to our daily routines of work on all boarders: love and education. Apparently I’ve got the wings he lacks. 


I'm sorry it's nearly been six months since the last update. I know, I don't write milex as often as I used to, I've been drifting to pretty much shipping Jamie Hince with everyone and frankly this is maybe the only story I'm writing which doesn't have him in it XD 

I actually added the last paragraphs from the next chapter because this one was too short and I just felt bad and wanted to add a bit more XD

GI will slowly start wrapping up so yeah:) and yeah, the setting is somewhere in the UK to be honest, because I need that for the grand finale xD there's a lot to come and I needed to highlight something else, but I'll remain quiet for now:) I really enjoy writing it and I'm sorry that I've been slower with milex and yes, I'll be updating No. 1 Party Anthem soon >.> but GI is just as loved, so I hope I am forgiven at least a bit? XD 

I don't speak often of locations but I had talked or at least in my mind, I had the same city as where I had lived, that's what I keep in mind and it's odd now since it's so thankfully far away now, it's sad and I get nostalgic but for what it was or used to be. I guess it's just hard because a big part of my life was spent in the UK so it's really hard even if like right now, I'm all middle finger mode, I still get nostalgic and I think of it, but I'm happy I am out, so yeah. I just get annoyed watching news on whatever is fucked up over there and annoyed at all the problems and discrimination. Or when people claim that it's accepting just ticks me off, because it's not true obviously as I've been proving about:)

I still think they have the best small cupcake chain. It's quite memorable to me because in the year I met Callie I acted in this short movie and we based it around their cupcakes and we actually won second place in a Polish Youth Festival, so I'm an acclaimed actor xD haha, not really, but I did play the main role so it was fun. Yeah, I'd want a cupcake xD the movie is actually on youtube, but I'll keep it hidden for now xD

I love writing Ezra as a villain, I have no idea why he's always one since I've used him twice, I should kill that idea somewhere XD 

GI follows my thinking and musing on cheating. I just write many stories because they follow a certain mood or idea and because I have so many thoughts I for instance shove cheating everywhere, or love triangles, or a pairing, the way I happen to imagine them at the moment and etc:3 so yeah, GI follows watching cheating and actually cracking some truth behind it, so yeah:)

Since I've been writing this for so long, it's like wow, rumors of Alex and Arielle, this sounds so old now XD and such a flashback to the first chapter or so:3

Sometimes I'm Julian, sometimes I'm Ezra, I'm not as openly harsh as Julian, but I am a loudmouth rarely and yeah, it's awful when someone pretty much says something like that. I've had that both from people who were assholes or regarding assholes, so yeah.

Oh, yeah, when you drift thinking of sex and then you're like "oh, yeah, whatever you were talking about… (shite)" xD I dunno, I just like making GI realistic with random snippets so yeah:)

I marched back when I lived in the UK and hey, that didn't help much me exactly, did it? So yeah.

I just wrote a bit of the next chapter so yeah:3

I'll really be wrapping it up in a few chapters unfortunately, sorry about that but um, I really don't want to recall everything and all is well now, but I do want to go through the main points, so yeah. I hope you're enjoying the last chapters of the ride:3

"Pretty boys in eyeliner" was stolen from some Scarfo review I had read, describing Jamie and I liked it so it stung to me. I really love make-up so I naturally shove anyone I can into it xD I should really be pushing it more, I know xD

I got ticked off thinking last night that pretty much the most known queer men were nearly all bisexual, so frankly there's maybe like two right now from the top of my head who said they were gay, there's more bisexual, so yeah, I mean like looking back before everyone started coming out, historically speaking. I just really want more good gay men novels, really. I picked up Our Lady Of The Flowers just to read about a straight couple, so I'm annoyed at that.

I really want snow, it starts snowing but it melts, grrr…

The masturbation bit was the opening of the next chapter and I think it speaks for itself XD

We actually got caught in a storm, in a different city with a Christmas tree, no trains, no busses and we had to fucking get a taxi, fun xD not really, honestly xD I had also bought the train ticket, ugh.

I derail on theories, like I've spoken about it before in other stories, they are not my exact views, but I think in character, as if Miles in this case was thinking on cheating, if the person somehow still is the catalyst. I just think both are at fault, I'm very black and white regarding this xD

I get scared what is some lines are cliche or metaphors, like truth and snow, but I liked it and I thought of it, watching snow outside. I have this new writing place where I push the chair next to the window and observe the small inner square or whatever, I had described it in some other story, I'll mention it in when that chapter of 500 is posted:3

I actually want that skeleton sweater from H&M xD

Ah, I miss texting, soon, Callie, soon xD since we're always together, but better together than texting, enough LDR for sure XD and yeah, I'll be studying soon so yeah:3

For some reason it never dawned on me until now or didn't properly, but both Alex and Jamie sneak in the night to spend time together in To Miles, like Alex and Miles do in GI, but then strict institutions require that xD

I'm very strict regarding friends, so yeah, I do shove that, I should calm down… nah, I'm always angry xD

I hope you enjoyed it and tell me if you did, so that the next chapter will be up sooner :D bribe me with nice comments haha xD




  1. I really hope you haven't given up on this! It's by far one of the best stories I've read - and I just realised (a few chapters back actually) that I don't even see this as a milex story - it feels far too real (don't know how else to explain it) ...
    But I'm completely lost in this

    1. With your comments I've started thinking if I should pick it up again as I left it on a hiatus. It's surely going to be finished some day, but I need to choose a time when I can surely stomach it and going back to that mindset isn't the easiest thing to do. But I'll surely pick it up sometime soon :)
      Thank you so so so so much for liking this story!

    2. It's difficult NOT to like this ... There's so many aspects to take into consideration - I mean it's not just a story you read and think "nice one" it really makes you think (like most of your stories) and I guess that's why I can't let go of your stories.
      (And me forgetting it being milex is BIG atm)

    3. I know, it's one of the best stories I've ever written actually x) in my opinion at least, I should really get back to it and give it it's well deserved last few chapters.
      I am so so so happy and flattered, thank you so much! (It's quite blossomed to be one of it's own and I'm terribly proud of it!)