And we’re left alone which is somehow awkward at first and Alex just increases his grip on me and I just feel both of us breathing, at first relaxed and then we both tense up, as I find the power within me to lean back slightly.
“I don’t think either of them will break the silence. I hope so at least, I’ve known Matt since I was seven and well, they pretty much spend time alone sticking cucumbers up each other’s noses. He’s never really told anything about me, which I’ve asked him to keep secret.” I shrug and I can feel both of us unthreading, but not breaking and that’s a good thing.
“Yeah, I guess.” He sighs. It aches not to touch him and we’re standing apart. I can’t help but look into his dark brown eyes and feel myself slip, I’m not sure if it makes me feel uncomfortable anymore, it feels like a waltz, fast and the passion still stuck as thick thorns in my body.
“Well...” Alex puts his hands in his jeans pockets and looks at the floor, before regretting it and shifting his gaze back on me. I feel absurd. I don’t know what to say and I think neither does he. He sighs again and I really wonder if he will cut me off entirely, but then I remember his touch and I feel that I’d stalk him until he’d get me back, maybe even knocking in a Matt-like fashion.
I close my eyes just in case, waiting for a blow.
But it never comes.
“I’ll see you on Monday for sure.” Go on, kill me already. I open one eye and I see him grinning at my fear, haha, I’d laugh at you too if I could. “I don’t think... if you want to see me the day is a good idea, obviously...”
“I mean, if you do. I’d be happy to. Just it’s better when everyone is snoring or getting high without the RAs knowing.” He notices that I’m still looking paranoid. Alex smirks and pulls me closer to him. “C’mon, I won’t go hiding around. What’s done is done, everything happens so... I’m sounding like a wanker, what I’m trying to say is.”
He leans slightly and kisses me.
“I think it’s stupid if we don’t go for it when we can hardly hold our hands in place.”
And I head out, nodding, agreeing and promising to see him tonight and my whole body trembles with fear and excitement.
I am indeed fucking my teacher.
It’s pretty fucking cold outside and I wonder how Matt had managed to crawl out in a plain t-shirt. I regret not taking my jacket with me, but then I had been to eager to just knock on Turner’s door. It feels so awkward that I haven’t properly replied and I feel even more guilty and awkward, even if I feel like skipping and dancing. I dig my hands deeper in my jeans pockets, thanking the fact that I’m back to my own campus, but for a second I still see the steam coming out of my lips.
I want to sleep the day away to wake myself up in his arms and-
I use the key to open the door and Matt is nowhere to be seen. I check the bathroom and there’s really no one in. At moments like this I’d have a quick wank, hoping that he doesn’t come back, but now... it’s funny, there’s no need. Obviously with all the images in my head I wouldn’t mind one, but I don’t know.
I see Matt’s note that he left on a date with Breana and frankly, I see Alex’s point in avoiding everyone. Everyone is pretty much awake by now, I’m guessing even if a bunch are sleeping.
I take off my clothes, wondering if I should keep my shirt on, but then, we were practically naked all the time and I hadn’t worn it too much so I crawl back into it and into the bed, wondering why would I sleep. I feel tired and I want to kill time.
I want to see him again.
What the fuck do I wear?
I don’t even have attractive underwear. Do you need to have attractive underwear?
Fuck, I’ve never really thought about it, the fantasies had always been with someone my age, no one um... mature. Would that make him my daddy?
Now that is just fucking awkward.
Go away bad thoughts.
I pull the bed covers.
I could’ve asked for his phone number. Fuck. Yeah, then I could like send him pandas and stuff. I wonder what kind of music does he listen to. I glance at Matt’s side of the room and there’s another discarded condom. Fuck me. I’m really starting to think he is doing this on purpose because they always remain there until I angrily kick them under Matt’s bed (there’s no way I’m touching any side, both have fluids).
I try to sleep, there’s nothing else to do on Saturday and nothing sounds as tempting as spending the night at Alex’s-
Is it the whole night?
What if it’s for one hour and then he’ll kick me out-
Fuck, what if Ezra is better?
But then he fucked me, not Ezra.
But then what if in general I am boring compared to Ezra?
Or just boring.
I won’t be able to sleep or I will fall asleep anxious and will sleep like a rock, trying to forget reality-
But I wanna dream of Alex.
There, Alex, soothing thoughts.
I wanna ruffle his hair.
While I’m laying here with a molester’s smile Matt walks in, gives me a weird eye and heads to the bathroom.
I’m not sexy.
There, if the sexiest I had ever been is a Gandalf’s costume-
But then he fucked me- yeah, while I was naked.
Maybe I should go naked. Well, I can’t really go naked. At least across the campus.
“Can you please stop marking your territory? I’m fully aware of who is the king of this bedroom. Or are you trying to keep other males out?” I remember the condom and I yell at Matt, who I can hear is washing his hands. “No seriously, mate, stop throwing the condoms around. It’s gross it’s like I even know when you guys don’t have sex or when she-”
Naw, I saw some red once.
“Just please stop it.” I wince. Something else dawns on me. Matt comes out and falls on the bed, frankly besides the floor that’s the comfiest thing. The chairs aren’t too nice, so frankly everyone uses their bed as everything. “Please tell me you clean those under your bed.”
