Wednesday, 16 October 2013

You're Not Coming Back Again 4

The thing is that Alex never tried to come out to his parents and at least in the eyes of my parents any sort of in the middle sexuality would be ok. He’s never tried and with each year it gets worse. It was ok in the beginning, both of us walking back to the pub from a cigarette outside, when the pubs no longer had mists of smoke and the smell tingling your insides and passive smoking becoming active from all the amount. 

He had told me he would come out and all would be ok, that we could even get a civil partnership. 

And that had made me stop and he had just smiled at me and I remember how his eyes had been bathing in happiness and he had pulled me close to him, holding the kiss, pressing his body against my own and I had hugged him under his jacket, I couldn’t cry I could just stand there, it was a proposal and the possibility of an open future was in both of our minds, as we had started to peek on what it would be like. 

We hadn’t gotten pissed drunk that night, we had been dunked enough already in what seemed to be a pleasant routine awaiting us and we had started thinking who to tell and what to do.

Matt had known. 

I didn’t think it would be a big deal to come out to my parents so it had been decided to be done first. 

It had been such a slap in the face and with them cutting me off, that I wouldn’t even want to open that pandora box, but it’s not like their words don’t sting me.

They still do.

When I lay in bed I start noticing all the photos which had been discarded and ripped in pieces of my parents. I haven’t told them about Arabella, but I know that they will find out along with the world, it’s still someone popular coming out and who was rumored with models. 

I miss them.

Sometimes I wonder if they do, but then there’s the fact that they even moved house, changed number and told that they don’t want to see what had other men done to me, which is funny, because I’ve only slept with Alex, but they started coming to random conclusions accusing different friends from my childhood they had never approved of, all of them in their eyes were gay and horrid for me, that all should be gone.

It wasn’t even that they were religious, it was the belief that I would never have children of my own or a wife to take care of me, when I knew how to do that, I had cooked from an early age, just out of boredom and some friends had to cook for younger brothers and sisters, so I had helped and it had just gone with me. I knew how to do my laundry thank you very much and when I could be arsed I’d clean up, now with Arabella I had forced myself to make sure everything had been cleaner and it had been. 

I’ve tried to stop smoking but with too many things on my mind, I like to keep my thoughts foggy.

Alex came back in the evening with some fancy handmade toys and I had shown them to Arabella without looking at him.

“Do you think I should come out to my parents?” He had asked softly, taking my hand and then I had looked at him. It’s been seven years which sounds sadly funny to me. 

I want to snap at him, but I don’t, looking at a plush wolf whose language involves squeaking loudly, which catches Arabella’s eyes. I squeak with it again. I smile at her. 

“I dunno. It’s your call, Al, frankly, I’m just your seasonal lover.” I smirk sadly at my own nickname and Alex takes another squeaking toy, it’s funny that it’s amusing her, but there’s some which she doesn’t even register such as the big giraffe which makes a ruffling sound, squeaking apparently is far more attractive. 

Her eyes are light and I wonder if they will darken or if they will remain the same. The hair already has a soft brown shade, also lighter than any of our own. I wonder if there could just fucking spend money on the new thing where you can make an egg cell and a sperm cell from a cheek sell instead of spreading hate on anything which is ‘deviant’ or closing down budgets. But no, obviously new life is bad if it doesn’t come from assholes, but that will never mean that I don’t love Arabella and will not if the chance to have our own child someday, somehow. I think it’s crossed every couple who cannot have children’s mind. 

I’ve tried to get into other men, but frankly in gay bars there are always too much bears and I just feel intimidated because it’s either no one or you can’t even put your foot there and soon enough I leave.

Maybe I’m being too judgmental but first it’s the eyes which I notice that don’t hold the depth which Al has, then it’s the voice which doesn’t soothe me and then it’s the bad taste and sometimes they are too young and I wonder if I’m getting old and if they’re too old we hold different views on Morrissey which don’t seem to resolve.

I’ve taken a man with me once and after I had done the coffee, I just turned around saying that I had one man in my life and that’s the way I want it. And frankly, I think the scattered photos of me and Alex say a lot. I’m happy that the photos I’ve got are the ones only both of us have, maybe some of the other members have some where we are grinning at each other, but not where we are holding hands or laughing at something over a bottle of vodka we had acquired in Moscow. 

“You do realize they can give you a hard time as well? I mean, mine just told me to fuck off, but yours could dunno send pamphlets with like converting you back to being straight and shit.” I feel irritated and back when I was coming out, I was nearly sure that everything would be alright, I really thought it was no big deal. I mean what is the deal anyway which genitals the person I love has and how do we match? 

“I guess you’re right.” Alex exhales and I wonder if I’m digging out my own grave as he shifts closer to me and kisses my cheek. 

