Tuesday, 29 October 2013

Gandalf's Inhaler 11

I feel depressed as Matt and Breana sit there doing Economics and I watch how the trees change, they had been a burnt colour something I’d never seem before, never bothered to look before and everything looks like candy and I still wonder if I’m good enough

Not even for Alex, but for myself. I feel as if everything is my fault even when I recall school, I’ve never had a passion for maths and even if I’d try hard and I’d spent hours trying to figure out everything until I could stop taking it, I got called stupid by a teacher. 

When I look back I wonder if it’s my fault, what if I’m the daft one and I tell myself that one person couldn’t be bullied so much and then there had been my sexuality and lack of interest in girls up to the point that my mother had asked me why couldn’t I just be with a girl to make everyone else lay off her, that she just like any mother could giggle with other mother’s as their sons pecked their girlfriend’s cheeks in public and the whole myth of sex was gagging. One thing was whispered by the adults, one thing was whispered by the peers.

I glance at Matt and Breana and I keep my silence, feeling bizarre, I haven’t gone out to the town much yet and I wondered how was Alex now. I glanced around, we were alone in the wagon and I had the urge to call him, but just because I was safe, he wouldn’t be.

I took out my phone and with Matt watching me closely and making a nod of approval with a serious face I texted Alex, telling him that I’m in the train and we can meet whenever he can. 

I close my eyes waiting for a reply and I recall the fox I had dreamt of, I have some bizarre dreams and they still hunt you even when you’re life settles for a bit. I still have the fear of not getting anywhere at the back of my tongue. It stings and I feel like it might not matter what I’m doing now, because I feel like I won’t go anywhere. 

I wonder what foxes mean and it’s usually deception. 

I pull up the collar up in my coat for no reason and press my lips against the woolen fabric. I want to see him again, I wonder what he’ll be wearing as I haven’t seen him in his autumn/winter coat. I wonder how it will be and I turn to the window, seeing my own curious reflection and soon enough he texts me back and I see myself hugging him tight, which I’m not sure I’ll be able to do, but I still imagine us 

Alex tells me 2 in the afternoon, which wouldn’t be too far away and I’d still have to be dragged around by Breana and Matt who are busy entertaining themselves with making out as I stare at Alex’s text. When they stand up and wave at me, leaving their bags, I just hope they have a condom, which makes me flush recalling today’s conversation. Maybe I should ask him but then


How do you ask such things?

Do I just text it?


I close my eyes, knowing that a long ride is ahead, about an hour left and Matt and Breana are entertaining themselves. 

I press my head against the window, missing him

It’s funny how immersed I feel in this feeling and how I’ve even forgotten how it feels like to be above water, because I don’t need to breathe anymore, I’ve realized I don’t need the lack anymore

I want to see how he looks on a Sunday stroll

Just because I’m used to seeing him in a lab coat and sometimes gloves whenever we’re checking which colour should the solution have if it has starch and the goggles.

The whole time until I saw him was without hesitation spent imagining how I’d kiss him when I see him, which would daze me off and lull me in the semi-sleep state I was when Matt and Breana slipped in.

Is it ok to make out a bit?

With Al’s hands on my back, his lips on mine, shit

I get too distracted and Matt waves a hand in front of me and mutters something

Shit, I really wanna see him.

I really really want to see him.

Is a peck ok?

We all head out and I’m surprised to see so many people as I’ve been to the town once and to get some more school supplies on the first week, it’s like turning on the light in the dark. I still have the hope to see him in the sea of these people and it’s the second closest city, so the first one is always chosen for a fast location, but on my first weekend I had wanted to get away for some reason, regretting it even if Matt and Breana had tried to cheer me up.

I guess why I still stuck to Matt is that he never had dumb assumptions about females which everyone else in class had, sure he had started dating Breana soon but he never thought that the whole point of it was to get in her pants or he’d compare her to a fridge magnet. So I had been the single friend besides all the blokes which would come to my mind and go away, let’s say being gay wasn’t something you wanted to be. It’s funny how some had picked up on it, asking why don’t I become the bisexual in class for a viariety which had pissed me off

and I wondered why people had always thought I was gay

Looking back at old photos, my sexuality seems in the face to me, but that’s to me and it’s not like I wore Stonewall shirts back then. I had bought a Stonewall shirt for college, thinking that it’s it, I’ll be out and all will be lovely and hey, look what happened.