“Nope. Of course I do.” Matt smirks and puts on a cheeky grin. “Tell me everything.”
“No.” I hide under the covers.
“Just coz it was a bloke, doesn’t mean I don’t want to hear the details. I mean, you both still... y’know, do positions and stuff.”
“No. Fuck off. Just coz you go around showing everyone that you had sex even the RAs, doesn’t mean that I do.” I’m still under the covers, but they are really not muffling Matt’s stupidity, so I try to change to a different unpleasant topic. “And don’t tell me the whole condom thing is some weird straight guy flirting with me. That’s really not flying. Neither I’m I poly.”
“So you guys are dating? So we can all go on double dates and paddle in boats?”
I throw my only pillow at him and regret it. I want my pillow back, but I don’t want to see his smug smile, so I stay under the covers. I hear him text with the little clicking noises, I’m sure he’s doing it to piss me off and at the same time I’m happy he laid off. I hear the door open and I’m sure it’s Breana due to the silence and I open myself to the world because it becomes to stuffy and she waves at me excitedly.
“Our baby lost his virginity tonight, love.” Matt says and they are both beaming.
“Yeah, yeah, call Cookie too. Tell your teachers too. How about hang a poster that lovely chap Miles got laid?” I can’t help but wince and stare at the ceiling wondering why hadn’t I hung posters up there too, it would be more entertaining than just looking at the plain white ceiling. I shift my head a bit to look at the posters of The Beatles I had put up nearly straight away as I got here, borrowing some blu-tack from Matt’s girlfriends who literally put every possible stupid photo of her and Matt, specifically a series called something like Breanaactivity where she and Matt are in these weird yet socially acceptable positions. Her room doesn’t have condoms, they always manage to do it here, at least ever since I moved her and Matt has the condom joke always.
Moving here I had hoped I wouldn’t be the only single one, being the only queer among friends was already awkward, but then I had found out that Cookie was also dating this girl who did all the modeling for random events here at college and not only. I’ve heard the rumors, but for a girl she was good looking, just that I wouldn’t open the magazines, frankly, not interested, but she was lovely and they seemed to get along.
Breana and Matt would pester me, while those two hang out, kind of slowly detaching, while maybe Matt just felt bad for everything that had happened to me.
I close my eyes, letting the dark colours come back to me before I feel a shift in my bed and I hope it’s Alex, leaning closer, but in reality it’s Breana yanking me away from the memories and bruises.
“C’mon, how was it? Did it hurt? Did you use lube?” I feel myself redden in the face. Is this ok to talk about? I feel awkward and younger than I am. I know when they have sex and I could even I guess even determinate the right time and frankly when they kick me out, I know when they are having sex.
A memory comes to mind.
Once they had kicked me out, obviously for sex and it had been very demonstrative as well and graphic when I had returned with a fresh condom, but I had been too sleepy so I went back to bed.
I had walked outside and sat on a bench in the campus, the only lights being from the windows and my lighter with the light shifting to the cigarette as I had lit it up. I knew it would be somewhere around an hour or half an hour the least. It wasn’t the first time, but usually I’d drag my laptop with me and watched something loaded or just read something, but today, I felt close to miserable and I wanted the darkness to swallow me, but it was on the edge, when I had walked out I felt less miserable, but it was like a dance, sometimes the misery was leading.
And I saw another figure smoking a cigarette in the distance.
I didn’t care and went to the bench, making myself comfortable and taking my winter coat to make sure I wouldn’t freeze off anything and I started counting the stars, all of them mixing in my mind.
I think the figure lit a second cigarette and I had lit one myself as well, following, wondering who the fuck that was. They weren’t too tall and surely male.
But soon enough they headed back to the campus and from the silhouette I saw Turner. Later he had returned with another two figures and they had started laughing, but it was a bizarre feeling, knowing that someone was watching you, it was terrifying or anything, it was just there with basic curiosity.
I wondered if I would see him again, but I didn’t. I guess he had chosen another spot to smoke or sometimes it just happens that your paths don’t cross until it’s needed, after all I was the perhaps even right Gandalf?
But walking back gave me the feeling that there should be someone there, out for me, smoking a cigarette at the right time only on my side of the campus sometime.
Funnily enough the dance had been in my campus.
I was really stuck thinking how to make Alex say that it's ok and well, why-
Oh, wow, there really is a bunch to tell, now that I think of it XD So, I was a bit stuck thinking how would Alex say it and I guess I'm happy with how he had said it.
As usual I'm happy with Matt being Matt here, which is making Miles very awkward and yay, mention for Jamie! I actually wondered if I do use Cookie and Nick would they be teachers or students? I think I know where I will stick Nick, but he'll appear later :D
Usually I'm the friend who asks for all the details, so while I was writing I was like, ok, put yourself in the people you ask's shoes. XD
I like the small memory Miles had recalled of Alex and the feeling that there will someone for you is a very interesting feeling or when you do meet that person you have this bizarre thought, which I had, so all was used :D
I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did and sorry, it took a while, but hey, it was updated today! XD
Now, what would you prefer tomorrow? :3
Feel free to request and yes, Miles' first date is soooon :O