“I’m not saying that you shouldn’t come out, obviously I want you here by my side, but...” I don’t know whether I should mention my suicide and how insanely depressed I had been as everything had started to fall apart, the jigsaw falling apart with all the pieces still on the table but the image too scary to be put back together even if there is no evidence that it will be scary, just that there would be way less people putting the puzzle together, heavy chance of just me and Al. 

When Alex had decided to date Alexa, I recall Matt calling me and asking how did I feel about this. 

Then he had been in my flat to see me calmly watching television, I didn’t care and it had just been a bit after my suicide attempt and I was still questioning why was I living and why had Alex yanked me out-

I had the image of him yelling at me, saying that all will be ok-

And I had to tell him to fuck off, that no one will ever accept us, that people think there’s much more problems than accepting gay people

and that we will always be the burden of society

and I had cried. Alex had stared, maybe that’s when his own fear took over. I remember how his face had been swallowed by a shadow and he had started crying himself and let himself out of my apartment. 

But when I had realized how stupid I had been for ignoring him, ignoring everyone’s calls was when Matt stormed in and saw what a mess I had turned into. Alex didn’t even bother coming anymore and now everything was reversed, I was the scared one, but no one really broke off anything, even if we had even broken up we were still together, he would still try to kiss my lifeless lips and I would just stare at news channels trying to make everything worse for myself, trying to make me reach another point where I could just escape everything, but I felt like I had no power to actually even get out of my window, glance around and drop. I had no power to wonder where the fuck can I get a gun. I had no power to just drink every single thing which could cause something or even drugs. 

Matt had told me that Alex had gone for a woman and I didn’t even glance at him, saying that it’s bollocks. Matt tried convincing me and left soon enough. 

The next time I had seen Alex his hair had grown and he walked in, stepping over the coats and all the clothes which had been scattered everywhere along with a few empty pizza boxes and random receipts. I had told him he could grow it out as it looked nice, as I had laid sideways on the sofa, flicking through channels, telephone at bay in case my parents would change their wrong minds. But even years passed now, I haven’t received a single call. 

Alex just pulled me up in a sitting position and I felt myself become alive for a moment as his arms were around me. 

He tilted my head up, sat in my lap and kissed me fully. 

I remember how hungry that kiss had been, lips pressed harshly and teeth nearly colliding and how we both kept biting each other’s lips in agony and I don’t know who had been crying, but I felt salt between our lips and took us a long while to part, even if we had been tired, breathing heavily and our lips remained locked for a while. 

It’s funny how you get yanked from depression all of a sudden, it’s a pull and you see how dim everything is, but you’re still elevating. 

He didn’t mention Alexa and I kept it that way, wondering when had the last time been that we had been together with our lips wandering on each other’s bodies and I honestly don’t remember and I couldn’t as Alex took off his shirt and I press kisses anywhere I can, wondering why the fuck wasn’t I doing this sooner and Alex

“I love you. I’m sorry.” I said and I pinned him against the couch. “I really do.”

“I know, it’s fine.” He smiled, but I know that I fucked up. 

We both fucked up.

Alex takes the robot and makes the weird ruffling sound with the robot’s hands and that snaps me out of it. 

He keeps looking at me and I look away embarrassed, wondering how long will everything even last, even if we both come back to each other all the time, but all these years we’ve had so many moments with both of us hiding, that I wonder when will any of us break the barrier finally and I honestly don’t know. 

I don’t think I know anything.

Just as when Matt kept telling me that Alex seemed kind of happy to get his mind off me being on the couch, but that we had both known to who Alex’s smile belonged to. The words still sting to me and I see Alex take Arabella in my hands, as she cries, begging to be carried and I curse at myself for dazing off as he starts waltzing around the room to keep her amused. I feel awful and I take her from him. 

Then Alex feels awful and takes her from me and we follow this bizarre pattern as she watches us both with light eyes, amused before realizing that not much rocking is done and Alex gives me her as I start rocking her fast, as frankly your heart breaks when your child is crying and even if it will give you cramps, you’ll rock harder and I do so. 

She calms down but only if I walk around the apartment and she gets to see different things and I hope she won’t get bored, because I’d be bored if the rooms were my only amusement while rocking. Alex takes more toys and starts following me, squeaking and beeping with everything which makes a noise.

And then there’s the noise of Alex’s phone and I stop for a while, to which Arabella makes a unhappy noise and I go back to rocking. Alex takes his phone out of the mobile, revealing a bunch of missed texts and I see him reading them with a worried expression. 

