Gandalf's Inhaler 12

Alex is actually in a long black woolen coat which is longer than my own and a different colour and I don’t know why I think of this when I really want to just strip him off it when we walk into a music store and it’s like a shrine of The Arctic Monkey and the new solo project, My Last Shadow Puppet. He doesn’t seem like a bad guy or a threat, but I am allowed to dislike him intensely and in the end, he lost Alex.

I start raiding through the pop section randomly to distract myself which picks up Alex off guard and I wonder, how would it be to lose Alex?

Would he just break up with me?

What the fuck would he say?

It wouldn’t be me unless he cheated on me, that’s fair enough or deceived me but in what way

how the fuck would he deceive me?

“Al!” And we both instantly turn our heads to see a man my height in a yellow and black stripped bright scarf and bright green eyes, grinning and waving at my biology teacher. 

“Shit.” Alex whispers and I have to thank the heavens that we’re not making out or holding hands. I recognize Ezra and he recognizes Alex and I see the feeling which covers his eyes and I start taking out random pop CDs and staring at them, holding them far too tight and Alex takes a step away from me, which feels like a mile and Ezra approaches us. Then the lovestruck lost lover notices me and he points at me then at Al.

“You guys together?” He asks curiously which causes both me and Alex to quickly stare at each other, Alex quickly opens his mouth and I just violently shake my head, it’s that moment when you want to slam the phone down and you order a pizza from another place for the rest of your life. Ezra blinks even more confused. “I mean, you guys hanging out?”

“Oh.” Alex sticks his hands deep in his pockets and faces me. “Oh, no, he’s just my student. We just bumped into each other and...”

He holds a brief pause.

“I really wanted to know my grade-”

“He wanted to know what was on the test.” We say it both at the same time, causing Ezra to tilt his head and look at both of us. Alex thankfully picks it up and turns towards me. “Both. I’m not telling him either, right, Miles, no cheating.”

“Shit.” Maybe I’m overreacting but that causes a small chuckle from Ezra. I see him glance at Alex’s lips and I take another CD and put it in front of ABBA for some reason and then put it back. Shit, shit, shit. I see the Economics teacher nod towards the door, but Alex pretends to ignore it, so he shuffles a bit. 

“I mean. You wanna hang out, Al?” He asks, worried and waiting for a positive answer as I wonder if I should walk away, but I play the nosy student instead. Alex starts rocking on his heels and I see he’s buying time, he glances around for a clock and I want to shove my phone in his face and Ezra just looks at him hopefully. 

“Um, I kind of promised to meet me mom.” He says, relieved that he is getting out some excuse, but that doesn’t stop Ezra.

“Oh, cool, I haven’t see your parents for a while.” I think I scratched a CD box with my nails, instead I take a step closer to Al, which actually is towards different CDs as I believe I’ve seen everyone’s face by now. I take a random CD and look at the back of it, not even knowing the artist. 

What the fuck does he mean

Alex never told me Ezra knew his parents.

Shit.

“Um. She’s ill, I mean, mom, so... she, I need to help and yeah, then she’ll feel bad that she’s just in bed.” He mutters and mumbling the words, glancing at me for help, but I’m too busy with the bunch of ABBA CDs which I decided to put in front of every row for the fuck of it and Alex smirks lightly, observing me before turning his glance at a hopeful Ezra. 

“Oh...” He gives out a nervous laugh. “‘Course. Um, I guess tell her to get better and yeah. What about Monday, Al?”

Great, no Sunday, I-

Monday? Shit.

Alex still holds a pause and picks up an ABBA CD himself.

“Yeah, cool, we can meet up before I start the lessons. I just have afternoon ones, so around ten cool with you?” He smiles at him and I wonder how close had they been and even if I’m the chosen, I feel uncomfortable. 

“It’s fine, I get it and yeah, Monday’s cool. Stop ditching me, Turner. I’m sorry for...” Alex shrugs harshly and looks down.

“It’s fine, Ezra, I mean it. We’ve discussed it when you came over last night.” He swallows and I feel even more uncomfortable when Ezra kisses Alex on the cheek. Alex flinches like burnt but they quickly glance at each other when Ezra pulls back.

“Right, I’ll be off, Al.” And he turns around, loosing up the scarf and exiting the store. Alex turns around and starts browsing through the CDs and I see that he got a bit flushed and I sigh, waiting for him to say anything.

“He came last night.” He starts before I act on my thought of leaving and putting on a conclusion that Ezra might have been indeed the right Gandalf for him. “He asked me why didn’t I make a move and I had told him, that well... I don’t think it’ll work out and I’m tired of walking in circles, when he’s not even with me. He left saying that he won’t give up... and I guess he’s not.”

I still stare at his kissed cheek.

“Shit, Miles, I’m sorry, I went after him for a whole damn year, I’m sorry, look, I’m sorry, I just know you properly for three days.” He snaps protectively and I just nod, looking at the floor and at his boots. 

“Right. Of course, Alex. Sure, that’s why you fucking said...” I glance at the door, Ezra is long gone. I don’t need that wanker on my tail. “I love you.”

Alex tries to grab my hand. I shake it off and I push past him, feeling irritated at both of the on and off lovers. What if he was lying and he had slept with him as well. It dawns on me.

“Oh grand, so first you saw Ezra, discussed something and then you fucked me. Grand. Why don’t you juggle a third bloke, as well, then?” I turn around and snap at him and he just stares at me before walking towards me. He hesitates for a while and pulls me into a kiss. It’s a bit too angry and I pull away.

“I’m sorry, I just happened to crawl out of one relation to another. Look, I love you and I fucking meant it and I’m fucking with you right now, tha knows? I’m not with Ezra and frankly I’ve never loved him and I’ve never loved anyone else before. And it’s ok if you don’t want me back. I’m ok with it, you were the one who came to mine’s.” Alex’s words sting and I know I need him. I just shrug and I turn around, pushing the door open to outside and I’m happy not to see Ezra anywhere and I wonder if Alex is deep in his thoughts and I wonder if he also loves Alex.

