Tuesday, 15 October 2013

Gandalf's Inhaler 4

I wake up with someone drooling on my cheek and once I stir I get a groan and I have sleepy brown eyes watching me with a sloppy smile and ruffled hair, and I lean back.



I kiss him.

I wonder if we’re hiding for now in the fortress as Alex pulls the bedcovers over us and wants to sleep some more. I close my own eyes.

“I was going to apologize again, next time I’d see you.” I keep my eyes closed, scared of whatever turns this might make, feeling that they won’t be too good, but I hope it’s just me. “But... I don’t have to, do I?”

And he timidly kisses my cheek.

“No.” I reply softly, pulling him closer, entangling my legs with his own.

I am starting to freak out with how calm he is and how Alex is starting to drift off again. I untangle him and I want to turn on the water tap and scream, scared and the anxiety is down my throat, choking me and keeping me plastered on this bed, as his hand keeps ruffling my hair.

Sometimes I wish I never got off the medication, that it would still even give me a sense of placebo, but I don’t have any of it and even if I would, I wouldn’t without anyone telling me it’s ok to have it again.

Turner pulls me into a kiss again and I wonder how the fuck is he so calm.

I end up going to the bathroom, ruffling my hair, feeling the cold tiles break my feet soles and I don’t know what to do with myself, as I rinse my face, feeling yesterday’s alcohol leftovers in my mouth.

And I’ve got Turner in his own bed, basically, we fucked.

I’m glad I’m not hungover and there’s nothing to be scared of, for now. I start ruffling through the shelves, realizing that this really isn’t my home, but I still open the fridge and take out some eggs.

I decide on an omelette as I find a pan and I wait for it to be cooked, thankful that both me and Matt had decided to cook back in the summer, in case the food was rubbish and we’d want something else. I obviously had no idea that it would be handy in cooking breakfast to someone who I just had slept with in both meaning of the word.

I sigh, looking at the postcards on Alex’s fridge. I guess he’s been there too, it’s hard with all the television being so British and frankly, I can’t blame them, it’s just that I don’t want to go back and frankly if I wanted to, I couldn’t.

Sometimes I wish I’d go back, but now I’m in the chains of education which is a good thing, I guess it was hard enough already the few months without education, just being on my parent’s couch, because no one had expected me and frankly it was awful never having your head to your thoughts.

It still gives me shivers.

I could go back to Matt’s but I know that he’d have some people over discussing who had fucked which bird and frankly, I’m too homesick, that had became my home

I miss it too much

I miss being open, not that I’m not open here and frankly I’ve given my feelings full blow last night, but it’s different to walk new streets which you’re not used to.

It’s hard hearing a different accent from which you know, I thought I belonged, Matt instantly turns off if there’s a report on the town and I’m thankful.

I feel his hands on my shoulders and I know I’m tense. I remove the pan from the stove.

Nothing is forgotten so easily.

People cry when they go to university.

I’m bawling that I didn’t get in and everything that had happened.

We’ve slept half the day, I see by looking at the clock.

I ease at his touch and I turn around, taking the pan off the stove and we make out.

I wonder if this is to avoid words and my mind is mechanic, my soul aching and he’s right here-

I keep having the same thoughts, clingyness desired by my mental state and I lean back.

“Sorry... I might’ve drank too much yesterday.” Frankly, Alex, I don’t know what to talk about as well, but I don’t tell him that as he takes out some orange juice and I suddenly like the small kitchen, trying to make sure I recall it later, if all of this collapses.

I shrug in reply.

“I... Well, I drank, but yeah, not as much as you did.” I grin at him. It’s well awkward to look at him from such a close distance. He coughs shyly and takes a chair.

He goes exactly where I knew he would. He turns off the smoke detector as well and soon enough lights his cigarette. We don’t say anything, instead I just take a drag. It’s funny because I don’t think I’ve even properly imagined him or anything, sure, he was good looking and I even feel guilty for never paying proper attention before.

I wonder if he had payed attention to me, true, I always sit in the middle, direct middle, so I can hear and daze off and get brought back to life again. The window is too distracting and always taken. The door? I’ve got nowhere to head over to, that’s the thing.