I’ve still go them but if I wore them was under sweaters and I wonder sometimes should I even go around wearing shirts which such statements when even without them I get beaten up?

Matt and Breana drag me to different stores and I just wonder around, Breana mostly spending all the time before I meet Alex in Topshop with Matt convincing her to go for tighter stuff and me watching them mock each other and I’m all in my own thoughts, wondering what would I tell Alex, would he listen about different things about me like that time Matt got ill and my mom insisted on still allowing him to spend the night with us and she took care of him. I guess when it came to parents both mine and Matt’s had seen each other as close friends. I knew Breana’s but not much.

But I don’t think any of them knew that I was gay and I was happy that no rumor would go on. I guess that’s the benefit of not being out, you have a chance of not getting bullied if you cover it well enough from your parents and friends. 

I wonder, well Al seems to be out, so I wonder how he had come to term with it, but I think Nick was his first boyfriend. But then if Nick was out, I should really ask him later on.

Matt gets kicked out of the dressing room, some policy which makes us both grunt and I watch him for a while, wondering how come he hadn’t grown bored of me sulking all these years and actually bother to cook for me, for now at least. I should really try, because in the other college I’d just buy ready to eat or sometimes cooked something too simple and regretted it.

“Hey, how did the daft monkey come out?” I ask him, fiddling with my phone and Matt smirks.

“Jealousy?” He asks me. We watch a couple of girls giggle out and both of us look at each other uninterested for different reasons, which I guess resulted them in some dismay, after all we aren’t interested in their skinny figures.

“Fuck no. I’m just... curious.” I shrug.

“Well, he doesn’t talk about his personal life and frankly I never knew he dated, well...” Matt stops for a while and realizes that we are on neutral territory. “Alex, so he just said his parents were accepting coz he knew he was gay at an early age, so I’m guessing that’s it. Well, I know he doesn’t have any struggles now, so yeah. Sorry, man, you’re better off asking your boyfriend.”

I kick him softly.

Would Alex be my boyfriend?

I guess.

I flush which causes Matt to pull my cheek before I snap it away.

“I’m really happy for you, Miles.” Matt smiles at me. “You’re fucking glowing with post-sex all the time. I’m happy for all the sex you’re getting.”

That gets him another well deserved kick and Breana walks out with all the clothing she’s chosen and we had to watch her do a catwalk of about thirty different outfits and different sizes, colours and patterns. 

We spend the rest of the day just walking around and there were barely any highlights really besides a few moments, such as Matt suggesting me to get a fake ID since I’m 17 and only 18 on March and they flash me fake ID cards with literally their names swapped Matt being Brian for some reason and Breana being Matilda. I just reply with a what they fuck to which they say that McLovin would be too suspicious.

Breana and Matt would absorb into PDA and I’d just stand there texting Alex about it, when I realized I just texted out of missing him and I guess, just sharing whatever was happening which developed into a conversation of him saying how his mother decided to decorate the house already, so he’s spending his day putting up the Christmas tree and all the bizarre lit reindeers outside and that he’ll take photos to show me.

Breana peeks in to see my text, but it’s nothing explicit so I show them to get out a complaint that we should start sexting (to which I said he’s at his parents) and they see no reason why I shouldn’t.

In the end the time approaches and Alex gives me a location to meet him. I get directions both from Matt and Breana and my own map app, frankly. They leave me halfway, after I insist that there won’t be a lot of PDA to spy on, which I really don’t know and I don’t want him to feel uncomfortable and this is our first time out. I walk the streets of the old town, wandering for a bit and peeking through windows before I see Alex sitting on a bench and he turns around, frankly it is pretty quiet, I guess it being Sunday and I remember how I had thought of this moment and we both stand up and we fall in each other’s arms.

