Saturday, 19 October 2013

Gandalf's Inhaler 6

“Please, can we not?” I moan as Breana is holding my hands in hers with devilishly curious eyes and I just want to get out. She just shakes her head. 

“We can tell you about our first time or any time, really.” The offer is on the table, but I’m not interested in it.

“Breana, for fucks’s sake Matt had already told me everything even if I never wanted it and frankly, I don’t want to know and I already know every single time if I want to or not. Matt keeps me updated and frankly you too.” I wince and I feel like they’re deliberately burning me with these questions, actually they are. Breana turns to face Matt.

“He’s not talking is he?” She pouts and maybe even regrets having such an untalkative friend. I look at her fake sadness and I can see through it and I sigh.

“What the fuck do you wanna know?” I smile weakly, knowing that it’s gonna get worse if I don’t and she’ll hold a grudge against me for days. Like that time when I had first kissed a bloke as well and she’d make sure she was there when Matt and me would hang out and glare at me. It’s funny how now kissing is blurred into the background and now my first and only shag is in the spotlight. 

I’ve never really went far before, kisses were already a big thing. Funny how all of them were douches who had kissed me after saying something like, just experimenting or once we had both snapped in opposite directions as my mom had headed in and we just continued playing whatever was there on the console. Nothing was ever mentioned. 

I never even dated properly. I’ve heard people say how they had one-night stands or had sneaked into the gay club with fake ID and I’m still about to see my first one, really. I’m still 17 even if I’ll be 18 in a month, so yeah, I’ve broken too many rules, when my biggest rule breaker was asking someone older to buy cigarettes for me or knowing the places or newsagents which would sell it if I looked confident enough. Kohl seemed to do the trick.


I’ve stopped wearing it, too many comments had clung to my mind as people had been either saying “you look like a fag” or those who knew would simply call me a faggot or anything among those lines. The last time I had worn it when it happened.

After that my hands trembled too much when I’d apply it and in the end I just threw it out to buy a new stick later on and I’ve still got it.

Should I wear to Alex’s?


I don’t know.

“Was it sexy?” Breana asks, wondering herself what to ask since I’m sure she’s expecting to be less questions from her side and more from me telling. I feel myself redden. She points at my face and turns to Matt. “He enjoyed it!”

Fucking amazing observation.

“Well, of course he fucking did.” Matt smirks. I think even he’s amused. I think-

It dawns on me, that they’re still curious to listen even if it’s frankly gay sex, shouldn’t they both be disgusted by it? Thinking of it, I’ve never gotten any bad comment from Matt, the only reaction I got from Matt when I told him I liked blokes was ‘cool’ which I really wanted to hear from everyone instead of being judged or called a sinner, a disgrace or just a blank stare and then I’d get people to avoid me as if I was the plague and they had put a cross over my head, symbolizing that I am dead already. 

I wasn’t, I was fucking human and scared to be alone, holding the cross I’d been given.

“You really really wanna know?” I just get two nods and I feel relaxed, I feel anxious about telling and frankly I want to keep the graphic images to myself. I sigh and I know I won’t brush them off. Fuck, I’m too shy but being around Matt who if you ask him will map out all their sexual life and everything they’ve tried. “Um...”

Fuck me.

Exactly, fuck me.

I feel myself redden even more, having an image of Alex pinned below me and I bite my lip looking away.

“It was fucking amazing. I dunno.” I’m sure I look like a moron and I know I want to see Alex again and it’s still just afternoon. “That’s all I’l say.”

And I show them my tongue, listening to their pleas as I start choosing a change of clothes and trying to find my towel. I don’t tell them anything else even if I’m thankful... for them being like a family again. I make myself a bubble bath as they sit on the damn bathroom floor, still slipping some questions but in the end they just babble who hooked up with who.  I just pretend I’m a submarine and stick my head back into the water, feeling everything tense around me and my self float and it keeps me away from drowning, the water and death do not want me and frankly neither do I. 

“But isn’t this the first time Alex is without Alexa in the dance?” Breana suddenly exclaims.

I sit up. 

