Sunday, 27 October 2013

You're Not Coming Back Again 7

“MILES!” My name gets called as I hear someone pounding the door loudly and Arabella stirs. I swear and open my eyes to see the ceiling and have my daughter lay to my left in those weird beds which get attached to your own, as if the baby is sleeping with you. Well, technically she is. The banging stops and I wake up as I stroke Arabella’s little hand and I stand up, still getting silence. I put on a t-shirt and get the door, opening to see Alex, just as I expected with a newspaper in his hand and he shows me the cover with me looking confused, the tweet as the headline and Arabella in the baby carriage. 

I wave him in and I take it, noticing a bunch of other press under his arm. We head to the bedroom where Arabella is sleeping and I flick through all of them, some ask the question whether I am with Alex Turner, some say that surely we had a fling, some don’t mention it at all and apparently I even got a honorable mention in NME which was also due out today on the last page and for the next week they promise to cover this even better. But yeah, there’s still The Sun claiming that they will speak to the “mother” who had slept with me and is doing charges. 

I’m surprised at NME because I always thought that out of all people they would never say I’m gay because well, they love the Arctic Monkeys and I could never see them bite their own hand that feeds, the audience. Now, I’ll be known as the gay mod singer. I’ll have gay in front of me, it’s a good thing from my point of view, but all the close minded people are now chopped off and well, frankly there’s too many of them and they feed you. 

“Matt and Nick got a call and James too. Everyone wants to know if we’ve fucked, since your phone is off. I got two paps outside, but couldn’t bother. Some just want pictures of the baby. Everyone is taken back, since you’ve kept it pretty hush-hush.” Alex says and a bit hurt himself that I had told him not too much before I had taken Arabella fully in my custody. I glance at Arabella and we walk out as I leave the door open, enough for her not to get woken up and for me to hear even a light grunt.

I don’t know what to say and instead I hug Alex and he’s taken by surprise and hugs me back. 

“I should really say this...” He stops and holds me tighter, one hand on my head. 

“Your parents called.” My eyes widen. 

“I never really changed my number and they said they can’t reach you.” He swallows and presses a kiss against my forehead.

“What did you say?” It’s been nearly seven years. 

“They said your phone was off and indeed it was. They said they want to see the baby and they want to talk to you.” I push Alex away in fury and regret it instantly and I’m shaking. So now when they have a grandchild they are ok with talking to me? 

“Did you tell them to fuck off?” I ask my chin shaking and I hug myself, Alex just stares at me and I push every single attempt he does to hold me. He simply nods.

“I said... that you don’t want to talk to them and well... they asked if we’re still together and I said yes. Just for them to think if they want a son-in-law as well. Because they’ve done their fair share...” Alex trails off and I look up.

“What?” I ask and it dawns on me, they had called him too. Alex sighs and grabs me by the wrist and I take his hand, staring at him horrified. It’s one thing when you’re the one humiliated but it’s another when it’s your beloved. I’ve even chucked the fact that the told my parents that we’re together, but the fact that they’ve approached him as well. 

“They had called me a few weeks after they lost contact with you.” Alex keeps staring at my feet. He raises his eyes. 

“You were miserable and suicidal.” He makes his point.

“Go on.” I don’t think I’m breathing anymore.

“They said they’d resume contact if we broke up.” I slap Alex hard. Alex just flinches and I see the red mark come to life on his cheek and tears swell up but not due the hit. 

“IS THAT WHY YOU BROKE UP?!” I yell at him and I wake Arabella up and Alex motions at her and he goes to check on her and I just lower myself on the floor and I start sobbing, hating my parents even more and I can’t stop

“Miles, I wanted you off the ground, but even when I broke up they’d keep saying until you’d start dating and... then I just got pissed and started well... seeing you again.” I hear Alex and he walks out with a curious Arabella. 

I press the back of my head harder against the wall, feeling my head ache and I keep sobbing and my daughter is staring at me surprised. 

“Y-you... broke i-it o-off... it’s all my fault.” And I start bawling and Alex sits besides me and Arabella just watches me until she kicks me, which makes Alex smirk.

He puts an arm around me, looking ahead, Arabella watching both of us until she gets bored and starts sucking on Alex’s shoulder to which he tells me to wait a bit and gets her a dummy to suck on. 