My biology teacher follows me and he’s just as silent as I am, as we keep walking.

“I’m sorry.” He says and we stop in a close. I look up and I see the lack of windows.

“Funny.” I’ve got his attention. “I like closes. I guess with seagulls, that’s something that I miss about living in the other city where I had college.”

“Yeah, they’re nice.” Alex says.

“You sure suck at apologizing, though.” I smirk and Alex just shrugs. 

“I can raise you a grade on a test, is that good, enough?” He smirks.

“Do I need it, though?” I should really stop flattering myself. 

“No.” He smiles. “Thank you for declining, I don’t want to get fired for corruption and sexual relationships with a student. I think one is enough already.”

I smirk and nod, shrugging the thought away that technically I am in trouble again only this time for something I’ve actually done and I wonder if people were to find out, would we be taken harsher than a heterosexual romance? After all, I will never say that even if the law is written and homophobia is illegal, that it works, teachers are still above you, just like you can’t put the racist politicians behind bars, because they’ll never have enough evidence in the eyes of law against them. It’s funny it’s like a Kafka novel. Actually, life is a Kafka novel, only you don’t realize that you’re the bug, but everyone is disgusted by you and in the end they’ll take the train. 

Alex takes my wrist and then I feel his hand sliding down to intertwine my fingers with his. He turns around.

“Look, I feel awful, I’m sorry, I just... I was literally running after him for a fucking year and frankly, he’s never even kissed my cheek like this. I’m sorry. If I cared or if you were some place holder, I’d leave you and honestly I would have never considered you, but I do. I fucking do. I love you.” I see that for both of us the word combination is foreign, but we still mean it and even if sounds weird to say, it still brings the fire to both of us. “And even if you would want to get rid of me, I won’t go and well, I’ve still got you a few times a week-”

“And?” I smirk, nodding him to go on.

“I’d just fuck you at some point over the tables.” He confesses and takes out a box of cigarettes and hands me one. He lights mine first and then lights his off pressing his against my own, giving me a light wink. For once I’m happy of my height. 

“Oh, grand, you’ve also thought about it?” I smirk. I exhale, trying to do a smoke ring and failing to which Alex does one himself and I push him lightly with my other hand, not letting go of the other one with the cigarette in my mouth. “I really thought I’d have to stare at you with angst to make you notice me and at the end of the year, you’d tell me it’s inappropriate.” 

“Oh, I get it.” Alex takes a deep drag and then pins me against the wall, blowing smoke in my face. “Like this?”

My breath stops and he presses himself fully against me and I feel his boner even through all these layers and I look at his dark eyes, smirking at me but still heavily dipped in love. 

“Miles, I think this is highly inappropriate?” And he says that, glancing down at my lips and leaning in, his breath against mine and I close my eyes for the kiss, but instead he leans back, laughing.

“Wanker.”

-

I am so sleepy and I feel guilty for this short chapter but while writing it a bunch of things I haven't thought of appeared such as Ezra kissing Alex on the cheek and the short fight-ish thing between Miles and Alex. Also I thought I had mentioned that Alex and Ezra talked before Miles came back, so I was happy to write that which was odd, coz I really thought I had xD

The scene with Ezra was thought and I was looking forward to it so much and it had changed obviously as I was writing it and I was anxious coz I was so excited to finally put Ezra back in :D I even had a photo of Ezra to motivate me with said scarf xD 

I used tha knows and I'm proud.

The ABBA cds came from me and gf being in a music store which had a Swedish music section and like they had so so many ABBA cds xD 

I love them and I'd write more but I need to sleep and I'm sure you'll love it as much as I do, I hope xD

anyway

I've decided

It will be NANOWRIMO this year

and dun dun dun

you get to see the story as it goes, basically what's going to happen is, I'll be writing a new Milex but the others won't be dropped, only now I'll be juggling three of them really xD and now with Nano on my back I can guarantee you the chapters will come faster xD I will have no choice XD

<3

Gandalf's Inhaler 11

I feel depressed as Matt and Breana sit there doing Economics and I watch how the trees change, they had been a burnt colour something I’d never seem before, never bothered to look before and everything looks like candy and I still wonder if I’m good enough

Not even for Alex, but for myself. I feel as if everything is my fault even when I recall school, I’ve never had a passion for maths and even if I’d try hard and I’d spent hours trying to figure out everything until I could stop taking it, I got called stupid by a teacher. 

When I look back I wonder if it’s my fault, what if I’m the daft one and I tell myself that one person couldn’t be bullied so much and then there had been my sexuality and lack of interest in girls up to the point that my mother had asked me why couldn’t I just be with a girl to make everyone else lay off her, that she just like any mother could giggle with other mother’s as their sons pecked their girlfriend’s cheeks in public and the whole myth of sex was gagging. One thing was whispered by the adults, one thing was whispered by the peers.

I glance at Matt and Breana and I keep my silence, feeling bizarre, I haven’t gone out to the town much yet and I wondered how was Alex now. I glanced around, we were alone in the wagon and I had the urge to call him, but just because I was safe, he wouldn’t be.

I took out my phone and with Matt watching me closely and making a nod of approval with a serious face I texted Alex, telling him that I’m in the train and we can meet whenever he can. 

I close my eyes waiting for a reply and I recall the fox I had dreamt of, I have some bizarre dreams and they still hunt you even when you’re life settles for a bit. I still have the fear of not getting anywhere at the back of my tongue. It stings and I feel like it might not matter what I’m doing now, because I feel like I won’t go anywhere. 

I wonder what foxes mean and it’s usually deception. 

I pull up the collar up in my coat for no reason and press my lips against the woolen fabric. I want to see him again, I wonder what he’ll be wearing as I haven’t seen him in his autumn/winter coat. I wonder how it will be and I turn to the window, seeing my own curious reflection and soon enough he texts me back and I see myself hugging him tight, which I’m not sure I’ll be able to do, but I still imagine us 

Alex tells me 2 in the afternoon, which wouldn’t be too far away and I’d still have to be dragged around by Breana and Matt who are busy entertaining themselves with making out as I stare at Alex’s text. When they stand up and wave at me, leaving their bags, I just hope they have a condom, which makes me flush recalling today’s conversation. Maybe I should ask him but then

shit.