I close my eyes for a while, feeling his arms around me and I glance up seeing him smile and I resist to kiss him as I feel his fingers in my hair.

“Hey.” Alex says and I feel myself melt and I hug him tighter. I’m thankful that there is no Matt or Breana to snicker. I feel like I’ve missed him my entire life. I don’t know how explain it when I don’t hold and I press a kiss against his lips and we pull back, Alex hesitating for a bit before pulling me back and we start making out. Frankly the only people here are the people who live here and I’m sure they are lazily enjoying their Sunday specifically if they could afford houses in the old town. I hear some footsteps and we both pull away.

Alex fixes his collar and I just stick my hands in my pocket and we make a fair distance and even both glance away, until we realize that it might be too cautious and we laugh lightly. We agree on not holding hands just in case, but we still steal a few kisses before we start walking around the old town. 

“Hey, um, if you don’t mind me asking, how did you come out?” I ask Alex the question which has been lingering in my mind all day today and I ask him that as he tries some bizarre tourist hat from a barrel full of them and I smirk, pointing him the direction of the window. 

“No, I don’t. It wasn’t too much of a big deal, I thought I was gay for a while, though. Everyone knew Nick was gay and well, we hung out a lot and actually my parents thought we were dating and they just confronted me and asked why don’t I take him home more. To which I was like... well, coz I have other friends as well? And they told me cheating ain’t good.” Alex smirks, recalling the memory. “And then they didn’t even let me finish, they told me how lovely of a chap Nick is, that we’ve been friends, he’s talented, even if they’re scared that he won’t make it out of his music, he’d still be lovely for me.”

I can’t help but laugh at the story and get a bit jealous because all I get is when the hell will I bring a lovely girlfriend home and to cook me homemade meals to which once I took a bit too much sarcasm saying that I’ve got Matt and Breana for that and then I had to say that I’d never be the third in such a situation, leaving me anxious how would they react knowing that I’m fully homosexual and now in a relationship with an older man. Surely, not something they’d approve of, well, I think

that’s the thing, sometimes I think they’re accepting, sometime I think they’re not

and that’s why the closet is from my parents when I walk through their door. 

“So then I started thinking well, Nick and me are pretty much together all the time and I really liked him and I really wouldn’t mind...” He stops choosing the right words. “Well, at the time falling in love, but looking back, well, love is just for that one person, of course unless you are polyamorous, but yeah, I think I’m monogamous, at least as much as I’m aware of. So yeah. Then Nick had confessed and I just felt that I like him too much and I was attracted to him and I’ve been, so we started dating. Of course we’ve been called fags and people judged us, but never our families. That’s why Alexa was a first, I never had any judgmental family in any of my relationships, well, I think Ezra’s are conservative, but we’ve never dated, so yeah.”

He shrugs and I look away and Alex catches my gaze and puts his hand at the back of my neck, stroking it, causing me shivers.

“I’m not out to my parents.” I say pretty low that I’m surprised that he had said it. He plays with my hair a bit more and smiles contagiously which makes my own mood raise a bit as well. 

“It’s fine. Some parents are accepting, some aren’t, you should do what’s best for you. I’ve heard too many stories where people come out and their parents kick them out. You should really do that if you’re aware that they are accepting, well, that what I think and you... you’ve had enough to deal with, love.” He swallows and strokes my cheek. 

“It’s ok. Don’t worry, I didn’t tell my parents either about us. It’s still something hard to chew on for someone on the outside for some odd reason, society cares about too many weird things instead on celebrating that two people love each other, when sometimes it feels like there’s barely any love around.” He shrugs and sees the sad note he ended it on. “But that doesn’t mean... neither of us can light the world for each other. Shit, that sounded awful, didn’t it?”


I haven't updated this in... four days XD that's odd because I kept writing it in small chunks, so I was still thinking about teh story and stuff xD

No Ezra yet D:

I think pinpointing different parts would be me spoiling, so I think everything speaks for itself XD 

I was going to end it when they meet up, but then I realized that I want to write a bit more xD

Anyway, I'm posting this XD

I hope you enjoyed it and feel free to request :3


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