I look at him and he looks back finally, he seems anxious at his own decision yet at ease, but he’s caged which is weird, because the door is open and I’m greeted at the entrance if I walk in.
Oh my God, this had been so hard to write, the beginning at least. I had caught Alex's anxiety which was left in the last chapter and I had shifted ideas before writing this chapter and etc etc
Alex pulls me closer to him, kissing me and holding it before taking one last drag of the cigarette. He looks at the end of the cigarette and holds up his hand finding the ashtray in the kitchen and stubbing the life out of the cigarette.
He comes back and now it’s weird feeling exposed, both of us and I’m scared even if the feelings are out on the table, that he doesn’t want me or hasn’t accepted me as his lord and savior.
Funny, I still manage to take the piss as I sit shirtless and so is Alex as he approaches me and kisses me again.
“It’s funny, you’re right. It had clicked off that night, which is funny, coz I saw you and I was like, yep, that’s the Gandalf.” He loosens up, looks away but eventually shifts his gaze to me entirely and I don’t think either of us are too far off, just that... I had really thought about it before, even if I had avoided the word love, but it’s still in the air and I kiss him.
We start kissing and it feels more tender as his hands go around my body, tracing my neck with his fingertips, watching every reaction and moan as his dark eyes are fixed on me with a pleased grin.
He slides his hand down and I close my eyes in pleasure.
I pull him to kiss him. I still see he’s worried.
“I’m telling you, it’s fine. Funny, that I’m the one reassuring you.” I say, taking the piss and I kiss him again. Since usually I’m the anxious one. “You wanted to apologize for kissing me as well, back then.”
Alex sighs and hugs me, burying himself in my shoulder.
It’s funny how vulnerable he feels and how he entirely eases in my touch and I don’t feel like I’m the one being pinned down. I play with his hair and I wonder if he’s falling asleep, but he gets his arm from under me, but it could also be in sleep.
I kiss his hair, raising myself lightly to see his back and his jeans and dark green socks. I feel his anxiety and I wonder if he’s trying to fall asleep while holding me and when I try to shift away to grab the box of cigarettes on the floor, he holds me tighter. Alex opens his eyes.
“When I get too anxious, I try and sleep, hoping that I wake without it.” I shrug and make a quick grab for the box of cigarettes, anxiety also starting to dig into me. Without knowing we’re both tied by the same ribbon and neither of us wants to rip it, so we are stuck with each other and maybe it’s after the confession when you start thinking that well, you’re surely dating in some sense of the word no matter in which form both decided to take, it’s there and the feelings are acknowledged.
“I went after Ezra for this whole time and the damn wanker just said that he can’t afford to be in a gay relationship. I’m sorry, I guess this is like a sudden poisoning and you don’t know where did it come from.” We both sit up. “Maybe you want to eat, love?”
“Sure.” I see he’s got more to tell and frankly I don’t want us to have anxious sex. Alex stands up and we both head to the kitchen. “Only if you remain shirtless.”
Alex flips at me and starts taking out glasses.
“I’m just anxious, coz well, when something happened between me and Ezra, he was all no homo, not doing this. Fuck off, but we’re still best friends, right? I’m not even joking.” Alex keeps on ranting and takes a bloody lasagna out of the oven. All I can do is boil stuff and thankfully if I don’t forget about it even with a timer. If anything has ever been cooked this past month it had been by Matt or Breana. I’d just watch amused how they have the patience to do something as boring and monotone as cooking. I’d rather cut on booze entirely and not eat healthy, because well, not only I’d die of boredom doing something eatable but I’d poison myself. When I was a kid I had decided to make cookies for my mom, in the end we all got food poisoning and I decided the kitchen is a place I should really stay away from.
Alex notices my surprised look.
“I was thinking to do take away, but then I figured why not and I haven’t cooked something actually exciting. So why not? You cook?” He asks me and I realize that he had made the table without me and I curse at myself silently and Alex smiles at me.