How do you ask such things?

Do I just text it?

Shit.

I close my eyes, knowing that a long ride is ahead, about an hour left and Matt and Breana are entertaining themselves. 

I press my head against the window, missing him

It’s funny how immersed I feel in this feeling and how I’ve even forgotten how it feels like to be above water, because I don’t need to breathe anymore, I’ve realized I don’t need the lack anymore

I want to see how he looks on a Sunday stroll

Just because I’m used to seeing him in a lab coat and sometimes gloves whenever we’re checking which colour should the solution have if it has starch and the goggles.

The whole time until I saw him was without hesitation spent imagining how I’d kiss him when I see him, which would daze me off and lull me in the semi-sleep state I was when Matt and Breana slipped in.

Is it ok to make out a bit?

With Al’s hands on my back, his lips on mine, shit

I get too distracted and Matt waves a hand in front of me and mutters something

Shit, I really wanna see him.

I really really want to see him.

Is a peck ok?

We all head out and I’m surprised to see so many people as I’ve been to the town once and to get some more school supplies on the first week, it’s like turning on the light in the dark. I still have the hope to see him in the sea of these people and it’s the second closest city, so the first one is always chosen for a fast location, but on my first weekend I had wanted to get away for some reason, regretting it even if Matt and Breana had tried to cheer me up.

I guess why I still stuck to Matt is that he never had dumb assumptions about females which everyone else in class had, sure he had started dating Breana soon but he never thought that the whole point of it was to get in her pants or he’d compare her to a fridge magnet. So I had been the single friend besides all the blokes which would come to my mind and go away, let’s say being gay wasn’t something you wanted to be. It’s funny how some had picked up on it, asking why don’t I become the bisexual in class for a viariety which had pissed me off

and I wondered why people had always thought I was gay

Looking back at old photos, my sexuality seems in the face to me, but that’s to me and it’s not like I wore Stonewall shirts back then. I had bought a Stonewall shirt for college, thinking that it’s it, I’ll be out and all will be lovely and hey, look what happened.

I’ve still go them but if I wore them was under sweaters and I wonder sometimes should I even go around wearing shirts which such statements when even without them I get beaten up?

Matt and Breana drag me to different stores and I just wonder around, Breana mostly spending all the time before I meet Alex in Topshop with Matt convincing her to go for tighter stuff and me watching them mock each other and I’m all in my own thoughts, wondering what would I tell Alex, would he listen about different things about me like that time Matt got ill and my mom insisted on still allowing him to spend the night with us and she took care of him. I guess when it came to parents both mine and Matt’s had seen each other as close friends. I knew Breana’s but not much.

But I don’t think any of them knew that I was gay and I was happy that no rumor would go on. I guess that’s the benefit of not being out, you have a chance of not getting bullied if you cover it well enough from your parents and friends. 

I wonder, well Al seems to be out, so I wonder how he had come to term with it, but I think Nick was his first boyfriend. But then if Nick was out, I should really ask him later on.

Matt gets kicked out of the dressing room, some policy which makes us both grunt and I watch him for a while, wondering how come he hadn’t grown bored of me sulking all these years and actually bother to cook for me, for now at least. I should really try, because in the other college I’d just buy ready to eat or sometimes cooked something too simple and regretted it.

“Hey, how did the daft monkey come out?” I ask him, fiddling with my phone and Matt smirks.

“Jealousy?” He asks me. We watch a couple of girls giggle out and both of us look at each other uninterested for different reasons, which I guess resulted them in some dismay, after all we aren’t interested in their skinny figures.

“Fuck no. I’m just... curious.” I shrug.

“Well, he doesn’t talk about his personal life and frankly I never knew he dated, well...” Matt stops for a while and realizes that we are on neutral territory. “Alex, so he just said his parents were accepting coz he knew he was gay at an early age, so I’m guessing that’s it. Well, I know he doesn’t have any struggles now, so yeah. Sorry, man, you’re better off asking your boyfriend.”

I kick him softly.

Would Alex be my boyfriend?

I guess.

I flush which causes Matt to pull my cheek before I snap it away.

“I’m really happy for you, Miles.” Matt smiles at me. “You’re fucking glowing with post-sex all the time. I’m happy for all the sex you’re getting.”

That gets him another well deserved kick and Breana walks out with all the clothing she’s chosen and we had to watch her do a catwalk of about thirty different outfits and different sizes, colours and patterns. 

We spend the rest of the day just walking around and there were barely any highlights really besides a few moments, such as Matt suggesting me to get a fake ID since I’m 17 and only 18 on March and they flash me fake ID cards with literally their names swapped Matt being Brian for some reason and Breana being Matilda. I just reply with a what they fuck to which they say that McLovin would be too suspicious.

Breana and Matt would absorb into PDA and I’d just stand there texting Alex about it, when I realized I just texted out of missing him and I guess, just sharing whatever was happening which developed into a conversation of him saying how his mother decided to decorate the house already, so he’s spending his day putting up the Christmas tree and all the bizarre lit reindeers outside and that he’ll take photos to show me.

Breana peeks in to see my text, but it’s nothing explicit so I show them to get out a complaint that we should start sexting (to which I said he’s at his parents) and they see no reason why I shouldn’t.

In the end the time approaches and Alex gives me a location to meet him. I get directions both from Matt and Breana and my own map app, frankly. They leave me halfway, after I insist that there won’t be a lot of PDA to spy on, which I really don’t know and I don’t want him to feel uncomfortable and this is our first time out. I walk the streets of the old town, wandering for a bit and peeking through windows before I see Alex sitting on a bench and he turns around, frankly it is pretty quiet, I guess it being Sunday and I remember how I had thought of this moment and we both stand up and we fall in each other’s arms.

I close my eyes for a while, feeling his arms around me and I glance up seeing him smile and I resist to kiss him as I feel his fingers in my hair.