“They’re willing to resume but obviously, they just want to see Arabella, no me.” Alex continues and I just start violently shaking my head.

“I’ve been without them for seven years and I’ve tried to commit suicide, I was depressed and they were off ignoring me and asking you do bullshit. I don’t think I’ll be judged at the pearly gates if I keep the silence. Fuck, it’s not even silence- Give me your phone.” I turn and look at Alex.

“What?” In his accent it’s more of a ‘wot’ and he hands me his phone confused, I open the last calls and Alex just watches me. I dial the right number.

I hear her voice, picking up the phone and then my fathers.

They both ask if it’s Alex and what the fuck does he want.

“No, it’s me, Miles.” Arabella stretches out to the phone and I lean a bit off, angry. I hear the silence and how their voice change, as if it’s Satan himself giving me flowers and some dream for a dirty deal. 

“I always wondered why is family so holy because if we were just random people, nothing would’ve connected us and get what even being fucking blood related doesn’t help.”

“Miles, darling, tell me the baby is from a sweet girl and you can come over to the weekend. Surely you can’t be dating that daft lad, Alex all these years, right? We should christen her, so that the Devil won’t give her any impure thoughts.” I clench my knuckles. I can’t even call her mom. Since when the fuck are they religious? Is religion now welcoming every bigot who never even though of God until now?

“Read the damn press. And stop calling Alex. Stop calling me. Actually, you won’t because I happen to be gay and you know what, I adopted, yes, some people are more openminded than you are and well...” I make a pause where I hear her crying and I’ve never felt so pleased before. 

“I think we’ve parted ways year ago, mother. And it’s ok. You weren’t there and I can happily raise my daughter in a gay household with her parents having gay sex.” And I press the button and hurl the phone across the corridor, making Alex flinch but sigh once he sees that it didn’t break into shards. 

I feel furious and I just head out to the balcony, not caring and I start playing with my lighter, thankfully Alex with Arabella and I feel furious and I’ve still got tears running down my cheeks and I wonder what else should I’ve said and I feel furious, the feeling mutating in my body and I wonder what else should I do

What else should I do

And I glance down and I head back into the kitchen, grabbing a specific box with two cigarettes, the only sane idea I had and I go to smoke one, letting my brain relax, butmy whole body is still trembling and I feel like I could bite their heads off and I feel frustrated. 

A thought starts sprouting in my head.

Alex had told my parents we were dating and he’s not with Arielle right now and I glance back to see him rocking Arabella again. I should give her first meal of porridge today, later on and I watch him and he approaches me with the balcony door between us. I blow smoke at him and he rolls his eyes. It feels finally refreshing to smoke a cigarette and I feel guilty for it as well. 

I’ll shower again, change clothes and chew gum, that’s the best I can think of.

“I love you both.” I say and I wonder how insane I seem with my face all red from crying and I know they can both just guess what I’m saying and I watch them and Al turn around and I stub out my cigarette, wanting to be with them.

Does it mean we’re dating again?

Does it mean that things are finally turning for the best and I want to scream in frustration to make sure they stay that way. I walk in, quickly taking off my shirt and underwear, getting some gum and rushing towards the shower.

I can’t stop grinning. 

Al is busy with Arabella. I get the water as hot as I can, feeling it burn me and give me back feeling. Everything is done in a rush to miss nothing.

I dry myself as I see him rocking her to sleep as I come out. I grab him and I pull him into a kiss, guiltily putting Arabella on one of the small baby rocking chairs and I pull him closer. I am losing my mind as he kisses me with some hesitation due to my sudden mood swing.

I run my hands through his hair, messing up his quiff and feeling the roughness of his gel against my fingers. 

“Please, please, tell me we’re dating again.”

“Who said we never were?” And I feel like it’s the first time we’ve kissed and I have realized with his words, that he loves me as well. I feel like it’s Christmas and we’re opening crackers again and all the hats are red which seems very funny to us and we’ve gotten the same shitty prizes twice, so we go out and buy even more crackers. I wonder how will this year be as well, how we’ll drag a real Christmas tree again and now we’ll have Arabella who will be staring the balls and grasp them and I’ll have to make sure that we buy shatter proof ones. 

I grab him closer and I pull him into a kiss, before grabbing Arabella in my hands again. Shit, by my age shouldn’t I be this happy at an engagement or something?