Me and Alex share a cigarette and soon enough he lights a second one, as I hold it between my lips and I breathe the smoke at him before he kisses me again, I feel too attracted and maybe it was me who kissed him, I don’t know.

But I hear very loud knocking before I even get the chance to ask anything like where would the laundry machine be, knowing that all the laundry machines are public property and you just take your clothes down, which was unusual as I had even seen a dry cleaning machine. In that split second before the knocking I wondered if he would sit there on the floor with no chairs for whatever reason waiting for all of it to tumble dry, reading a novel and if Alex could he’d be smoking a cigarette.

The knocking intensifies and we’ve barely held a scared conversation this morning and the knocking goes louder and louder


“OI! LOVEBIR-” And I pull away, pushing myself out of the table and rushing towards the door, naked, not caring and I open to see a grinning Matt who whistles as he sees me naked.

Alex follows, curses and drags Matt inside.

“Who the fuck- I mean.” He stops himself and closes his eyes before anxiously ruffling his hair and releasing how dumb everything he had done was. Matt just walks around and turns around.

“Can both of you, men, dress up, please? I mean, I know you both shagged. Me mate here never came back in the night, they’ve been counting heads and I had to say he was puking his arse off.” Matt smirks at his own idea. He turns his head to see us picking up our clothes and putting them on gingerly. “And no one wants to see a puking Miles, I mean, I ‘ave-”

“Fuck off.” I feel red in the face and I don’t know how Alex feels and -

“Ok.” Alex stops, rubbing his temples. “How many people know?”

I’m sure his hangover is catching up on him and I’m about to puke from anxiety and I’ve already gave out a few anxious coughs which is surely not a good thing. Fuck, this isn’t good.

“No- I mean, just Matt.” I point at him, buttoning my cardigan.

“Naw, Breana too. She asked me where the fuck where you and well, frankly it was fucking hilarious. I mean, you were Spider-Man and Gandalf, so it was-” I cover his mouth from saying any more stupidity. Alex lights another cigarette, watching it burn before taking a strong drag from it and we watch him exhale.

“Anyone else?” I ask Matt whose mouth is covered by mine. Matt is heavily amused and shakes his head, even more amused and his gaze is fixed on Alex who started pacing around. I wonder what would’ve happened if Matt hadn’t intruded. My biology teacher stops pacing and blinks a few times, before exclaiming.

“Fuck, Ezra knows.” Both me and Matt look at him confused.

“I’m sure that moron is still waiting for me on the dance floor. He should’ve figured something, no?” And we all imagine Ezra as Gandalf waiting for Turner and I even get the image of the circle of Gandalfs and maybe Ezra is doing the circle by himself. Matt starts laughing even more, of course, he’s not the one who had fucked up literally.

“But you... you didn’t tell your boyfriend anything?” Matt bites my hand off and I just drop it, looking at Matt as if he had burned me and it dawns on me, what if Alex was dating Ezra. But then why would he have shagged me? I think I’m even getting a migraine, my palms are sweaty and frankly I want to hide under my bed, not even with hot chocolate.

“No, he’s not my boyfriend. We were just... well, we’re friends and yeah, we’ve flirted for a bit, but like nothing really.” I ease up but I still want to puke. “We might’ve kissed, but he shrugged it off.”

Matt whistles again.

I’m going to puke.

“Ok, we did, but he really shrugged it off. But we weren’t an item.” I think teacher-teacher relationships haven’t grown out of high school level, maybe because we’re all living in high school. I look at Alex again and then at Matt and I feel nauseous.

“Oi, mate, don’t puke over the nice carpet here which Mr. Turner has.” But I don’t care what Matt says, I go to the sink and puke out of anxiety. His phrase sure was gagging and everything is just making it worse. I press my head against the sink when I’m done and I wonder if this is a hangover or all of reality dawning upon me.

Alex’s hand is on my neck and he starts stroking my back and I ease up turning towards him and pressing myself into his chest.

I don’t care that Matt is watching me, frankly, he caused my anxiety as well.