“Hey.” Alex says and I feel myself melt and I hug him tighter. I’m thankful that there is no Matt or Breana to snicker. I feel like I’ve missed him my entire life. I don’t know how explain it when I don’t hold and I press a kiss against his lips and we pull back, Alex hesitating for a bit before pulling me back and we start making out. Frankly the only people here are the people who live here and I’m sure they are lazily enjoying their Sunday specifically if they could afford houses in the old town. I hear some footsteps and we both pull away.

Alex fixes his collar and I just stick my hands in my pocket and we make a fair distance and even both glance away, until we realize that it might be too cautious and we laugh lightly. We agree on not holding hands just in case, but we still steal a few kisses before we start walking around the old town. 

“Hey, um, if you don’t mind me asking, how did you come out?” I ask Alex the question which has been lingering in my mind all day today and I ask him that as he tries some bizarre tourist hat from a barrel full of them and I smirk, pointing him the direction of the window. 

“No, I don’t. It wasn’t too much of a big deal, I thought I was gay for a while, though. Everyone knew Nick was gay and well, we hung out a lot and actually my parents thought we were dating and they just confronted me and asked why don’t I take him home more. To which I was like... well, coz I have other friends as well? And they told me cheating ain’t good.” Alex smirks, recalling the memory. “And then they didn’t even let me finish, they told me how lovely of a chap Nick is, that we’ve been friends, he’s talented, even if they’re scared that he won’t make it out of his music, he’d still be lovely for me.”

I can’t help but laugh at the story and get a bit jealous because all I get is when the hell will I bring a lovely girlfriend home and to cook me homemade meals to which once I took a bit too much sarcasm saying that I’ve got Matt and Breana for that and then I had to say that I’d never be the third in such a situation, leaving me anxious how would they react knowing that I’m fully homosexual and now in a relationship with an older man. Surely, not something they’d approve of, well, I think

that’s the thing, sometimes I think they’re accepting, sometime I think they’re not

and that’s why the closet is from my parents when I walk through their door. 

“So then I started thinking well, Nick and me are pretty much together all the time and I really liked him and I really wouldn’t mind...” He stops choosing the right words. “Well, at the time falling in love, but looking back, well, love is just for that one person, of course unless you are polyamorous, but yeah, I think I’m monogamous, at least as much as I’m aware of. So yeah. Then Nick had confessed and I just felt that I like him too much and I was attracted to him and I’ve been, so we started dating. Of course we’ve been called fags and people judged us, but never our families. That’s why Alexa was a first, I never had any judgmental family in any of my relationships, well, I think Ezra’s are conservative, but we’ve never dated, so yeah.”

He shrugs and I look away and Alex catches my gaze and puts his hand at the back of my neck, stroking it, causing me shivers.

“I’m not out to my parents.” I say pretty low that I’m surprised that he had said it. He plays with my hair a bit more and smiles contagiously which makes my own mood raise a bit as well. 

“It’s fine. Some parents are accepting, some aren’t, you should do what’s best for you. I’ve heard too many stories where people come out and their parents kick them out. You should really do that if you’re aware that they are accepting, well, that what I think and you... you’ve had enough to deal with, love.” He swallows and strokes my cheek. 

“It’s ok. Don’t worry, I didn’t tell my parents either about us. It’s still something hard to chew on for someone on the outside for some odd reason, society cares about too many weird things instead on celebrating that two people love each other, when sometimes it feels like there’s barely any love around.” He shrugs and sees the sad note he ended it on. “But that doesn’t mean... neither of us can light the world for each other. Shit, that sounded awful, didn’t it?”

-

I haven't updated this in... four days XD that's odd because I kept writing it in small chunks, so I was still thinking about teh story and stuff xD

No Ezra yet D:

I think pinpointing different parts would be me spoiling, so I think everything speaks for itself XD 

I was going to end it when they meet up, but then I realized that I want to write a bit more xD

Anyway, I'm posting this XD

I hope you enjoyed it and feel free to request :3

<3

Used Lighter7

Your life should end on a street you knew, but you’ve never headed up.

It’s a street from Cowgate, going up.

I remember Alison holding a cross behind.

And Alex swinging a bat behind me, again, laughing, holding me down with his foot.

People walk past. But I’m my own dream and I don’t control what happens.

Alison would look at me and she started wearing crosses herself, they wouldn’t work on us, but they still frightened me like a dull day in Sunday school.

There is something haunting in religion. I had a gay friend, she was terrified of the church.

I had taken her in one day. It had been my sister.

We both sat and she looked up.

She confessed being a lesbian.

She told me the church was closed for her because she loved beauty back, being such herself with hair and eyes she had trimmed, what we should see as a desire to be a man, but neither of us were men.

We had prayed.

She had been older.

I told her, that the church was open to anyone who wanted it.

That the interpretations were all wrong and that faith was the one which would keep us.

The bat swings again on my ribs and I stand up, no blood spilling, no mouth foul, dragging Alexander, knowing that he is Alex. 

-

I know it's been months and well, I hadn't gotten the request and this had been written maybe even at the same time as the previous chapter.

And well, that's it for Used Lighter and it's well... sad. I really enjoyed writing but I had gotten used to the fact (haha used xD) that well, it's over and I've started writing Bar Eyes, which pretty much wraps up everything and all is explained roughly, so if you want the next chapter of Bar Eyes just poke me, I've got about five or six chapters written and it is lighter (haha lighter xD) than UL, but it's going to get gloomy

and Jamie's there, yay :D now he is he there? Well, go on and read it. Bar Eyes takes place during before, during and even after, both are essential parts to each other :) 

UL is one of my favourite stories in general and Edinburgh seems like a fitting setting and I should've taken photos of the places. It's still sad that UL is over because I recall how every chapter had been written and how I'd walk around getting places to use. 

