I still get nightmares or maybe it’s just my own thoughts which creep in and grab me. It gets worse sometimes and I’m locked again. But this time, it’s weird, I am asked to decorate a Christmas tree and my former biology teacher throws the lights at me and I can’t seem to put them up there’s a very foul taste in my mouth and I wipe my mouth to see blood, but instead he yells at me to decorate better, but in the end all the tree falls down, breaking the Christmas ornaments and they look like jelly and he tilts his head, saying how disappointed he is in me.
I still feel like it was my fault, I had never told my parents why, but whispers that it was my fault could be heard as I would mute the television to hear them speak. But at the same time it’s funny how parents are blind to homosexuality.
They still believe I’ll be with a girl.
Maybe it’s because I’m an only child.
I’m the end of the tree, I am the only one who will hold the family blood bonds further and now they will go nowhere, collapsing with my last breath.
But I wake up and Matt is gone, most likely in the kitchen, doing something and I wonder if there is no one else besides him and people crawling out to get milk and cereal, because their eyes are far too shut to do something on the stove.
I end up putting the same shirt as yesterday, crawling into my jeans and I head out onto the corridor feeling chilly and it’s weird how summer had skipped past me as I had tried to get out somewhere and I still ask myself where has the warmth gone?
But then it had landed on Alex’s lips and I see him in my mind, as I push open the door of the kitchen to see Matt making pancakes with Breana sitting in a chair, someone raiding the fridge. Breana waves and Matt just smiles and I feel as if everyone knows what I had done last night, but instead I go to sit next to Breana and I look at her book, not recognizing it and I stretch out my arms in the air as we wait for the lad to leave.
Breana gives me a wee hug as Matt takes out three plates.
“You alright?” I ask her and she looks a bit too tired and I’m sure I look even worse. Breana just smirks and Matt hesitates for a while. She shoots a soft glare at Matt, who just shrugs. “Ok, what the fuck happened? If you guys broke up, I demand you two back together.”
“No, fuck no, not that. You see... Breana took plan B and she called her mom about it and her whole family is saying that it’s ok if she gets pregnant coz I’m a nice lad. So, see, no big deal?” Breana rolls her eyes and starts banging her head against my shoulder, wincing. I blink. They usually use condoms. Like they really do and it usually lies around and I have to kick it under the bed and then explain to the RAs that the condoms aren’t mine if they end up under my own.
“But...” I point at both of them at the same time, confused. “You had some condom shit training.” I point at Breana. “You freak out and use them.” I point at Matt.
“We were both drunk.” Matt explains and motions us to sit and eat the pancakes to which I just see Breana stand up and start cutting them in small cubes and I notice that it’s anxiety which is causing her the distress, well, the whole situation is.
“Yeah, but... you should still wear a condom, mate.” I say, gulping and imagining a wedding with Breana pregnant and frankly all of Matt’s family beaming and as well, as Breana’s, they got along and well, I don’t think anyone could ever judge them. The only time Matt was judged was when they were both around fourteen and they were caught shagging. There wasn’t even a bad reaction, just Matt freaking out so badly he ran outside naked and the postman saw it and ended up telling the small town. And I see myself catching the bouquet and Alex laughing besides me.
Hey, Al, what the fuck are you doing?
And then all the attention in my daydream is shifted to me and my biology teacher.
“Now, Miles, you tell me you wear a condom.” Matt says and Breana starts laughing. Fuck. “You do realize you can get an STD, right? And then poor me and Breana will have to go to the GP with your blue cock or green pubic hair and be like, well, our lad here just didn’t wear a johnny.”
I don’t say anything and Matt takes some pancakes in his mouth, watches me and swallows before joining in to Breana’s smirking.
“So you don’t. Mate, how can you know he’s cl-”
“Matt...” I inhale, realizing that perhaps I should’ve been more cautious. “At least I won’t get pregnant or he won’t, as far as I’m aware of.”
“You can still get syphilis or something.” Breana interrupts, her attention now shifted to talking me into safe sex rather than her pregnancy and I glance at her, wondering if she actually will be pregnant. After all plan B isn’t always effective. I’m guessing about ten percent it fails, I’m guessing. Never bothered. Thought I’d die a virgin, never having sex. I don’t mention the plan B thing, though and I sit next to them and I start eating as Breana starts drawing random bacteria with jam on Matt’s pancakes, explaining me, since hers are already small cubes.
“You do realize I take Biology...” I have my former teacher saying that it’s my fault that I failed. Fuck him. “...and I’m good at it, I guess. I know how some even go on infecting the body later on, Breana.”
Matt smiles slightly and he and Breana glance at each other.
“What? I’m good. I never said I’d give up Biology... well... I didn’t really mean it, I guess. I mean. I like it, I’m good the fucker screwed it.” I start poking my pancake too much and it looks like it’s been bombed brutally.
“And you screwed your biology teacher.” Breana adds and I mouth a “haha” at her. But then she smiles, in relief. “And you are good, Miles. I will never forget how you helped me on that test. Ever since that day in middle school, you were Biology to me.”
“That sounds like he’s a fucking skeleton with all the hints on his body.” Matt says and they’re both eating each other’s pancakes which should result in me asking or at least raising an eyebrow, but with those two, I just watch them amused. But yeah, it’s been quie a while, they’ve been together for three years and it feels weird because I recall Matt saying how he has a crush on her and asking if I find her hot and I didn’t know what to reply, because she is good looking, but I’ve never found her sexually attractive for a bunch of reasons, mainly how restricted I am, I sometimes feel that what if I should be attracted to anyone nice, but they only people I’m attracted to happen to be blokes.
“Pretty much.” Breana agrees.
“As long as you drank it within the time limit, you’re fine.” I say, eating.