“Who’s Breana?” Alex asks, trying to change the topic, but it’s not helping and it’s still in the same bowl and I go back to the sink, waiting but nothing thankfully comes, because it would be hilarious if I kept puking for the rest of my life at any mention of this marvelous incident. I’m sure Matt would end up filming it at some point with thumbs up saying something like Breana laughed at you guys fucking drunk. Alex stretches his arm, opens a shelf door and gets a glass, smirking before filling it with water.

“Relax, I’ll clean it. I’ve puked worse and surely on the ‘nice carpet’.” He smirks and kisses my temple and even if Matt’s here I ease for a bit, wondering if this will continue or it will be me running after him again and banging on his door as loud as Matt, demanding love-

There it is, the lingering word again.

I breathe a bit heavier, wondering if I’ll fucking get an asthma attack to top it all. My mind is fuzzy as I’m trying to block my entire existence with the word which had appeared with Turner’s lips on my own last night in the dim light. I’m too stupid and lonely. I get Matt to watch things with me sometimes or do a puzzle where he ends up getting bored too easily and mismatching them instead for pure amusement and humming annoying tunes.

Even in his touch, one memory unlocks the other and I recall the last time I had an asthma attack which was listening to utter bullshit how it was my fault for coming out. Coming out day even this year was a pain to survive, thankfully I had Matt get enough booze and I had dawned it all myself and I just slept through it, keeping all memories away even if things were getting better. But yeah, I’ve felt sometimes out of breath and I’ve used it, but something too intense, was that last time.

And I had been on the phone, listening, how it is all my fault, how nothing can be done, how it is all my fault

and then I felt like I couldn’t get enough oxygen again and I couldn’t stop coughing, listening and listening how they can’t do anything and that the college was tolerant and that

I kept coughing and they ignored me

In the end I put the phone back and I started bawling

I knew this is the end and I had to move

I got the inhaler and used it, knowing that I’ve got nothing else

Funny, how I had been too depressed to even think of suicide, everything was like a book of pictures unfolding and showing me hell.

Funny how people have all these nice inhalers at least in posters and mine is just daft and white. When I was a kid I bothered and scribbled something on it, well, obviously years passed and you do end up finishing it and buying a new one.

Alex keeps holding me and I know, I’m ok, I think

I should be

I don’t care

And I straighten up slightly to kiss him, which makes Matt shut up about whatever he was talking about and Alex is taking lightly by surprise but he kisses me back. I wish Matt knew he had to leave.

“Miles, they could be counting heads again. At least go to the RA, say you’re ok and you have puked, so you have the face. Or you can puke again.” Matt says poking my shoulder and entertaining himself with observing Turner’s nice small apartment.

He looks at both of us and puts his hand up.

“Five minutes, otherwise the RA will go crazy.” Matt says and leaves both of us to be awaken, hangover and to talk properly for a bit before I have to leave.


I really decided to post this first thing in the morning, yay :D

What I like about this chapter is the humor (I mean, I found it funnyXD) and the lightness even if Miles is highly anxious and even pukes. Obviously, Matt's character and the beautiful line about the nice carpet XD

The image of Ezra still waiting on the dance floor had been an image which had stuck to me for a few chapters and I wasn't sure how to put it and I've found it as the most hilarious thing ever or doing a circle by himself, so yeah xD

I guess another fun fact while I was rereading it I realized that Miles had never gotten the omelette off the stove and I had nearly written the entire chapter. So there was a bit off:
1. should I make them have a commotion about the burning omelette?
2. should I just make Miles get it off the stove?

I figured there's a lot going on already, so the omelette lost all priority XD

Whenever I felt anxious or depressed I'd really just open the computer and write the angsty bits, because well, you still have flashes when you get depressed and they do serve the story and make it more realistic:)

Initially only Matt was s'posed to know, but in the last moment I figured he'd tell his girlfriend. Now about if they tell or not, I'll just leave it here for suspense even if they might not tell, dun dun dun XD

I had thought to write more, but I wrapped up this chapter in the last sentence shamelessly XD but please don't worry all that was supposed to be in this one (which is the talk both Miles and Alex finally will have :O) will be in the next chapter:3

In the meantime

Do you want a chapter of Gandalf's Inhaler or You're Not Coming Back Again tomorrow? :O

Feel free to request the next chapter of any :D Both are being written :D

Thank you :3


Gandalf's Inhaler 5