But I can’t help but realize that I’ve told my parents to fuck off finally after all these years of silence, sure I haven’t said everything I’ve thought, but that’s enough, now I can close the pandora’s box and I can celebrate. I’m rocking Arabella nearly dancing and Alex watches both of us, a bit flushed. 

“Can I get a cigarette, too, then?” He smirks. I shake Arabella lightly with my head as she turns her head to look at me with her confused big blue eyes. I wonder if they’ll darken to green or a light shade of brown or if they will remain the same or maybe she’ll have gray or what if her hair darkens as well?

I stop.

“Why do you need one?” I ask, a bit dazed and Arabella shifts in my arms to look at Alex, confused as well and says some weird syllable and I just grin at her, but Alex still causing me concern. 

“You do realize I need to talk to Arielle.” 

It had started off as a rumor, it had never made it to the press properly, everyone had been blinded that Alex had broke up with Alexa and that was the main news which had been in everyone’s minds. The fact that we had started going to events was seen as Alex just being heartbroken and me trying to cheer him up. 

Alexa had kept her mouth shut and the only people who knew about us had been my parents, the bands and a few close friends, but other than that it was just us. 

But then there had been rumors and there was that one photo which seemed to be discarded whenever we are mentioned. It was some small press it was a picture of us holding hands very briefly and rather blurry, but it’s not seen that well and as soon as that surfaced Alex and me were smoking.

Then there had been the call asking if we were dating and if we wanted to come out, bringing out the fact that we both look very attached to each other. It had been paid to keep the mouth shut, counting how much damage would be caused, the world just isn’t ready, I mean, even when you look at such simple artists at Lady Gaga, she’s not gay and has no high profile girlfriend. 

Arielle had been chosen simply, she would still fit in the type that could be seen as girly as Alexa was, both brunette and had been seen at a concert, letting everyone else speculate on something else. 

I had watched all of this emerge, but I never had the guts to ask Alex back.

We had both agreed on a break, I was too much of a wreck and I wanted to be the one tearing all the photos apart and Alex had walked to me and told me it was over, as I had cut my parent’s faces in half and cried over too much loss, two birds with one stone. 

I didn’t like Arielle, I just saw her as a cheap replacement and I didn’t find her funny and honestly, I barely felt bad for Alexa because she had taken my Alex at the right damn time, because Arielle seemed like a kick in the balls both for me and Alexa.

I had seen her when Arielle and Alex were together.

It was funny that it was at Tesco over the magazines.

“So... you’re not dating Alex?” She had asked picking up Vogue with her own article, ironic.

“No.” I sighed.

“Cool, we both lost then.” And she had snapped at it, smiling at me and walking away, the slap she had never given me before for sleeping with her boyfriend whenever she wasn’t looking. 

"Oi." I said after her. "Al ain't a game y'know. Just coz he's with someone else now..."

I stopped .

She could leak it.

She had all rights and everyone would feel bad for the straight woman who got cheated on by a "gay" guy.

I didn't know what else to say, so I grabbed the NME with The Horrors trying to understand the damn hype around them.


Lou Reed died.

I know, he's not related to the story, but relationships can be tough, it's not that they are tough, it's more about what gets in the way, some complications, discrimination from the outside, families, distance, anything can get in the way and it's insignificant and I'm writing this because Alex and Miles' relationship has a bunch of struggles

Everyone has their struggles

We've had ours and just like when you kiss and you have music and all is good in your ears I had Satellite of Love by Lou Reed. I turned it on. It was long ago and everything seemed harder and everything was a lot harder.

It's hard to know that he passed away.

And I wrote the chapter without knowing, but yeah, people can dedicate things and well, all I've got to give is this chapter and the hope and love his songs give me. 

It's hard to know that he's gone.

I even had a Lou Reed fanfic. 

It's hard to write behind the scenes now, well. The last scene was added as I realized there were no flashbacks and I wanted the chapter to be longer and the end of it was written on my phone as I tend to write in the train sometimes and I was kicked out xD

Quoting my partner, everyone's been waiting for Miles' parents to show up and here they are. 

It's funny that this chapter is like Satellite of Love to me, all is getting better somehow, but we've still got a long way to go, baby.

Thank you, Lou Reed


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