“I should get going. I’ve been here for two days already.” Is what he says and I just walk away, I mean I rock away to the window and I want a smoke desperately and I hate myself for not training my nicotine addiction away and instead I try to tell myself as if I am smoking to calm myself down, but that doesn’t help and I wish I had gotten anything even nicotine patches, but now it’s too late and Alex follows me jiggling a clown which looks like could be the sixth in the video. 

I don’t know what to say and my reply is delayed already, but I shrug anyway, turning around which obviously isn’t what Arabella wants so she makes more dissatisfied noises, so with a pout I turn around and there’s the motherfucker jiggling the clown, happy to see both of us. 

“Hah, you should be more like Arabella, love.” Alex smirks at me and presses a button which makes a new low beep which leaves the baby in bliss, of course, a new noise and from mister creepy clown. 

I still have the image of him coming back to Arielle. And I can see her with her plastic face and frankly, I have no reason to like her, but neither am I throwing darts at her but hey, I’m not just pissed at her, I’m pissed at Alex as well.

“Just coz she forgives easily, doesn’t mean I do.” I say half-mocking and Arielle texts him again and frankly I have a feeling it’s just minutes before she’d burst the door down. I look at him with the daft clown and I recall him with the clown paint and wishing I had done it as well and we could’ve gone on some swings and it would be funny watching scared moms and maybe better after dark when you can see the holes in sky, like in that story with the moth eating the curtains of the night. It’s funny when you recall your own childhood and you see how lonely it had been, even lonelier than when Alex leaves for whomever, it’s better knowing him and even when we’re apart

I’m better than without knowing him and watching romantic comedies and wondering why I never look at the girls, all the blokes fixed in my mind and appearing when I would touch myself with other guys I’d known, hinting out my sexuality.

I don’t know if I have the guts.


“Why don’t you stay then?” I ask him and I wonder why haven’t I before, usually it’s him telling me that he has to go and he does, it’s always his decision when to leave. He keeps playing with the clown to make Arabella blow more bubbles, having so much amusement that hopefully she’ll sleep the entire night without begging for rocking. 

I hold Arabella tighter and I see that there’s too many bubbles, so I get a tissue and I wipe them away just for her to make more new ones. 

I don’t think Alex knows the answer either.

“You were asking if you should come out. You can start off by getting rid of people who are just there, making your life...” I can’t say duller. “Less... you?”

I can’t think of anything, if I had been scared of Alexa, I know Arielle is nothing to fear for some reason and I haven’t even gotten attached to her, just spoken a few words, while Alexa had tried to be friends with me, even called me to hang out when Alex had been busy which was awfully bizarre, maybe that’s why she never told anyone, because she had never suspected that out of all potential lovers it was me and that it had been so obvious. I know she’s heavily heartbroken and I can’t blame her, but the difference is that Alex had never given up on me. 

Alex takes out a pack of cigarettes to which I quickly say ‘oi’ and he puts it back. 

“I’m dying for a fag too, if that makes you feel any better.” I say, offering my own suffering. 

I don’t know what I’d do if I knew he was never coming back to me. 

“Yeah, we should both drop smoking for Arabella’s sake, frankly she’d prefer us playing with her toys.” He smirks, already getting bored of all of the functions the clown has to offer, but Arabella’s amused face keeps us going. 

I don’t think I can.

What if Arielle is-

But he’s here.

I rock her lighter, she doesn’t seem to mind for a while, before I take a deep breath

“You don’t have to go back to her y’know and same for coming out. You could just be helping me.” Which is a lie, if we’re seen together, rumors will roll. But the phrase it out. I’m asking him back in, which I haven’t done in a while and I feel like opening a window in winter, regretting the breeze but welcoming the fresh air. 


Actually, I think this might be the most uplifting out of all of them. I mean, I've got Arabella being adorable xD There's more to come, I am not ending it in a unknown note, because well, we don't know what Alex replies to it XD I know, I'm evil

I know, it should've been Gandalf's Inhaler today but I got carried away writing this chapter yesterday and I continued it this morning, so sorry about that:3 but I don't think anyone would be angry, right? >.>

I'm sorry about all the other requests, I should have Threesome up soon, I've just been into Milex a lot as it is seen xD 

Anyway, back to the behind the scenes xD

I guess Alex's doubt in his actions should've been raised at some point and I was thinking to keep it for later, but hey, that doesn't mean even if he's finally thinking properly that he's gonna do the sudden confession. I know, I ship them too and I guess the sudden turn of this chapter was the fact that Miles is just as guilty in the relationship, obviously not as much as Alex. But still, he's done things and I guess I like that both of them fucked it up but still manage to get together in one way or another. 

I really enjoyed writing this chapter even if it's still heart breaking and I love them in this and I'm sure Arabella loves them too (I mean, rocking + random squeaking toys is like baby heaven XD) 

I hope you enjoyed it and feel free to request the next chapter :3

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