It's hard to let go, just like any other story I've been attached to even if Bar Eyes is far from finished XD

I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did and thank you for reading and liking it as well

<3

Jamie

P.S. Bar Eyes where you really wonder if you'd choose Jamie or Alex XD

Oh and if you want a print version of this, please poke me something should be up soon or any finished story or collection of one-shots:)

You're Not Coming Back Again 7

“MILES!” My name gets called as I hear someone pounding the door loudly and Arabella stirs. I swear and open my eyes to see the ceiling and have my daughter lay to my left in those weird beds which get attached to your own, as if the baby is sleeping with you. Well, technically she is. The banging stops and I wake up as I stroke Arabella’s little hand and I stand up, still getting silence. I put on a t-shirt and get the door, opening to see Alex, just as I expected with a newspaper in his hand and he shows me the cover with me looking confused, the tweet as the headline and Arabella in the baby carriage. 

I wave him in and I take it, noticing a bunch of other press under his arm. We head to the bedroom where Arabella is sleeping and I flick through all of them, some ask the question whether I am with Alex Turner, some say that surely we had a fling, some don’t mention it at all and apparently I even got a honorable mention in NME which was also due out today on the last page and for the next week they promise to cover this even better. But yeah, there’s still The Sun claiming that they will speak to the “mother” who had slept with me and is doing charges. 

I’m surprised at NME because I always thought that out of all people they would never say I’m gay because well, they love the Arctic Monkeys and I could never see them bite their own hand that feeds, the audience. Now, I’ll be known as the gay mod singer. I’ll have gay in front of me, it’s a good thing from my point of view, but all the close minded people are now chopped off and well, frankly there’s too many of them and they feed you. 

“Matt and Nick got a call and James too. Everyone wants to know if we’ve fucked, since your phone is off. I got two paps outside, but couldn’t bother. Some just want pictures of the baby. Everyone is taken back, since you’ve kept it pretty hush-hush.” Alex says and a bit hurt himself that I had told him not too much before I had taken Arabella fully in my custody. I glance at Arabella and we walk out as I leave the door open, enough for her not to get woken up and for me to hear even a light grunt.

I don’t know what to say and instead I hug Alex and he’s taken by surprise and hugs me back. 

“I should really say this...” He stops and holds me tighter, one hand on my head. 

“Your parents called.” My eyes widen. 

“I never really changed my number and they said they can’t reach you.” He swallows and presses a kiss against my forehead.

“What did you say?” It’s been nearly seven years. 

“They said your phone was off and indeed it was. They said they want to see the baby and they want to talk to you.” I push Alex away in fury and regret it instantly and I’m shaking. So now when they have a grandchild they are ok with talking to me? 

“Did you tell them to fuck off?” I ask my chin shaking and I hug myself, Alex just stares at me and I push every single attempt he does to hold me. He simply nods.

“I said... that you don’t want to talk to them and well... they asked if we’re still together and I said yes. Just for them to think if they want a son-in-law as well. Because they’ve done their fair share...” Alex trails off and I look up.

“What?” I ask and it dawns on me, they had called him too. Alex sighs and grabs me by the wrist and I take his hand, staring at him horrified. It’s one thing when you’re the one humiliated but it’s another when it’s your beloved. I’ve even chucked the fact that the told my parents that we’re together, but the fact that they’ve approached him as well. 

“They had called me a few weeks after they lost contact with you.” Alex keeps staring at my feet. He raises his eyes. 

“You were miserable and suicidal.” He makes his point.

“Go on.” I don’t think I’m breathing anymore.

“They said they’d resume contact if we broke up.” I slap Alex hard. Alex just flinches and I see the red mark come to life on his cheek and tears swell up but not due the hit. 

“IS THAT WHY YOU BROKE UP?!” I yell at him and I wake Arabella up and Alex motions at her and he goes to check on her and I just lower myself on the floor and I start sobbing, hating my parents even more and I can’t stop

“Miles, I wanted you off the ground, but even when I broke up they’d keep saying until you’d start dating and... then I just got pissed and started well... seeing you again.” I hear Alex and he walks out with a curious Arabella. 

I press the back of my head harder against the wall, feeling my head ache and I keep sobbing and my daughter is staring at me surprised. 

“Y-you... broke i-it o-off... it’s all my fault.” And I start bawling and Alex sits besides me and Arabella just watches me until she kicks me, which makes Alex smirk.

He puts an arm around me, looking ahead, Arabella watching both of us until she gets bored and starts sucking on Alex’s shoulder to which he tells me to wait a bit and gets her a dummy to suck on. 

“They’re willing to resume but obviously, they just want to see Arabella, no me.” Alex continues and I just start violently shaking my head.

“I’ve been without them for seven years and I’ve tried to commit suicide, I was depressed and they were off ignoring me and asking you do bullshit. I don’t think I’ll be judged at the pearly gates if I keep the silence. Fuck, it’s not even silence- Give me your phone.” I turn and look at Alex.

“What?” In his accent it’s more of a ‘wot’ and he hands me his phone confused, I open the last calls and Alex just watches me. I dial the right number.

I hear her voice, picking up the phone and then my fathers.

They both ask if it’s Alex and what the fuck does he want.

“No, it’s me, Miles.” Arabella stretches out to the phone and I lean a bit off, angry. I hear the silence and how their voice change, as if it’s Satan himself giving me flowers and some dream for a dirty deal. 

“I always wondered why is family so holy because if we were just random people, nothing would’ve connected us and get what even being fucking blood related doesn’t help.”

“Miles, darling, tell me the baby is from a sweet girl and you can come over to the weekend. Surely you can’t be dating that daft lad, Alex all these years, right? We should christen her, so that the Devil won’t give her any impure thoughts.” I clench my knuckles. I can’t even call her mom. Since when the fuck are they religious? Is religion now welcoming every bigot who never even though of God until now?

“Read the damn press. And stop calling Alex. Stop calling me. Actually, you won’t because I happen to be gay and you know what, I adopted, yes, some people are more openminded than you are and well...” I make a pause where I hear her crying and I’ve never felt so pleased before. 