“I hope it’s not too hot. Y’know.” He smirks. I just wait for a bit and it is pretty hot. I guess he should’ve taken it out earlier, so we just take a sip of beer each, before Alex continues where he had left of. “Well, it was kind of different, it wasn’t like I wasn’t aware that I’m attracted to men, it was kind of my first big ‘gay’ attraction since Nick. I pretty much kind of sulked and other men didn’t catch my eye and there’s Ezra with his fucking Babar jacket and teddy bear sweaters.”
I see Alex smile, recalling Ezra’s outfits and I ping of jealousy hits me and I start cutting the lasagna and end up taking it too soon. I yelp and quickly chug down half the beer, soothing my tongue. Alex watches this amused and I’m happy that I had yanked him away from the thoughts of another bloke, but frankly, Alexa, Ezra, Nick, they’re all the same and threatening to me.
“Anyway... he had actually approached me today before you came, actually. He asked me why hadn’t I- I guess I should explain. Basically, the idea was that it was Ezra who I was supposed to swipe off his feet.
So I know he’ll shoo me off, but I was too drunk and I had decided to go for it. And then Ezra, who I thought you were, is actually going with me, which the Ezra wouldn’t do.
And-” Alex stops a bit and dazes off, recalling.
“Dunno, I see that it’s you and frankly, I freak the fuck out. I mean, you’re my student and well, I had known that you were a bright lad and had a homophobic incident. I had seen you hang out with Matt, who Ezra kept nagging as the student who always falls asleep or ends up making out with his girlfriend. Sure, you were good looking and I felt bad for you, seeing that you have to retake it.” He opens the pandora box and quickly shuts it, forgetting and I know that the key is with him and frankly I know he’s either throwing it out or had done it before. “So then I see you and well, it’s funny, it was different seeing you under a different light and we had kissed. I guess, yeah...”
Even if we’ve said it, it’s still hard to say and I smirk.
“Aw, fuck off, I’m not used to it yet.” And he nudges me and I noticed how he pronounces fuck, I think for a while on his accent. Well, if I recall correctly The Arctic Monkey is from Yorkshire, so I’m guessing, they’re from the same city. And makes sense as well, I get. But then me and Matt have different accents, Matt moving in his early teens. It’s funny how we hadn’t been too close and he had asked me if I had a crush on this guy in my class. It’s funny how he had noticed before I had registered himself and he had said he had a gay aunt and well, he never understood why she couldn’t marry her girlfriend and he found me cool. But yeah, it would take me years to openly realize that I’m gay even if Matt was supportive and I had met the aunt. And Matt had even called the guy over, who also had rumors circulating around him.
My first use of kohl was also done with that bloke as we had done it once, taking it from his sister and that was also the first time I had locked lips with anyone. But he had brushed it off and I was too nervous to pursue it. But Alex breaks the thin layer of memories soon enough, as I recall my quick musings on his accent.
“Are you from Yorkshire then?” I ask him, taking some on my fork and blowing at it. Alex nods, getting more beer from the fridge. “Which city?”
“Sheffield. You? You got quite a colourful accent.” He smirks, hesitates for a while and moves the chair closer to me and I laugh lightly as he puts his arm around me and I lean against his shoulder, feeling his skin and I recall how we’re both shirtless and I’m thankful for good heating. Once, Matt had turned it off while drunk and we had all woken up freezing and with colds the next morning.
“Um, I grew up in the Wirral.” I say, realizing that my accent is indeed a bit too strong, but I could never fake anything else, so I just stuck with it ever since I’ve moved to college, both times, mind you. It’s cooled down enough and we start eating, as I straighten up but I want to be in Alex’s lap. I curse myself, but let’s get rid of this once and for all. “So what about Ezra?”
“Um. Well, we kind of became close even when I was with Alexa, that’s the thing. Like he was there with me for the break up and then I guess, things got out of hand. He had heard that I was pansexual from someone else and asked me why hadn’t I told him and I said, well, I don’t go introducing myself as Alex, the pansexual, so that was about it.” I see that he feels me uncomfortable.
“Did you guys ever shag though?” I eat slower and I’m even poking my food with my fork, as I ask it.
“No. We’ve kissed maybe twice in total, like seriously.” Alex says.
“I’ve kissed maybe around four blokes, but never dated. Sorry, before you I was really on the kissing scale. Nothing else besides that ever happened, well, yeah. Sorry, if I’m a late bloomer.” I smirk.
