Tuesday, 8 October 2013

She drains the sun.6

I think the only way I’d break up with Karen would be if she would be in a bathtub in a forest under the night sky, with the stars so thick that we’d have to count them first

and I’d break up with her there, because I couldn’t

Because I’ve been thinking too much of loving her, with her eyes

I’ve been shooing off the l word, not lesbian, but love, too much and waking up it dawns on me and makes me itch, breaking me in pieces, making me yell in that forest before I dive in that bathtub, searching for comfort in her touch.

I love you.

I wouldn’t. The stars would be on our faces and she would lick the ones off near her lips before immersing me in the water with her.

I love her too much.

I walk slowly to school and out, having her instead of all the teachers and love bursting my ears open once I leave, seeing her sell ice cream.

I don’t want this to end, but I’m scared to ask her if we are together as we both walk on George IV bridge and she looks down, lighting a cigarette and dropping it after a few drags, watching the non existent cars and I can’t help but stare at her.

How the fuck am I doing this?

It’s one thing grabbing a girl, but another thing is Karen and I had refused a girl today, knowing that my lips will never touch anyone else. It feels as if I’ve been stripped and I’m a nervous virgin again, scared of showing my parts, covering my breasts with my hands and trembling, wondering if I’m ugly.

She makes me feel all of this again and I’m a blank slate.

We walk on to the park, hand in hand and Karen squeezing the new cigarette pack as I stare at her purple flats.

“Haha. Y’know what I find funny?” Karen says out loud finally, even raising the voice, maybe on purpose to make the young couple with a newborn baby hear her. “That whenever you see  teenagers with a baby you can see that they had unprotected sex. Someone thought they could do a pull out or was like ‘oh, baby, fuck it, you won’t get pregnant.”

Karen lights a cigarette, looking at the woman, looking at her up and down, maybe thinking how she would fuck her better and would make her squirt, something straight women surely do not experience.

Karen falls down on the grass in her daisy dress, the daisies tickling the fabric, as she herself looks like nature and grass. Homosexuality is real just like Karen.

“Fuckers.” And she laughs. She pulls me by the plain black shirt and slides a hand up my breasts, under my bra, her legs around my waist. Karen’s tongue is in my mouth, pulling me closer and I wonder if she still thinks about the virgin woman, never orgasming properly, just fucked by a man and I feel jealous, as if all of a sudden I am a gray dot and Karen is bright, nothing seems so bleak as me fucking all those schoolgirls while being closeted and actually acting like a massive womanizer and I am nothing compared to Karen who has been to pride, seen the chaos and the man with the one sign, people bringing goats and all the stalls, while wearing a condom dress. Karen had mentioned it back when we were at the police, her hands itchy to hold a cigarette.

I push her away slightly, breathless, even if I have had sex in public places, I don’t like too open ones and Karen just shrugs, lighting a cigarette and closing her eyes. I watch her smoke it as she doesn’t even raise an eyelid.

The words are stuck in my throat and they are going to murder me.

I can’t.

I lean to kiss her softly and she kisses me back in surprise, watching me hesitate as I lower myself, intertwining my fingers with hers.

I don’t think she

“Alison?” She asks, maybe I look too pale, maybe I’m about to faint.

I can’t

I shouldn’t



“Can we go somewhere?”

“Yeah.” And she stands up instantly and grabs me by the hand, asking me too many questions and I feel as if I’m about to puke, I randomly start coughing and it makes everything worse. Karen runs quickly into a store to buy bottled water and she opens the lid with pouring it entirely on my head as I start shivering.

“I love you.” My lips are trembling and the water is ice cold. My vision feels drifting

My life is drifting

with her lips on my own

and I’m sure I’m collapsing

I’m just not sure in which direction I’m heading


The middle of it with Karen ranting about teenage pregnancy was actually written a long while ago, I opened the file and I was like ok, I've written something XD and today I dreamt about the bathtub and the forest. I was also thinking about how would Alison confess to Karen and the whole idea came along and yeah

I pretty much love Karen here as I've said it before and the story in general, even if Karen is well... peculiar some of the time.

I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did and please do feel free to request :3


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