“What? Who?” I feel myself tense up. Is he dating someone else I’m not aware of? Of course it makes sense, I wouldn’t be his first choice. Of course he has a girlfriend and he’s just ‘experimenting’ like all the pretty blokes are. 

Matt rolls his eyes and Breana and she realized that she had made a mistake, but the mechanism is shown, something I had not known and I keep glancing at both of them, scared. Fuck, no, no.

“Don’t worry, Breana here decided to slip in a bit of Alex’s love life. They’ve dated last year. They’re long gone, she left him for someone else. They’re kaput. She dumped him, he was very very pissed at her. It was something freaky too, like, well, it’s just rumors but he walked in on her cheating or something or she randomly said it. I mean it, don’t worry. I looked at Turner today, he’s yours, everyone had their previous lovers who will remain forgotten, don’t worry.” Matt reassures me. I feel easier than a few seconds ago, but a past lover is a past lover which will give you the nagging in the back of your head. “They both entered this job, that’s all I know. Or well, point is it’s nearly been a year, don’t worry, Miles.”

I stick my head back into the water, noticing the bubbles go away, so I shoo the two lovebirds away as I shower, feeling sad that I’m washing off his kisses even if I know that new ones will be places upon the same and new places. 

Turner’s yours. It goes in my mind and a voice in my head nags what if he’s not. I trace his lips in my mind. I’m falling and it’s not been too long and he’s mine in my head. I’m already buying stuff with him. He’s mine for now, for this split second and moment when I can feel his lips upon mine even if it’s a neon memory. 

I walk out, putting my shirt on and I feel some piercing silence take over the room and thoughts ticking.

“You’ve still got that one scar, then?” Matt asks, maybe this is the day of the regrets. I stop in my tracks. I put my hand to it, feeling the roughness before I just pull my shirt down. “They haven’t replied have they?” 

I shake my head, hugging myself and I know that Matt would ask.

“Even if you write to them again, they’ll still ignore.” His words sting and I know how truthful it is and shocking.

Frankly if anyone would have told me, I would never believe it.

I’m surprised Alex hadn’t asked me about it.

Breana just walks up and hugs me. I stroke her hair, biting my bottom lip, it’s funny how when you’re depressed enough the thoughts of attraction to someone else feel so distant. It feels like you’re in a tunnel where no happiness can be reached. Love is actually not enough and it aches.

“This is a biology class where we talk about how humanity will and should work according to nature, not some fucking social science where homosexuality is open to discussion.” Would be the worst thing I’ve ever heard in my life, I’m not even sure which one would sting more, the words or the actual beating.

Or the fact that it had been brushed up under the rug, never to even get a motherfucking e-mail. 


“Do you want the teacher to lose the job and never feed their family? You do realize that you’re little incident will result in a starving family!” 

Or when he had taken me by the collar-

And hurled me.


That another student had seen it

And denied seeing anything.

I wonder how much had they tilted the events that maybe I am the culprit in the college history, that maybe I had been the aggressive one

with “flaunting my sexuality”

“In my eyes no one will ever love you.” 

“I hate gay men because they’re so feminine.”

“Just because you’re not feminine doesn’t mean that all the other gays aren’t. You just don’t know enough. I do.”

And the fucking punch to the face.

The fact that the he had locked me in the room and left.

It had been surreal, fucking screaming to be let out and the student walking away to talk to the teacher.

It’s a bizarre feeling being hated for being gay.

It feels so nonsense.

Walking out, no one had asked anything, I was asked to replace the key.

Matt had even screwed school and we both had complained. To my parents it was a pub fight and it had spread as a pub fight, even if I never even had fake ID.

And then he had failed me.

I had failed biology and all the other subjects.

I had started hearing people call me faggot.

I never got into a university and Matt offered getting into his college. 

The conclusion?


I had tripped and the pub fight.

Why was I locked in the classroom?

I pissed off the teacher.

Fair enough.

I was a faggot, after all.

And I still feel guilty.

I feel guilty for stepping up, I feel guilty for not contacting LGBT groups, I feel guilty if I contact them now. 

I’m the culprit, because I’m gay

I still think so

Because in the face of the authorities I wasn’t worthy of even having a proper investigation or a proper reply.

I never got my results on paper.

Hey, how fucked is that?