“I think we’ve parted ways year ago, mother. And it’s ok. You weren’t there and I can happily raise my daughter in a gay household with her parents having gay sex.” And I press the button and hurl the phone across the corridor, making Alex flinch but sigh once he sees that it didn’t break into shards. 

I feel furious and I just head out to the balcony, not caring and I start playing with my lighter, thankfully Alex with Arabella and I feel furious and I’ve still got tears running down my cheeks and I wonder what else should I’ve said and I feel furious, the feeling mutating in my body and I wonder what else should I do

What else should I do

And I glance down and I head back into the kitchen, grabbing a specific box with two cigarettes, the only sane idea I had and I go to smoke one, letting my brain relax, butmy whole body is still trembling and I feel like I could bite their heads off and I feel frustrated. 

A thought starts sprouting in my head.

Alex had told my parents we were dating and he’s not with Arielle right now and I glance back to see him rocking Arabella again. I should give her first meal of porridge today, later on and I watch him and he approaches me with the balcony door between us. I blow smoke at him and he rolls his eyes. It feels finally refreshing to smoke a cigarette and I feel guilty for it as well. 

I’ll shower again, change clothes and chew gum, that’s the best I can think of.

“I love you both.” I say and I wonder how insane I seem with my face all red from crying and I know they can both just guess what I’m saying and I watch them and Al turn around and I stub out my cigarette, wanting to be with them.

Does it mean we’re dating again?

Does it mean that things are finally turning for the best and I want to scream in frustration to make sure they stay that way. I walk in, quickly taking off my shirt and underwear, getting some gum and rushing towards the shower.

I can’t stop grinning. 

Al is busy with Arabella. I get the water as hot as I can, feeling it burn me and give me back feeling. Everything is done in a rush to miss nothing.

I dry myself as I see him rocking her to sleep as I come out. I grab him and I pull him into a kiss, guiltily putting Arabella on one of the small baby rocking chairs and I pull him closer. I am losing my mind as he kisses me with some hesitation due to my sudden mood swing.

I run my hands through his hair, messing up his quiff and feeling the roughness of his gel against my fingers. 

“Please, please, tell me we’re dating again.”

“Who said we never were?” And I feel like it’s the first time we’ve kissed and I have realized with his words, that he loves me as well. I feel like it’s Christmas and we’re opening crackers again and all the hats are red which seems very funny to us and we’ve gotten the same shitty prizes twice, so we go out and buy even more crackers. I wonder how will this year be as well, how we’ll drag a real Christmas tree again and now we’ll have Arabella who will be staring the balls and grasp them and I’ll have to make sure that we buy shatter proof ones. 

I grab him closer and I pull him into a kiss, before grabbing Arabella in my hands again. Shit, by my age shouldn’t I be this happy at an engagement or something?

But I can’t help but realize that I’ve told my parents to fuck off finally after all these years of silence, sure I haven’t said everything I’ve thought, but that’s enough, now I can close the pandora’s box and I can celebrate. I’m rocking Arabella nearly dancing and Alex watches both of us, a bit flushed. 

“Can I get a cigarette, too, then?” He smirks. I shake Arabella lightly with my head as she turns her head to look at me with her confused big blue eyes. I wonder if they’ll darken to green or a light shade of brown or if they will remain the same or maybe she’ll have gray or what if her hair darkens as well?

I stop.

“Why do you need one?” I ask, a bit dazed and Arabella shifts in my arms to look at Alex, confused as well and says some weird syllable and I just grin at her, but Alex still causing me concern. 

“You do realize I need to talk to Arielle.” 

It had started off as a rumor, it had never made it to the press properly, everyone had been blinded that Alex had broke up with Alexa and that was the main news which had been in everyone’s minds. The fact that we had started going to events was seen as Alex just being heartbroken and me trying to cheer him up. 

Alexa had kept her mouth shut and the only people who knew about us had been my parents, the bands and a few close friends, but other than that it was just us. 

But then there had been rumors and there was that one photo which seemed to be discarded whenever we are mentioned. It was some small press it was a picture of us holding hands very briefly and rather blurry, but it’s not seen that well and as soon as that surfaced Alex and me were smoking.

Then there had been the call asking if we were dating and if we wanted to come out, bringing out the fact that we both look very attached to each other. It had been paid to keep the mouth shut, counting how much damage would be caused, the world just isn’t ready, I mean, even when you look at such simple artists at Lady Gaga, she’s not gay and has no high profile girlfriend. 

Arielle had been chosen simply, she would still fit in the type that could be seen as girly as Alexa was, both brunette and had been seen at a concert, letting everyone else speculate on something else. 

I had watched all of this emerge, but I never had the guts to ask Alex back.

We had both agreed on a break, I was too much of a wreck and I wanted to be the one tearing all the photos apart and Alex had walked to me and told me it was over, as I had cut my parent’s faces in half and cried over too much loss, two birds with one stone. 

I didn’t like Arielle, I just saw her as a cheap replacement and I didn’t find her funny and honestly, I barely felt bad for Alexa because she had taken my Alex at the right damn time, because Arielle seemed like a kick in the balls both for me and Alexa.

I had seen her when Arielle and Alex were together.

It was funny that it was at Tesco over the magazines.

“So... you’re not dating Alex?” She had asked picking up Vogue with her own article, ironic.

“No.” I sighed.

“Cool, we both lost then.” And she had snapped at it, smiling at me and walking away, the slap she had never given me before for sleeping with her boyfriend whenever she wasn’t looking. 

"Oi." I said after her. "Al ain't a game y'know. Just coz he's with someone else now..."

I stopped .

She could leak it.

She had all rights and everyone would feel bad for the straight woman who got cheated on by a "gay" guy.

I didn't know what else to say, so I grabbed the NME with The Horrors trying to understand the damn hype around them.

-

Lou Reed died.

I know, he's not related to the story, but relationships can be tough, it's not that they are tough, it's more about what gets in the way, some complications, discrimination from the outside, families, distance, anything can get in the way and it's insignificant and I'm writing this because Alex and Miles' relationship has a bunch of struggles

Everyone has their struggles

We've had ours and just like when you kiss and you have music and all is good in your ears I had Satellite of Love by Lou Reed. I turned it on. It was long ago and everything seemed harder and everything was a lot harder.

