One For The Road

I feel surrounded by a mist of confusion, where I myself don’t know why am I confused and it feels more awkward, waiting with Alex for Miles. I don’t know why I still haven’t asked myself properly why am I still here and I’m ok with him having a lover which had started a while ago. 

I really wonder why do I think that it’s ok as long as I’m the main girlfriend and we’re still nowhere close to engaged, yet he assures me that he loves me, yet he loves Miles too. Miles is nice and all and well, he knows that still officially I’m the girlfriend while he’s the lover.

But I’m still not ok.

I feel like Burrough’s wife sending William off to his lover to Mexico, only in this case it’s France. 

I wonder how long will it be until I will have the apple on my head and the blurred lines between murder and accident will be in my mind for the last seconds, no other thought, maybe not even love.

But the last week he’d call Miles, but I guess maybe it had been a silent agreement between all three of us, that I deserved, well, that an odd choice of a word, to spend some time. 

Eventually Miles arrives beaming on the train station and I just wrap the silk scarf tighter around me, burying my nose in it, my hands deep in my jean jacket’s pocket and it’s too chilly for August. Or maybe it’s just the lack of sleep as I had laid watching Alex sleep, stroking his hair, knowing that tomorrow the person in love besides him won’t be me. 

They hug tightly and I look down, even if I’ve seen them kiss before, jealousy strikes my head, but I just smile.

It’s funny that Alex had told me that the relationship had been open for both sides, but I don’t think I’d be capable of loving another man as well, I had told him, to which Alex had asked me what about another woman then?

For me the lines between genders seemed more strict than for him. I’ve known him better than anyone, it’s funny how the newspaper never catch on my loneliness or his relation with Miles. I’m too jealous and I’m sure Miles is sometimes. Once we had all gotten drunk and Al had passed out, me and Miles still taking tequila shots. 

“You’re still the official one. I mean, Al, he’ll never come out, I dunno about myself, it’s just not good, everyone thinks you should have a gal besides you.” I had started hiccuping. “But he loves you, don’t ever doubt that, darling. Just that, it’s the three of us, only we’re both not attracted to each other. I mean you and me.”

He had been pissed drunk.

I think I had worn two bras over my t-shirt by the end of the night as well, my legs against Alex’s head and the pillows floating in the bathroom. 

Then I had felt Al’s hand on my cheek, the last for the two weeks and a brief kiss, coz I had broken it and they had left. 

I had slept the rest of the day, sideways, spreading out every damn limb, trying to cover the emptiness. Alex had been texting me, but I wanted him to stop, I knew Miles, we had both wanted him for ourselves and frankly, I wonder if I haven’t cared. 

I cared too much.

My head was a mess and I had decided to head out, after a short lazy shower and using the tube this late had reminded me how nice it is to actually just sit and see darkness behind the windows, well, you have to ignore your broken reflection, but it had eased me. 

I had recalled just in time before I had left that I had something I could force myself to which was some small Kills concert they had been doing. It was about to start, but I’d gladly miss the opening band and I guess I just wanted to stick to someone else and frankly Alison didn’t seem too happy lately with Jamie dating Kate, so I could mumble something, but of course, lips sealed when it came to Miles. 

I’ll still feel guilty that even if the concert had been lovely I had only woken up from thoughts of Alex to the end of it, but I had still smiled at Jamie and told him it was great, but he had other things on his mind, but pointed me towards Alison’s dressing room. 

I knocked softly and she had told me to come in and I opened the door to see her drinking water, sitting on a chair, sweat dripping down on her shirt and up close post-concert she had looked...

sexy.

She had taken a hair band, nodding at me, still drinking the water and put her hair in a heavily messy bun. 

“Hey. Shit, I should’ve changed first, hair will end up untangled anyway. Fuck, oh well.” And Alison had turned around and taken off her shirt and I looked at her back, feeling a bit uneasy. 

Alex had asked me about women, because I used to have a sort of girlfriend before, but after a few years and Alex, I hadn’t felt the fire or the need of another woman. Maybe it’s because I haven’t had sex with Alex this week, the thoughts of Miles creeping in on me and Alex didn’t push it. Alex was surely having sex with Miles by now. 

Alex having sex was surely a turning on thought, but the fact that he was getting pleasure from Miles was surely something to slap me with jealousy. 

“Can you pass me the shirt over there?” Alison asks, turning around slightly, revealing her small breasts which made me feel as if I was young again and seeing a girl nude for the first time, wondering how the fuck do I touch, because frankly you’re told that the guy will do everything for you. 

“Yeah.” I say fast and give her a gray shirt with deliberate holes on the bottom, she thanks me and pulls it over to my dismay. She sits on the table.

“Missing Alex, then?” She smiles and lights a cigarette, offering me one.

“Yeah.” I say, but I can’t help myself in any way. 

-

I really missed writing from a LGBT woman's perspective if to be honest and I had a few ideas hanging around me and I finally wrote this yesterday, actually xD but yeah and like having the main character attracted to a woman and yeah, since I've been writing about men attracted to men recently and will be in the near future haha xD

I was thinking about my other fanfic You're Not Coming Back Again, like what would happen in the fanfic while Alex and Miles were in The Last Shadow Puppets and I had been wondering where would this fic be set, like post-Alex was my best idea and then I started wondering, what if she knew about Miles and Alex

And I started thinking about it, surely she'd be jealous but at the same time I caught myself thinking that well, sometimes its a mutual open relationship, but like sometimes it's plain open cheating and I thought about it for a while. Alexa would know, but she'd feel uncomfortable about it but with the whole he still loves me. I guess this fic won't be touching polyamory like Extend does, but it's more like yeah, Alex will have two relationships here.

The image of Alison's bare back nearly haunted me in a good way XD (I'm sorry I'm sleepy and I've still got to write Gandalf's Inhaler, so bare with me and forgive my sleepiness xD) how Alexa would see it and how it would simply be a sexy scene. I couldn't get it out of my head and the idea nearly slipped into another fic, but I decided that I've thought about this so much and I had the request, so I wrote it all in one go:)

and I finally realized that the title like the song have been stuck in my head xD

I hope you enjoyed it and please feel free to request :3 it might take a while for it to show up, but shouldn't be too long or poke me a lot haha XD

<3