It’s all cause I’m gay and I still feel guilty thinking it, because that’s what I’m told.

And who are you, an individual against society?

Exactly no one, if people cared a bit more,I’d be stoned.

And I feel guilty for thinking that.

Unfriending people also seemed bizarre coz I thought we had gotten along-

“All will be good. Think of Alex, mate.” I hear Matt say as Im still hugging Breana. 

Breana and Matt head out and I stay in, talk to the RA say how awful my vomitting was, answered a bunch of questions and I had another condom thrown in my face, who was Matt telling me that they had done it, where was not in my interest to ask.

They had bought some booze and it was shared in a circle with the smoke detector turned off again and we had smoked some cigarettes, the window wide open and I had started counting hours a long while ago. I start getting anxious and Breana watches me choosing clothes as soon enough Cookie and his girlfriend even get in, everyone smells booze. It’s starting to get to late, but Matt whispers in my ear telling me that the RAs are still awake and it would be easier for me to slip when people are drunk and a lot will confirm that I was here. 

People start coming in and RAs peek in, so we hide the booze. It’s technically not a party as there’s less than ten people, but people observe my posters and Matt’s photos. 

Someone offers to play strip poker and Matt and Breana refuse, I’m sure they’re bored from playing it with each other or rather now it would be boring. 

We decide on truth or dare and someone else passes a flask. I don’t drink too much, wanting to keep sober, so I pretend to take a sip when the flask is in my hands. I drink when I feel anxious and thinking of Alex, but other that I can see what’s in front of me and the adrenaline and anxiety keeping me sober. 

I wonder if I can sneak out every single night and I honestly don’t know. 

A question is passed around by Katie when truth is chosen by someone who I hadn’t known until tonight and is passed in a circle. Katie and Jamie don’t know and I don’t think they will. I don’t know what would happen if people would suddenly find out. I take a sip, taking the thought away.

The question passed around is which teacher do you find hot.

Some girl from my class says Mr. Turner, but says she’s too shy to talk to him.

I can’t help but smirk, but I cover my mouth, maybe the booze getting to me and I wonder why don’t some people have the courage. But then he had made the move. Maybe it’s just me feeling braver because I had knocked on his door or I was about to commit the crime again. 

Matt and Breana say that Ezra is good looking, but someone else who I don’t know is hotter. I mean Ezra is good looking, but hey, I was chosen instead of Ezra.

People are nearly passed out and it’s way past midnight and that’s when we start kicking out people. Matt still sober, but his movements wonky. 

“Go, mate.” And he pushes me out the door as well. I had chosen a suit, because frankly I like suits. I feel bizarre knowing that most likely I will have sex and I step out, feeling well... dazed. 

I hear people, but I’m sure the RAs are asleep or having parties of their own. I head out of the campus, quickly smoking a cigarette, getting only half to it, but preferring another drug to nicotine and I go to Alex’s campus, letting the cigarette by itself, betrayed. 

I see Ezra, who is walking out for a smoke and I feel weird, I don’t think he knows me, but I know what he’s lost. He looks at me confused, but walks out and I notice his bizarre jeans jacket with Babar on it. I didn’t even remember that the elephant had a name. I stop a corridor away, straightening my fringe with my fingers, seeing how I’m slightly shaking and tempted to be with him again.

I get to his corridor and I start knocking, softly, scared to say a word and soon enough he opens.

I can’t feel anything as I walk in and he closes the door and we stare at each other for a while. I can’t move

And I don’t feel anything until his lips touch my own and I think I have managed to move, attracted to him. We hold our lips together before we start making out and I pull him closer. It’s weird

It’s lovely


We pull away and Alex heads towards the kitchen as I follow him and I blink at the choice of a bizarre red sweater, but I don’t mind, it’s going to be off soon anyway. 

I sit down and I actually notice a radio on and I hear a familiar dreadful song. Maybe it’s the face I made. 

“I really don’t like his voice, I see that people are really into him, but he’s awful-” Matt even used to have a poster of him and he and Breana even went to a concert of the artist. I was suggested to tag along, but I’d rather sit in misery than listen to something I surely do not enjoy. 