It's hard to know that he passed away.

And I wrote the chapter without knowing, but yeah, people can dedicate things and well, all I've got to give is this chapter and the hope and love his songs give me. 

It's hard to know that he's gone.

I even had a Lou Reed fanfic. 

It's hard to write behind the scenes now, well. The last scene was added as I realized there were no flashbacks and I wanted the chapter to be longer and the end of it was written on my phone as I tend to write in the train sometimes and I was kicked out xD

Quoting my partner, everyone's been waiting for Miles' parents to show up and here they are. 

It's funny that this chapter is like Satellite of Love to me, all is getting better somehow, but we've still got a long way to go, baby.

Thank you, Lou Reed

<3

You're Not Coming Back Again 6

I honestly wondered if forever had been for me, if I was ok with waking up to the same person and seeing them onwards from age 21, someone who I had met when I was 17. Was it ok? I had been obscure and heavily covered by another piece of thick fabric over Miles’ eyes and I could see his lips, but what if I could imagine someone else?

Looking back, nothing was in place yet, we had still felt not too comfortable with even holding hands and maybe the eternity I had been imagining wasn’t the one awaiting for both of us.

And then I had seen her, it was weird to approach someone else, all the girls were knocked down and you had approached me. I had been the one who snapped, taking you with me.

I thought of our males as well, still confused about my attraction as it was equally weighted in both hands. 

I had really thought about other men and with Miles crawled up against the sofa.

It had been odd, him shooing me away saying that he could never see me again, because nothing will last. I was never as close to anyone as he had been to his parents, we’d just eat together and break the crackers at Christmas. 

While Miles felt on the edge of everything 

and when he had jumped

I had only thought of dragging him out

and I had thought that if my love wasn’t enough

I don’t want to give it.

I don’t know what had crossed my mind then and it had been getting worse.

And there she was with her curious eyes. 

Sometimes you fall asleep with people, who aren’t even worth a pinky of your ex, but you still do it. While I had kissed her it had been different from with Miles, it wasn’t about her lips or how my lips had taken the lipstick from hers, it was about the fact that I had been cheating

and I wanted that forever back with Miles, but maybe because I knew it wasn’t coming back. 

Were the words Alex had scribbled to me once we had considered getting back together even with Alexa. I had read them before and even more when he had fallen asleep, rereading his old journal entries to get some lyrics, some more concentrated misery for a change.

Paris when I look back was surrounded by pleasant memories, because I don’t want to recall the screaming at each other telling both of us to just go for it. One of us always stepping back, yet whenever any of us wanted a shag we’d go for it, giggling even, throwing the bed covers off and sucking each other. 

I had started flicking even more, I still do sometimes and Alex just watches me.

Paris kept getting worse, which is funny because it’s been up and down, like once I had asked why hadn’t he called Alexa for the past few days and there had been a piercing silence, no glares, nothing had reached his eyes, instead he suggested eating in the garden and I had followed and it had been night already. I wondered if he had cried, I wondered what the fuck would happen. We had moments when we’d start drunkly dancing and I had wondered why are we in such a whirlwind?

Why can’t we just be together?

Why can’t we?

The thought of recording an album I think burst from the ashes of what we had been, as Alex had started coming to me more recently and sometimes we wouldn’t talk, we would just hold each other, I’d just open the door and fling him against the wall, dropping to my knees and undoing his jeans and he’d been hard already.

I have no idea what we’ve been doing.

“Miles, I have to go.” Alex sighs and I know he should at some point and he’s been getting texts, it’s both usual for him and Arielle to ignore each other, but I just nodded as I started playing with the bottom of his shirt, which would’ve raised eyebrows, but today it was different. He went to peek on Arabella, grabbed his leather jacket and started heading towards the door, not looking back.

“Do you want me to apologize, is that what you want?”

Sometimes I wish you’d just tell me to go away, but that’s the thing besides the first time, it’s always been me who stood up and gave in, wondering how would the world crumble again. 

Alex, like burnt turns around and his hands are in his pockets and he looks down and shakes his head. 

“No. We’ve both fucked up and I don’t know... why. I’ll see you.” And he waves and walks off to which Arabella starts screaming loudly so I stand for a second and I want to yank Alex’s hand and pull him in, but I don’t, feeling loneliness slap me across the face as I go back in and grab her instantly, start rocking her for a while, hearing the door unlock, but I keep rocking her, making sure it’s not just her being grumpy from a woken dream and go towards the kitchen to see Alex warming up the milk. 

“I won’t leave while she’s crying.” I just blink and Arabella, cries a bit louder, actually much louder and we both start fumbling with the milk heater and pressing the wrong buttons at once, until I push Alex’s hand away and let it heat up faster. 

“I’m not a bad dad, ok.” I feel frustrated and tired.

“That doesn’t change the fact that I can help.”

“I’m ok being a single dad.”

Maybe it’s better when I’m alone, but I can’t keep alone, I keep clinging to someone, I get an one-night stand and I’m the one with the morning kisses and the arranged date, because I’ve stepped the line already. 

She ends up eating and I sit there, still heart broken and Alex leaves in the end, we don’t say anything and I’m left alone with Arabella. I wonder sometimes what would she ever tell me and Alex and how will she be when she’ll grow up. I wonder if Arabella was her mother’s bad guess and maybe I should’ve suggested a gender neutral name somehow, but I don’t know. I wonder when she’ll start bringing other people over and I’ll have to give her the sex ed talk. I wonder when she’ll talk and I feel bad that I want her to listen, because she absorbs everything which happens in this household.

I just wish I could give her more love, because I do love her, but maybe I’m thinking of Alex too much. Once she’s done she starts crying again and I start rocking her for a long while, my whole being scared that I can’t calm her down, so I take two toys at once and start fiddling with them with the other hand, my left hand already numb from holding her, so I switch arms, careful not to drop her.