“But if you don’t want to keep the baby, we can give it to Nick O’Malley. I mean, he’s gay, since he dated Alex, so why not adopt a beautiful baby conceived by loyal fans?” I just roll my eyes and Breana drops her fork, asking Matt how had she missed this. I listen to Matt explain how apparently they dated and I keep eating my pancake in silence. I wonder what had actually happened between them and in my eyes, even if I dislike Nick, he’s still talented, I’ve got to give it to him. And well, I’m just... me. A bundle of guilt and worry. I wonder if Alex would still go for him, but...
And there’s Ezra and I can see him walking through my mind in his Babar jacket.
“Does that mean we have a chance in meeting Nick?” Breana asks me, pleading. I just blink in confusion. I’m not even sure they keep in touch, the photo of Al with long hair looked a bit old and well, I really hope they don’t.
“I dunno. Can we please not talk to my...” Boyfriend. Alex? My... I drop it. “Can we just not ask him about his ex?”
“No, coz Nick is amazing. Dude, we can maybe like get to see him and then I can get an autograph and arrange a threesome with Breana and him. He’s the only guy I’d do.” My best friend, speaks up, looking up and most likely picturing Nick playing for him naked, I’m sure he’s thinking of his music rather than his body.
“He’s the only guy I wouldn’t do.” I speak up, widening my eyes with the image of Matt laying in bed in Nick’s and Breana’s arms. I really don’t want to see those condoms, let alone even kick them under the bed. I think I’d fry them and bleach my eyes.
“Speaking of do and don’t.” Breana leans towards me and whispers Alex’s name. “Alex surely had more partners. He could be a carrier.”
“Can we please not?” I wince.
“It is ok to ask if he’s clean, right? I mean, it’s not like he wants to give Miles some STD, right?” Breana asks Matt who is finishing off the last pancake, which is now his and had meiosis for some reason drawn with jam on it.
“I think it’s alright, but I’d still use a condom.” Matt shrugs. I look down, feeling embarrassed that well... with condom it seems different, which isn’t too safe for me to say, but I’d want to feel him not some rubber. Well, I am reckless.
“We can check you, like go into town and stick you in a GP if possible. Hopefully they’ll cut your cock off.” Matt smirks and I kick him under the table.
We eat the rest as Breana keeps ranting how the rumor that she might be pregnant already circulated and even her grandmother had called her to ask what size would the baby be. She kept ranting how it’s nearly to the stage where people are thinking who would take the baby to dancing lessons regardless of gender.
I wait for them to finish and I wonder for a bit, just staying abstract how would my family react if I were to have children one day. I’ve obviously had the thought when coming out that I might not have children of my own, unless I get a trans man who won’t get a sex change or well, there’s many possibilities. What I never got was how trans people got abused.
Back where me and Matt lived we knew a trans man, but he was pretty much closed up and in the end he had moved and before he had left we had seen him wear dresses, but the point was that we knew he was bullied. I’m not in the place to judge with gender being a wide spectrum. I think we’ve all had our doubts, because loving men in my head had made me wonder what if I had been a girl, but I don’t well, feel like one, so soon enough the thought was discarded, but that doesn’t erase the fact that children are not informed well enough that it’s ok to be gay.
We’re so much not informed that I don’t think it’s ok to tell my parents and I never had a boyfriend my age and well, I honestly don’t know how would it be if Alex was my age and not my teacher.
I wonder how he had looked my age and how he had to come out and if it was with Nick.
“Do you think Alex inspired some of Nick’s songs though?” Matt asks me as I wash the plates, the least I could do as both of them try to arrange the magnets which were bought by someone which frankly are a few palm trees and they try to arrange the word fuck with them, amused.
I remember trying Nick’s first few albums and they had some love songs, I knew he was gay, but I still didn’t like his music and well, it’s great that someone who isn’t straight is as popular as Nick is, even if his private life is not well known. But yeah, there was some mention to some guy he had loved in his teenage years.
“Dunno. I guess.” I scrub harder. I have to ask now, not just to avoid the topic of The Arctic Monkey, but the fact that I need to meet Alex outside. Another girl walks in and starts cooking, causing me to start some random topic and we don’t discuss Nick which makes me even happier and I see Breana being happy with her success of writing fuck.
We end up going to our room and I lock the door, worried and Matt and Breana are already on the bed. I gulp.
“Can we go to town?” I ask, feeling tense and shy to ask them. Matt and Breana’s hands are still where I can see them and I’m happy that over the years they’ve done less PDA in front of me, but they had this period where they would go to mine’s and I’d have to do something else for quite a while, also causing my parents to ask when would I get a lovely lass.
I won’t ever and I won’t go on most likely having my own biological children and at this rate, surely not. I think of Alex and I shoo the thought away, too early, too early.
I hear my phone vibrate and it’s just Alex sending me a smilie. Honestly, I don’t think I’d have the guts to send anything else, I just reply a different smilie, that being the first and last idea I have. I suck.
“Basically, Alex said we could meet outside, since he’s spending the night over at his parent’s in town and well... you’re not allowed alone, you have to sign out at least the two of you.” I sigh. Matt and Breana look at each other.
“I have a damn load of homework.” Breana moans.
“You can copy off mine’s if it’s for Ezra. I’ve done it in class, couldn’t be bothered since he handed it out before hand.” And then it’s sealed, it’s all three of us. Matt asks if he can meet Nick’s ex and I just flip at him, starting to get ready.
Pretty much all of the chapter is dedicated to the second loveliest couple in the story. Which made me realize out of big characters only Ezra is single >.> and Ezra didn't show up properly yet and of course, there's Nick.
All was written in about two sittings, now and yesterday before I fell asleep XD um, I've got a donation box if you like my stuff and yeah :D
Um, I hope you liked it and please feel free to request :D