“I knew him actually, Nick’s a nice chap.” Fuck. Bummer. Fuck. No wonder, he’s listening to a friend.

“Oh, fuck, sorry.”

“Naw, feel free to hate him, he’s my ex. Stupid and daft name for a solo artist, The Arctic Monkey. He came up with it on a date of ours and I was like are you deaf or something? Who the fuck would listen to The Arctic Monkey?” Alex laughs. “We didn’t date too long, but he’s still a good musician.”

An ex? Is this the day of the exes? I recall Alexa, but instead I start playing with the button on my suit. I don’t have any exes to tell pretty much, while Alex seems to have at least two I’m aware of-


He dated Alexa.

Does that mean he’s bisexual?

Or pan?

Questioning- Well, he dated Nick.


Am I the daft one with just having a bloke preference? 

Alex notices my fiddling.

“Um. Is it about Nick?” He asks me and sits besides me pulling a chair. He starts playing with my hair. 

I don’t think we can keep our hands to ourselves.

Alex kisses my cheek. 

I feel myself blush as Alex grins and kisses me again, licking my bottom lip and we french. 

I feel guilty. Should I tell him I know or not? He pulls back and I feel like I’ve been thrown cold water on me. 

“Are you okay?” Alex asks me a bit concerned. A bunch of images flash in my mind.

Fuck, don’t leave me now.

How do you even talk of exes who you are jealous of without knowing them and there’s also Ezra-

What if he walked out of Alex’s room?

Alex looks concerned with my silence and I pull away when he tries to kiss me.

Fuck, get some courage damn it.

“I... I’m sorry. I never properly dated anyone and uh... Matt told me and yeah, um, there’s also Nick and fuck.” I press my head against his shoulder as he smirks playing with my hair. 

“Matt told you what?” Alex asks and raises my head, cupping my face.

“Alexa.” We both freeze in a poetic scene. 


It's funny how a lot of things which I had been thinking about the story had been used in this chapter. There's a lot so I will go by how the story progresses :3

Well, Matt and Breana just had to poke him a bit more XD

Ok, the Kohl bit, I had recalled that Miles was saying how he had used Kohl and regretted it if I recall correctly and then the image of a young Miles with Kohl seemed fitting for when he was studying in the other college. And then I had started thinking about the homophobia he had faced. 

That was one which was well... emotionally hard to get into, opening what I've heard myself, there's even a line which had been said to myself there, which I still find fucking shocking. It's fucking shocking and yes, people want to sweep them under the rug. Homophobia is illegal, but this happens and well, it's just well, no one frankly cares and it hurts, it's shocking. The physical abuse was altered but from a real story I had heard and what shocked me was that it couldn't be reported. 

And it is an important and hurting backstory. This story well, it's more about how it still gets better even if the homophobia, racism or any discrimination you have faced does not get the proper judgement. It's ok to move on, because it's hard when the case becomes cold and you're left in limbo. And frankly they honestly don't care what the fuck has happened with you. All they care is about the crisp nice reputation even if it's stained everywhere. 

Ok, I missed out Alexa XD Alexa's and Alex relationship and more about it will be told later and the chapter in general ends on such note, so I'm presuming more will be explained in the next chapter. 

Ezra will come back, don't worry, I'm remaining quiet. Fuck, there's a lot to come xD

Ok, The Arctic Monkey came to my mind yesterday and I think me and my partner have been laughing for the whole day about it. I was struggling that I had used everyone, but Nick was left out and I felt bad, so now he's... in the spotlight? XD I also figured that I have a lot of straight characters, which is odd, because usually everyone is LGBT in my stories, so the idea of Nick being Alex's ex also sprung to mind. But yeah, it's funny at least I find it funny. I'm lame, I know XD So The Arctic Monkey is like... massive in this AU. XD And he's a solo artist, coz I kind of stole everyone else XD

I realized how much I had grown to love Miles in this story and yeah, I love this story shamelessly XD and I do think about it a lot, even about minor things like The Arctic Monkey xD Also just adding now, after I've posted the chapter. I love Nick's voice, Miles disliking it is added for the gag:3

I hope you enjoyed it as much as I had and please do feel free to request the next chapter:3

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