Funny, when you think that it’s hard to hold babies, it’s really not, a bit scary, but it’s comforting and I pull her closer to me, feeling her warmth and I sigh happily as she relaxes and I gently kiss her forehead. 

Sometimes I wish we were still friends, laughing and Miles had given me this shirt with his then band and I had worn it live. I’m lying. We’ve always been into each other. Miles had been flushed the rest of the night and watched me and even then we had stayed the night together, Miles on the floor, but he made sure to watch me take it off. 

I tried to dettach myself further from Alex we both tried and that’s why I had made my own record, but I still ended up calling him, because in my head as I tried banning him from my apartment, calling was still ok. So we talked a lot, played guitar a lot. 

Arielle is ok, with her and Alex not as attached and it was ok, just the fact that I didn’t like her in her position at all, as if she had the crown which landed in her hands for a misunderstanding and the world was watching.

Oh, the world was watching.

There are many ways I can come out.

There is twitter, there is facebook, there is instagram, there is NME and every possible magazine which will be excited to publish it. I had called Alex this morning when I had woken up and after Arabella had decided it was time for her to be entertained by every thing in the house and the window seemed most appealing and reading a few articles on the internet on “mom” websites, I honestly wondered if I was the only male who even checked. Looking at it, well, it felt as if no man cared really and I feel disgusted by all, like even when you turn on television, it’s not even sometimes about the lack of LGBT visbility but rather how both genders are portrayed and it annoys me. Not only I don’t exist or I’m the friend in the corner but I should never even go close my kid or single dads are seen as massive achievements, while moms are judged. I’m no better, I was just as confused by how to feed the baby, which dippers are better and everything, it just so happens I was born with a penis and I am cisgender and that’s it and automatically I get some benefit, but being gay takes it all away sometimes. 

Arabella’s mom had to choose if she was ok with me being gay, to which she didn’t care but such cunts as Russia do. 

In the end I watch Mulan with Arabella, knowing that she’s too young and when Alex calls, I try to ignore that it’s him on the phone and I tell Arabella that it’s ok to be who you are. I keep talking to her during the movie and I leave Alex on speaker, maybe irritated or maybe lonely to a massive extent. 

In the end I end the call with Al and get Arabella ready putting her in a polka dot onesie as she blows bubbles, displeased but she doesn’t cry thankfully and I get the baby carriage out, feeling anxious and wondering if the photos will appear. 

Should I just instagram her? It’s not that no one knows Lila Grace’s face for instance and in the end, the commotion will occur, how does she look like, who is the mother, obviously presuming that I’m the biological father. We go outside and I nod to a neighbor, happily moving faster until I’m outside and I make my way to the park and I get a bunch of curious faces and smiles, people peeking in and smiling at Arabella who watches the sky and I can’t blame her, I would do the same.

I’m sweating, anxiously, trying to get to the park, not even sure what is less likely to cause a stir. Maybe it’s a good thing that I’m alone for now without Alex, he would surely attract attention, but in the end I see someone with a camera as I get to the park and stop, sitting on a bench.

“Shit.” I mutter as the guy tries to get closer, hiding behind the bushes, but his hair is seen clearly along with his camera. I watch him, as if I’m a lion in a cage, get closer, out of the bushes and soon enough he’s just taking photos of my face. He doesn’t ask me anything.

I stand up and that’s when he asks me whose baby is it. I will get shot by the publicist. He tried to convince me to do an interview but I just didn’t want to and Arabella needs fresh air. 

I just ignore the bloke and keep walking on. The photos had been taken and I’m even happy that none were taken exactly of Arabella, at least the ones I’ve noticed. We stop at the newsagents and I check the headlines to remember how they will look before I will see them tomorrow in Al’s hands. 

Maybe I should tweet something before people think I’ve abducted a baby. But then I’ve been told to keep my head down, but then what would that do? People think I’m straight and have linked me with models, what good does it do?

People come out, people inspire people.

I take out my phone and I close my eyes.

It’s weird.

I feel like I’ll be added to some other circle.

Well, for sure I’m not putting her on instagram. I open twitter, at least it’s ok if it’s short. I’ve been on hiatus for a while, so maybe it won’t be such big news. I start throwing the phone up and Arabella watches me and I look at her soft blue eyes. I don’t think she’d want a coward dad.

What if she’s gay too?

The sooner I do it, the less commotion later. 

I sigh and force myself, I’m going after my own thoughts. 

Because if I was a teenager and someone came out, it would different or when I had been kicked out by my parents,

if someone who I cared would come out

fuck.

Arabella kicks the wall of the carriage and I take her out of it, putting her besides me on the sofa and I give her the clown. 

C’mon, Miles, you should be with Arabella.

“Proud- No, sounds like shite. Arabella, darling what do you think?” Arabella just does bubbles. 

Maybe I should call Al?

“Before any dumb rumor spreads, I’m a proud father”

I keep retyping too many ideas as I take Arabella’s little hand and she watches me. 

Fuck. I erase everything

“#proudgaydad” and I send it. But I turn off the mobile and start biting my lips, because I can’t smoke, not in front of Arabella, I don’t want to cause more damage than I might’ve done for my own sanity. 

-

As usual, I'm anxious about this chapter, I've thought for a long while about Miles coming out to the public and I was anxious in how to write it and make it happen, the whole idea, so yeah.

I hope you enjoyed it and here it is a chapter as promised.

I missed writing from Alex's point of view and all my stories are from Miles' point of view XD and I felt bad after I wrote the chunk because I'm quite strict to sticking to one's point of view and I decided to use it from Miles' memory reading Al's notes because the thoughts are on flashback and they ended up being my fave part of the chapter. They remind me vaguely of one of favourite works of fiction which had well a very bizarre way of telling and there was a whole chunk from another person's point of view in letters, so I was like, yeah, seems like it a bit. 

I'm an anxious person, so it's easy... to write anxiety? xD

I hope you enjoyed it and if you did, um, pop me even one line xD coz I'm nervous xD

cheers and feel free to request:3

thank you

<3