“It took me a while too, don’t worry and I am older than you are. I’ve never actually dated anyone with a big age gap, well, Alexa was older, but other than that, not really. I guess neither have you.” We keep eating. I try to finnish faster as I really want to wrap my arms around him, but as soon as I’m done, Alex exclaims that he has ice cream as well and I wince.
“I just... want you.” Alex raises his eyebrows suggestively. I sigh, reddening a bit. “Like I want to hug you and hold you, you daft twat.”
To which he pulls me on his lap and I blink turned on and we stare at each other for a while, before Al closes his eyes and I savor the moment, as he leans closer and we kiss again. It doesn’t take long before we start making out and Alex slides his hand down the front of my jeans.
“See? You gave in first.” I smirk and kiss his cheek, kissing it lower and biting his neck.
“Says you with the erection.” Alex laughs before I bite him harder, causing him to moan and stroke me through my underwear.
“Shut up.” I smirk and moan as he undoes my jeans with his other hand and takes my cock out.
“How about fucking no?” Alex smirks.
“Foking?” I can’t help but mock his accent and I kiss him, before he tells me something in reply or taking a piss of my accent again. Alex pulls me up and I wrap myself around him tighter as he carries me to the bed, nudging the door open and I see what I’ve seen before with the scattered photos and I even see some weird photo of him and Nick, but it looks like it’s been taken recently and even has his signature. I guess he had seen him live, but it looks like if there ever had been any attraction it’s long gone and Alex has longer hair in the photo which causes me to glance back at him and wonder how long has it been since he’s cut it. But as soon as I’m on the bed and I get the covers from below me and he’s on top of me, I frankly forget
It’s funny to think that this is my Alex
“I love you.” I say into the kiss, as Alex proceeds removing my underwear and pants.
“Same.” Alex breaths and it feels like fuel and I flip him over onto his back and take off his own jeans, placing a kiss on his chest as I start making my way down, remembering that all the experience of giving blow jobs was from Alex teasing me last night and well, porn and whatever any writer had tried to describe. Erotica just seemed awful and gagging and in Naked Lunch I had no fucking idea when they were really fucking or it was just Burroughs being stoned and metaphorically describing something else.
I remember how I had been happy that he stopped describing awful sex scenes then there were greek naked men masturbating or something. Funny, when you’re trying to be straight.
Haha, I’m so straight.
I find the thought ironic as I kiss his cock before taking it in my mouth and Alex is ruffling my hair, before I take more in and he holds from thrusting and it just turns me on more, knowing that he’s getting pleasure. I keep sucking and I try to hold myself from touching myself and it’s getting torturous. I start licking his shaft as I take him out of my mouth and I stroke his thighs with my hands. He’s breathing heavily.
Alex tries to pull me away, I guess for us... to do something else as well, but he starts shaking lightly and biting his lips too hard as I start sucking him again and I feel him near and his moans give it out as well.
“Fuck...I’m coming. Fuck, just... keep doin-” And he cums, bucking his hips forward and I feel him come in my mouth.
It tastes ok. Tastes like milk, bizarrely.
I watch Alex as he still breaths heavily, clutching the bedsheets and I notice sweat down his throat.
“D-don’t sw-” I swallow.
“What?” I say before the taste hits me and my mouth goes instantly dry.
I am so thankful that this is a story not only loved by me, but by many and I started getting nervous what if I shouldn't have made Alex anxious etc etc etc XD
Ezra's slowly appearing into the scene. I know I've been talking how Ezra will show up and yeah. Ezra's still going to and he's got a lot of... um, happenings? XD
And Miles just like a bunch of my characters does not have any cooking skills, just like I do. I suck at cooking openly and I seem to eagerly make main characters confused with it as well. Like I'm really like Miles if someone shows up with like a lasagna or anything, even boiled rice, I'm awful and the cookie incident was my final proper attempt and they were awful and I had a bad stomach ache.
And all was ended with Miles swallowing.
I hope you enjoyed it and I know what's going to happen in the next chapters, it was just this one where Alex himself is scared and yeah, it's the chapter after the big confession :3
I hope you enjoyed it and feel free to request :3